For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Cross Dresser's Revelation Causes His Friends to Flee
DEAR ABBY: About a month ago, I was shocked out of my shoes. My longtime friend, "Orville," told me he had bought $280 worth of women's clothes. He went on to describe how "great" it feels to wear them. He says he has been a cross-dresser since boyhood when he started wearing his sister's clothes. When she found out, she continued dressing him up and he loved it.
Orville says he's a woman trapped in a man's body -- something about brain lobes. I saw it once in the newspaper, but didn't read it because I wasn't interested.
Orville has told a lot of his friends and now he is isolated. I don't go over there either, because I don't want to hear it. (He even said I should try it.) We are in our 60s, and I think Orville is headed for trouble. I just can't believe he is gay. I am heterosexual (when I get the chance). Does he need a shrink? Please advise. -- SHOCKED IN OKEECHOBEE, FLA.
DEAR SHOCKED: Feeling that one is trapped in the body of someone of the opposite sex does not make the person "gay." It means he or she is a transsexual. Your friend needs understanding, not isolation.
By all means he should see a psychiatrist -- one who specializes in gender disorders. He should have counseling if he wants to take this where it is heading, and also to cope with the loss of his friends. It would be a kindness to tell him that.
DEAR ABBY: We always have a large birthday party for my 8-year-old daughter every year. We hold the party later in the evening when we know people can come if it falls on a weekday because of work.
My sister returned to college this year, and I knew she could not come because she had a class that evening. So I asked my husband if we should have the party on another day or on the weekend. He said, "No, we're having it on her birthday in the evening, and if they can't come, they can see her at a later date." He said, what if they can't come on the weekend either? So the party stayed the same.
Football started that night for my other sister and her son, and my husband's sister had to work late. I feel like a heel! I agree that I don't want my daughter's party to be a week or two after her birthday, and I don't want to combine mine with hers, since they are two days apart. What do you think about this? Couldn't they miss one event to come to a party? -- BRENDA IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR BRENDA: The type of parties you have described are more for adults than for children. It is more important that your little girl be able to enjoy her birthday with some of HER friends than it be a command performance for your sisters. Please consider this next year, because I don't think you are being fair to your daughter.
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem. I have been having this recurring dream that I am getting married to my boyfriend of four years, and every time I have the dream, I end up backing out of the wedding. In other words, I always panic and run away. What does this dream mean? -- DREAMER IN BIRCHLEAF, VA.
DEAR DREAMER: I'm no expert in dreams, but to me, your dream means that on some level you're not fully committed to marrying your boyfriend. Pay attention to it because that's something that you should examine with both eyes open, in the clear light of day.
Mom in the Middle Can't Pull Daughter, Husband Together
DEAR ABBY: I was recently married. I have a daughter, "Courtney," from a previous relationship. Things were great before the wedding. We even included Courtney in the planning. Afterward, however, things turned sour.
Courtney kept causing problems with my husband, and they both looked to me to work it out. I felt like I was being torn in two. No matter what I said to either of them, or if I just left the room to force them to work it out without me, things only got worse.
I left my husband over this. I was stressed out. Everyone was telling me I should not let my daughter dictate what was going on in my life. But I'm not going to force my child to live in a home where she does not feel love and does not want to be. Did I make the right decision? I still love my husband, but I must look out for what is best for my daughter. -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN BLUE SPRINGS, MO.
DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: Of course you have to look out for what is best for your child. Although you may have done the right thing in leaving, however, I think you left too soon.
Courtney had never had to share her mother's love and attention with anyone before. She was fighting for total possession of her parent, which wasn't healthy for either of you. Before leaving your husband, it would have been better to try family counseling to determine if a licensed professional could improve the level of communication, tolerance and understanding between the "combatants."
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old female who lives in a large family. There are two brothers, two sisters, three cousins, one aunt, two uncles, my parents and both my grandparents living here -- so things are very open.
When I was 5, one of my uncles started molesting me. It lasted for eight years. After I was 6 or 7, the other uncle began raping me almost daily, and it went on for the next eight years.
