What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Fiancee Is Ready to Break Up With Soldier on Extended Tour
DEAR ABBY: I need your advice on how to break an engagement with my fiance, whose tour of duty in Iraq has been extended four more months. He has been there eight months, and during his absence, I met someone else I would like to start dating.
I didn't want to stress out my fiance, and I wanted to wait until he returned to talk to him, but now I feel too guilty, so I need to address it soon. Please help me. -- FEELING GUILTY, MEMPHIS, TENN.
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: It's time to grow up and think about someone other than yourself. There is something more important right now than assuaging your guilt. It's making sure that nothing distracts your fiance from the job he is doing -- and will be doing until he is safely back home.
Under no circumstances should you write him a "Dear John" letter or tell him anything that could unnerve or depress him. If you feel guilty now, how do you think you would feel if he was injured or killed after you dumped that kind of news on him? I can't stress strongly enough how important it is that you put his feelings first right now. What you have in mind can wait until his tour of duty is behind him.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Libby," who has a lot of personal problems. She recently confided that I am the only person who keeps her going day to day. She has attached herself to me because of my "step-on-me" personality, and I have allowed it.
I don't mind her telling me her problems, but she's putting too much pressure on me by making me her crutch. (Without me, she would fall permanently.) Please don't think I am selfish, but I have a lot to deal with personally in my own life.
How can I lessen my load without cracking her fragile personality? -- STRETCHED TO THE LIMIT IN WYOMING
DEAR STRETCHED: Lighten your load by no longer allowing your friend to put off resolving her problems by confiding them in someone who isn't equipped to help her. Libby needs a licensed psychotherapist. If she can't afford one, please tell her (kindly) that help is available on a sliding-fee scale through your county department of mental health services or social services. Take her to her first appointment if necessary, and then start backpedaling from there.
DEAR ABBY: I have been widowed for more than two years, and a nice man has asked me out. We hit it off great, but I have one problem.
A friend of mine dated him years ago, and it didn't work out. She is now happily seeing a man she has been involved with for almost two years. She says you don't date a friend's past date. I think she's being childish.
I believe this man and I will have a good relationship, and I don't want to lose him because of this. She will find out eventually, and I can't decide if I should take the chance of her not knowing for a while and see how it goes. In any case, I may lose her.
Am I wrong? I have been out of the dating loop for 21 years and this is all new to me. I'd appreciate your opinion. -- UNDECIDED IN BROCKTON, MASS.
DEAR UNDECIDED: I see no reason to make any announcements to anyone right now. Keep dating the man and see where it leads.
Because your "friend" has been in a satisfying relationship for nearly two years, she should be happy that you have met someone and "clicked." If she isn't, then she is not your friend, and your question is moot.
DEAR ABBY: I recently learned a lesson about not judging a book by its cover. A young man and his divorced mother moved into our quiet neighborhood of mostly retirees and young couples who have not yet started families. When we first laid eyes on the young man, we saw a guy with shoulder-length hair dressed all in black -- complete with black fingernail polish and black eyeliner. Everyone thought the worst: "Oh, no! A heathen devil-worshipper!" A few months later, he presented himself in ragged jeans, a flannel shirt, his head completely shaved. Again we thought the worst: "He's turned into one of those neo-Nazi skinheads!"
I later learned from his mother that her son is a sociology major at a university about 200 miles from here. (He had to evacuate during Hurricane Katrina as a large portion of the campus was destroyed.) The black attire we first saw was for a costume party he was attending that evening. He grows his hair long to donate to Locks of Love, which uses it to make wigs for cancer patients who have lost their hair during chemo, hence the shaved head.
He spends his summers working with groups going to underprivileged countries to teach the children to read and write. He also goes with Doctors Without Borders to help inoculate people who have never had the basic childhood vaccinations against rubella, tetanus, etc.
I feel completely ashamed of myself for forming such an opinion about this wonderful young person simply from his appearance at a distance. I have since gotten to know him during his weekend visits home to see his mother and have discovered what an intelligent, compassionate, giving individual he is, and I am honored to have him as a neighbor.
