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Kids' New Relationship Causes Friction Between Old Friends
DEAR ABBY: I have a dear friend I'll call "Anita." Recently, during one of our visits to her home in a neighboring state, her son, "Brandon," and our daughter, "Alicia" -- both single -- "discovered" each other. Our families have been friends for 16 years.
When Anita and I were told about the kids, we were surprised -- mainly because they pretty much grew up together. Brandon is three years younger than my daughter. For my part, it's OK. I'm happy for them.
Anita didn't say so, but I got the impression she doesn't think my Alicia is good enough for her son. She claimed she didn't want Brandon to hurt Alicia, since she's been hurt some in the past -- like all of us. What do you think? -- CONFUSED IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR CONFUSED: Please don't be so quick to judge your friend. She knows her son better than you do. Unless both parties are emotionally mature, a three-year age difference can be a problem -- particularly if one person wants to settle down and the other wants to sow some wild oats. Of course, there is risk involved in every new relationship, and nothing ventured, nothing gained. But if it's the real thing, only time will tell.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been happily married for 35 years and have three grown children, a son and two daughters. We have always gotten along very well, and the kids were always close to each other.
My son, "Joseph," is a Ph.D. psychologist, and so is his wife, "Rene." We are very proud of them both. But they have this "thing" about their mail being addressed to them as "Dr." even when it's sent to their house. This includes birthday cards, and my two daughters are having a tough time with it. They feel their brother is distancing himself from them. (He also lives two hours away from the rest of us.) Quite frankly, I agree.
We believe his wife is leading him. She says she "doesn't feel like a sister" to my two daughters. Please give me your thoughts on this. Our family is not the same. --CONCERNED DAD IN NEW YORK
DEAR CONCERNED DAD: I think your problem lies closer to home, namely the attitude of your daughters. Your son and his wife have earned the right to have their mail addressed as "Dr. and Dr." and that is how their mail should "properly" be addressed. This would be a small step in the right direction for your daughters, with the added benefit of possibly warming up your daughter-in-law.
DEAR ABBY: My 51-year-old brother, "Jerry," was diagnosed last spring with advanced cancer. He lives hundreds of miles away from the rest of the family and we see him only every few years. My two sisters and I know about his condition, and he keeps in touch with us via e-mail.
Jerry has asked us not to tell our parents, who are 74 and 85 and in good health. Jerry doesn't want them to worry. So far, we have kept his secret because we don't want to alienate him, but it's very difficult to keep up the charade with our parents. Any advice? -- SAD SISTER IN MAINE
DEAR SAD SISTER: Talk to your brother, and tell him how heavy the burden of secrecy has been on you and your sisters. Explain that your parents deserve the chance to adjust to what is happening, and that at their ages, as bitter as the news may be, the shock of "suddenly" losing him could be worse. After that, the decision of whether his parents should be informed should be his. You have my sympathy.
Woman's Reaction to Mom's Death Infuriates Her Sister
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Sheila," and I have not had the friendliest relationship over the last few years. Five years ago, we moved our mother to a wonderful assisted-living facility close to me as she aged. I was responsible for all her care decisions. I am a single, full-time shift worker at a hospital, while Sheila is very affluent and flies on a private company jet.
When I received a phone call at work that Mom's end was near, I left immediately to be at her side. Mom was able to talk softly with me, and briefly with my sister on the phone. When the conversation ended, Sheila told me, "OK, I guess this is it," and said goodbye, adding it was "bad timing" since she had company coming.
I called Sheila on Mom's passing, two days later, to clarify notification of family and friends so there would be no duplication. She said she'd call only one family friend.
Sheila had friends visiting during that time and had planned an overnight suite and spa day at a five-star hotel in Beverly Hills on the same day Mom died, which she kept. Why do you think a daughter grieving her mother's passing would go to a health spa? -- STILL FURIOUS IN EUGENE, ORE.
DEAR STILL FURIOUS: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother, which you still appear to be grieving. Perhaps it's time to let go of your anger and accept that everyone grieves in his or her own way. From your description of your sister's behavior, it appears she had emotionally distanced herself from her mother -- and possibly you -- long before your mother's actual passing. Letting go was easier for her than for you because she had already moved on.