I told my parents about the molestation, and we went to the police. But because they didn't do anything about the molestation, I didn't tell them about the everyday rape.
It has been three years since it stopped happening, and my uncle has told me he is sorry. I feel I need someone to talk to about this, but I don't want to tell them who did it. I really need some advice. -- HURTING IN HAYWARD, CALIF.
DEAR HURTING: Pick up the phone and call the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). The toll-free number is (800) 656-4673. Counselors there will guide you to specialized services that can help you.
Their entire focus is on helping the victims of sexual assault. No one will "force" you to reveal anything you don't want to.
However, after counseling, you may decide to tell the authorities what was done to you in order to prevent your uncle from raping and assaulting other vulnerable family members or neighbors. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you will.
DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine is a single father with a 12-year-old daughter. The mother is no longer involved in their lives.
I am concerned because the 12-year-old sleeps in the same bed as her father. Although he claims nothing is going on, I believe -- and have stated -- that it is not a good idea. What do you think? I think it would help him to hear someone else's opinion. -- JANE IN BURLINGAME, CALIF.
DEAR JANE: I agree the girl is too old to be sleeping with her dad. A 12-year-old girl is well on her way to becoming a young woman, and sharing a bed with her father could be too stimulating, for both of them. If he has further doubts about this, he should consult his daughter's pediatrician.
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Nurse Disillusioned With Job Contemplates Career Change
DEAR ABBY: I love your column and no-nonsense advice. I guess what I want is for you to tell me it is OK to change careers.
I am a registered nurse who graduated from nursing school a year ago and hates her job. I am getting ready to change careers. It will cost me money, but I feel the payoff in time and peace of mind is worth it.
What do I say to people who are going to criticize me for it? Yes, I know it seems crazy to have spent four years getting a degree and not use it, but I really don't like nursing. The problem is mainly the other nurses and the environment, not my patients. Again, thanks for all you do. You do make a difference. -- SUSAN IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR SUSAN: Whoa, not so fast! If you were unhappy in your career, you would get no argument from me about changing it. However, before you make a final decision about leaving nursing, I urge you to consider that there is more than one way to practice the profession.
Among them is private duty nursing. Or getting a job as a nurse with a cruise line. Or becoming a traveling nurse. (Google "Travel nurses.") Agencies offer opportunities to travel and work anywhere in the 50 states. Some provide housing, meals allowance, continuing education courses and signing bonuses.
It may be possible to use the training you worked so hard to attain and not have to deal with the "other nurses" and the "environment." Please think it over and check out nursing registries in your state before you make your final decision. You may be pleasantly surprised.
DEAR ABBY: The man of my dreams, whom I have been with for seven years, has started cutting himself. I feel like I am losing my grip on reality, since in the past he has always talked to me when he had a problem. He is on anti-depressants, but they seem not to be working.
What can I do to help him see that he can talk to me, and this is not something he needs to continue? He is a quiet person, so no one knows about this -- just me and his daughters. Please help me. I am scared that one day I will come home and he will be dead. -- CRAZY WITH WORRY, HAWKINSVILLE, GA.
DEAR CRAZY WITH WORRY: It is far more important that the man of your dreams start talking to a mental health professional than it is that he confide in you right now. When people are so depressed that they start cutting, it is an indication that they need an intervention that's beyond the ability of a friend with a willing ear.
The place to start is to discuss this with the doctor who is giving the man of your dreams those anti-depressants. I urge you to see that it is done now, because he could seriously hurt himself, or worse.
DEAR ABBY: My brother is 16, just one year younger than I am, but he's doing some risky things that have me worried. One of the risks he is taking is against the law -- he's drinking alcohol. I told him not to, but as a teenage boy, he thinks listening to his older sister is not cool.
I can't tell my parents because then I'd be a snitch and a tattle-tale. What can I do? -- WAVERING IN WICHITA, KAN.
DEAR WAVERING: Some secrets are meant to be kept, others are better broken. Drinking and drugs fall into the latter category. Tell your parents what is going on before your brother gets into serious trouble, and ask them to keep what you told them confidential. Once they have been made aware of your brother's drinking, "catching" him while he's inebriated won't be difficult.
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