To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: This is in reference to the letter from "Shannon in Houston" (6/25), the mother who thinks it's inappropriate for her 11-year-old son to tell his girlfriend he loves her. I agree with your answer, and would like to point out that love at such a young age is devoid of the ulterior motives of more mature love: It's not physical, and it's not social or money-driven. It is untainted love, love for love's sake.
Besides, children learn to love by being loved themselves. That mother must have done something right, as her young son knows how to give someone love -- a skill many people never acquire during their lifetime. -- LOVING MOM OF LOVING SONS
DEAR LOVING MOM: Point well taken. I firmly believe children are able to feel love for each other -- because I was one of them. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You ran a letter from a mom who felt that her 11-year-old son couldn't know what love is. While it may be true for some kids, it's not true for all. Parents should let their kids develop emotionally, not belittle their feelings.
I fell in love with a boy in my class when I was about that age. Those feelings remained throughout grade school and high school. He was the first love of my life, and I'll always have special feelings for him -- even though it has been years since I last saw him.
Even if the girl doesn't turn out to be her daughter-in-law, these relationships will prepare her son to be the man he will one day become. -- CASSIE IN GRESHAM, ORE.
DEAR ABBY: That mother missed an important teaching moment, an important milestone in her son's life. She should have validated his feelings because children do feel deeply. When my daughter was in love for the first time at 13, we talked about what love means. It means wanting only the best for the other person. You care about the safety and welfare of that person and always treat him (or her) with kindness and respect. You would never encourage someone you love to do anything unlawful, dangerous or harmful. And you will know he loves you if he feels this way about you.
I repeated the same litany as she was growing up. My daughter is now 22, and still talks to me about her romances and almost everything else. -- BEEN-THERE MOM, ENGLEWOOD, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: I am now 91. You gave that mother the right advice. I wish someone had told my mother the same. She scoffed at my "puppy love," but it has endured -- just as Charles Schulz in his "Peanuts" strip never forgot his "little red-headed girl."
Eighty years have passed since I fell in love with Margaret Ruprect back in Dubuque, Iowa. I can still remember her golden hair shining in the sun and her laughter. I only got to kiss her once, but I'll never, ever forget her. If she's still living, I hope she sees this and knows I still love her. -- BOB C., ATASCADERO, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to address my comments to "Shannon in Houston." I am confused. What are the most frequent words you say to your child? "I love you," again and again. You show your son your love every day. But as soon as he professes love for someone outside the family, you tell him "he's too young to understand what love is."
How can that possibly be true, if he has been raised in a loving family? -- JOANN J., TAMPA, FLA.
Mom Dumps Marital Woes on Her Daughter's Shoulders
DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and have a complicated problem. My mother, whom I love very much and who is one of the most wonderful women ever, has, at 41, found herself in a very difficult situation.
She recently confided to me that her marriage of almost 12 years to my stepfather has been extremely unsatisfactory -- especially in the bedroom. He has absolutely no interest in the deed at all, and, as a normal, red-blooded woman, she does.
I suggested they seek professional guidance, but they have yet to do so. To further confuse the situation, Mom has found herself attracted to a 28-year-old co-worker who is also very attracted to her and has made his feelings known.
I am not sure how to advise her about this. On the one hand, it's wrong to have an affair. But on the other hand, you only get one life, and I want her to be happy. Mom is a wonderful woman and deserves everything good in life, and I don't know what to tell her. Please help, Abby. -- IN A HOT SPOT IN TUCSON
DEAR IN A HOT SPOT: Your mother may be a "wonderful woman," but it was extremely inappropriate of her to try to involve you in her sex life. Please don't give this your blessing, or the person who will get the blame for it later is YOU.
Tell her again that she needs to resolve this problem with her husband and a marriage counselor. It's the mature way of handling the kind of problem she's dealing with.
DEAR ABBY: My sister and I are throwing a large 40th anniversary/60th birthday party for my parents and sending them on a trip as our gift to them.