DEAR ABBY: How can I tell my dear husband of nearly 50 years that he talks too much? I have tried telling him that conversation is a two-way street, and that as we grow older we should talk less and listen more -- but his way of conversing is to tell long, involved stories, omitting not the slightest detail, and he will tell his life story to anyone who will listen.
I dread having dinner with friends and family now, knowing that at some point, he will begin to hold court and the other diners will sit with glazed eyes, smothering their yawns and glancing at their watches. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but this problem is getting worse and I need some advice.
If you print this, perhaps he will see himself and realize that others need to be involved in conversations. Please help! -- DISTRESSED IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR DISTRESSED: If your husband hasn't picked up on the social cues (glazed eyes and glances at watches) regarding his monologues, please do not count on him "seeing himself" in a letter in my column and realizing that it relates to him.
After nearly 50 years, you are, to put it mildly, long overdue for a frank talk with your spouse. And when you do, work out a signal you can give him to tell him when enough is enough. I hope it helps. But he's a little old to be learning social sensitivity. You may have to keep living with it and count your blessings for his virtues.
DEAR ABBY: When walking through two sets of doors, and someone holds both of them for you, when is the correct time to say "thank you"? Is it after the person holds the first door or the second? I have been wondering about this for quite some time. -- BRANDY IN GROVE CITY, OHIO
DEAR BRANDY: Wonder no more. Say "thank you" twice.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Couple Who Embrace Diversity Are Sickened by Family Racist
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I find ourselves in a situation that, in our wildest dreams, we wouldn't have believed could happen. We have four married, happy and successful children.
One son-in-law, "Guy," chooses to work "under the table" jobs and has never had a steady income. Although they have a son, Guy chooses not to provide care for the boy when he's not working. In his words, "taking care of kids is not my thing." For reasons we don't understand and no longer question, our daughter dotes on the man and apparently has no qualms about supporting him. All this time, we have gritted our teeth and let them make their own decisions, believing this is their choice and none of our business.
Guy has now decided that his purpose in life is to be a "skinhead." He has plastered his vehicle with racist slogans. My husband and I are sickened by his actions and have told our daughter we will not allow her husband to display his beliefs on our property. She knows we believe that racism is an abomination, yet she stands by him because she loves him.
We, of course, fear that our grandson will be indoctrinated into his father's beliefs. Also, our extended family embraces various ethnic backgrounds and religious beliefs that we now know our son-in-law hates. How should this situation be handled? -- BAFFLED AND DISGUSTED
DEAR BAFFLED AND DISGUSTED: Cross your fingers and count your blessings. Because your son-in-law feels that taking care of kids is "not his thing," his influence on your grandson may be less than you fear. While a child might mimic the behavior of a parent who spends time with him, I'm not sure the same is true of a child whose parent ignores him.
It is clear from your letter that you are very uncomfortable around your son-in-law. The reverse might also be true. Your beliefs are so different from his that he, too, might like to keep contact at a minimum. If that's the case, you're home free. But continue to welcome your daughter and grandson.
If the boy starts spouting any of his father's racist dogma, personalize it for him. Example: "We don't feel like that in this house. Surely you don't feel that way about Uncle John or Aunt Sally or your cousins. They love you, and you know better than that!" It might start your grandson thinking independently or even make him ashamed. And that's the goal.
DEAR ABBY: Six weeks after my wedding, I was asked by my husband's mother and sister to lend my wedding gown to a neighbor friend of theirs, a stranger to me. I feel a wedding gown is a very personal item, and frankly, their request shocked me. I told my in-laws I would need to think about it, but I really do not want to lend the dress. It was very expensive, and I spent a lot of time looking for just the right one.
I feel hurt to have been placed in such an awkward position. I would like to decline, but I don't want to make any waves. My husband understands how I feel and says he'll support me no matter what I decide. Please tell me what to do. -- RELUCTANT NEWLYWED IN OHIO
DEAR RELUCTANT: I agree the request is presumptuous, particularly since you don't even know the woman who would be wearing your wedding gown. You are under no obligation to agree. Simply tell your in-laws that, rather than lending such a sentimental keepsake, you prefer to save it for the daughter you may have one day. You don't owe them a further explanation than that.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)