Please warn your readers not to make the same mistake I and the rest of my neighbors made in judging a worthwhile young man by his appearance at first glance. -- ASHAMED IN BRANSON, MO.
DEAR ASHAMED: With pleasure. Your letter is a timely one because it applies not only to individuals who dress differently, but also to people of different races and religions. It illustrates that hand in hand with ignorance walks prejudice.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old girl with a problem. I am starting high school as a freshman. Last year I got into more trouble at school than I ever have been in my entire life. I even got kicked out of a program that's supposed to help students get into a good college. My grades went down, and I have been talking back not only to my teachers but also to my mother. Mom thinks it's because my father is dead.
Can you tell me something that will help me stop talking back? -- TALKING BACK IN VIRGINIA
DEAR TALKING BACK: I have a couple of suggestions that might help. The first is, because your father passed away within the last couple of years, your mother may be right. If it's true that your problem is repressed anger over your father's death, then counseling, or a grief support group, might help you to express feelings in an acceptable way.
Another effective way to express your emotions would be to start a journal and write in it every night. A journal is a healthy place to dump anger and frustration, as well as confide your hopes, dreams and victories. The more of your feelings you get "out," the fewer your outbursts will be -- and that's a promise.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughter Still Angry at Mom After Dad's Long Ago Suicide
DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old woman who still bears a grudge toward my mother. We never had a good relationship, but it really went downhill after my father died. (I was 13 when it happened.) My father always stuck up for me, and he committed suicide in our basement.
I did something when I was 13 that I deeply regret. I told my mother to check down there when we heard noises, but she didn't listen to me. Our relationship has never been the same. I have blamed my mother every day ever since for not saving him. I rarely talk to her now.
The thing that makes me so mad is that my father's death was her fault. Dad and I were very close and I miss him every day.
How can I get past my mother killing my dad? After his death, my mother put me in the care of the Department of Children and Family Services. I am glad I was put there, but I am mad that she killed my dad and gave up on me.
So how do I get past all this anger toward her that I have kept inside for so many years? -- MISSING MY DAD IN ILLINOIS
DEAR MISSING DAD: I don't blame you for being angry about your father's death, but because you were only 13, you aimed your anger at the wrong parent. Your mother didn't kill your father. Your father killed himself, probably because he had been struggling for a long time with the mental illness of chronic depression. Your mother did not go to check on the noises in the basement for the same reason that you didn't -- she didn't realize what they meant. As to why you were sent to "family services," it is very possible that your mother was as devastated by the loss of your father as you were.
You need more answers than any uninvolved third party can give you, and the person to provide them is your mother. Therefore, I urge that you call her and arrange to have a frank conversation with her -- preferably in the presence of a mediator such as a clergyperson. This is something that's long overdue.
DEAR ABBY: I married a wonderful man seven years ago, and we had a happy marriage. One morning last January, he told me he no longer loved me and was moving out to live a life on his own. I have been devastated over this. At his request I quit work to stay home and be a housewife, and I have not worked in six years. I am 50 and am having a hard time dealing with this.
I know I need to find a job so he won't have to continue paying all my bills and his own, but I have been very depressed and I think it shows through when I go on interviews. He wants me to take a couple of college courses to brush up on what I used to do in the work force.
The only thing I want is to have my husband come home to me. We still see each other every other week and communicate daily through e-mails and phone calls. I still feel that he loves me, and that is what makes this so hard. He comes to have dinner with me on Saturday nights, and when he leaves he hugs me tight -- but still leaves. I don't know what to ask him about what his final plans are. He hasn't asked for a divorce, and he knows I don't want one. What should I do? -- HEARTBROKEN IN EVERETT, WASH.
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Ask your husband for a full and complete answer about why he left you. Clearly, there are still strong ties between you.
Counseling will help you both communicate more clearly about what happened to your marriage. Once you have some straight answers, you will have a better idea of what you need to do next. In the meantime, my advice to you is to contact a licensed marriage and family therapist, but do nothing further.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)