In lieu of gifts, my sister sent out invitations that stated we would instead be graciously accepting donations to help pay for the trip. Because the range of donations will vary from person to person, my sister has decided to give Mother a list detailing the amount given by each guest. She feels that because some folks may go "above and beyond" what others donate, our mother needs to know who the most generous gifts come from.
I am vehemently opposed to the idea. I feel that any donation that helps to pay for the trip is "above and beyond" anyone's obligation, and that their being part of the celebration is enough -- regardless of how much they give.
I see no reason for my parents ever to know who gives what, and think that my sister sharing the information is in terrible taste. Your thoughts, please? -- EMBARRASSED IN PITTSFORD, N.Y.
DEAR EMBARRASSED: If the party and trip are a gift from you and your sister, I am mystified as to why the guests are asked to make contributions to foot the bill. I agree that any donation that will help to pay for the trip is above and beyond anyone's "obligation," and for your sister to give your parents an accounting of what each guest forks over would be tacky in the extreme.
DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine from work and her family are from Romania. They moved to the United States nine years ago. She, her husband and son have all just become U.S. citizens. I am happy for them and proud to know them.
I would like to get them a gift in celebration, and I'm not sure what would be appropriate. Could you suggest something that you think would work? I'd appreciate any input you would give. -- PROUD OF MY FRIEND, BROWNTOWN, WIS.
DEAR PROUD: How about giving them an American flag?
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Wife Will Never Measure Up to Mother Husband Worships
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Clay," has a very abnormal relationship with his mother. (I'll call her "Jewel," although she's far from one.)
Clay frequently tells me I'll never be as perfect as Jewel, that she's a living saint. He tells her how much money he makes, but he won't tell me, and he refuses to tell me where his money goes. He insists we have separate checking accounts, but he shares an account with Jewel. Abby, Clay earns three or four times as much as I do, but he never helps financially.
He never buys groceries, and I've had to pawn my jewelry, work overtime and beg my parents for money to put food on the table for our three children. Clay will pay nothing toward the children's clothing or doctor visits, and he has never bought them –- or me -– a gift for any occasion. He has never bought anything for our home, either.
Jewel is nosy and butts into every aspect of our lives. She claims she "loves" us and is "trying to help." When she calls, if no one answers, she demands to know where we were -- and Clay tells her. If he goes somewhere alone and I ask where he's been, he says it's none of my business and accuses me of being controlling. Jewel calls to question him five times a day and it's OK, but when I ask him anything, I'm "intruding" on his life.
This is only the tip of the iceberg. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the picture. Abby, how can I get him to understand how his relationship with his mother is hurting me? Mothers and sons should be close, but not that close. It's time for him to cut the umbilical cord. I'm desperate –- please help me. -- MARRIED TO A MAMA'S BOY
DEAR MARRIED TO A MAMA'S BOY: The "saint" in the family must be you –- for having tolerated this situation long enough to have three children with this man.
Your mother-in-law may be part of your problem, but your marriage to Clay is so out of balance I almost hesitate to call it a marriage. When people marry, they have certain financial obligations toward each other that Clay seems to have ignored completely.
Marriage counseling might be helpful, but only after you have consulted a lawyer to learn what your rights are –- because it seems to me you're enduring all of the hassles and enjoying none of the privileges of marriage.
DEAR ABBY: I have an irritating problem I'm sure many people can relate to. My name is "Phoebe," pronounced "Fee-bee." Why is it the majority of people pronounce it "Fobe," "Fobee" or "Phobia"? Is there an appropriate method of correcting people?
This is especially embarrassing when I visit the doctor and the nurse steps into the waiting room and calls for "Fobee" or "Fobe." It aggravates me that so many people have such difficulty with my name, yet no one seems to mispronounce Phoenix. Why is that? -- PHOEBE
DEAR PHOEBE: Try not to be embarrassed when people mispronounce your name. Simply correct them and move on, knowing they probably won't make the same mistake twice. I'm sure you're not the only one with this problem. It probably also happened to Caesar.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)