Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sibling's Rivalry Becomes a Game of One Upmanship
DEAR ABBY: I have never been overly fond of my brother-in-law, "Ivan." He's an obnoxious, overbearing bully, and his wife, "Anita," is envious and deceitful. My husband and I have been married 24 years, and I have tolerated these two because my husband and Ivan were in business together. By the way, my husband is 10 years older than Ivan and has much more business experience.
In their personal lives, Ivan and Anita have gone out of their way to upstage us. We bought a car; they bought a more expensive one. We redecorated our kitchen; they remodeled their whole house. We sold our home and bought a bigger one; they sold theirs and bought a house larger than ours. It became a family joke.
Ivan refused to consult my husband on business matters and purchased so much inventory, we nearly had to file for bankruptcy. Finally, after 13 years, we had enough. We sold our share of the business and have never been happier, nor more successful.
Abby, after putting up with their shenanigans for so many years, I literally hate Ivan and Anita. I know it sounds terrible, but I don't speak to them, and I refuse to be in their presence. Although my husband speaks to them, he doesn't really care for their company either.
The dilemma: I realize it's not fair to the rest of the family that I won't attend family functions if Ivan and Anita are there, but should I make myself miserable for the sake of my husband's family? -- FREE AT LAST IN FAIRBANKS
DEAR FREE AT LAST: From your description of Ivan and Anita, they are more to be pitied than hated. Their self-esteem issues are so severe they destroyed a successful family business. You are free now and more successful than ever, so why are you hanging onto your anger this way?
To make your family "choose" which of you to invite to family gatherings is unfair. For the sake of your husband's family, bite the bullet and attend, but concentrate on other family members and avoid Ivan and Anita whenever possible.
DEAR ABBY: Our father died three years ago. He was married to "Mildred," his second wife, for more than 10 years. We weren't close to her. However, we do write occasionally and see her once or twice a year. He left everything to her in his will, which we accept.
Never in all the time since our father died has Mildred offered to give us anything of Dad's. Just something small and personal would be greatly appreciated and treasured. We're not talking about anything of monetary value. Also, there are numerous items such as old family photographs, a few things of my grandmother's, etc. We can't figure out why she would want to keep them, and we feel they should be kept in our family.
We thought that in time, she'd give us these items, so we haven't asked her about them. Perhaps if she sees this letter she will realize that this means a lot to us. What do you think we should do, Abby? Or should we just ask her? -- HIS CHILDREN
DEAR CHILDREN: Mildred isn't a mind reader. By all means, ask her. Granted, offering you something that belonged to your father would have been the sensitive thing to do, but she may have been preoccupied by her own grief, or perhaps she didn't think there was anything you wanted. Don't count on her seeing your letter in my column -- speak up.
Sharing Intimates Puts Spark in Couple's 30 Year Marriage
DEAR ABBY: Please tell me if I'm going crazy. My husband of 30 years recently admitted that he enjoys wearing my undergarments! At first I was shocked, but now I am over it. We went shopping together and bought him several pairs of panties and a couple of nightgowns. He was in seventh heaven.
Our sex life has never been better and we really are enjoying each other -- but still I wonder. -- MIXED UP IN FLORIDA
DEAR MIXED UP: You are not the first wife who has helped her husband cross-dress, and you won't be the last. He is a transvestite -- someone who enjoys wearing clothing that is traditionally worn by the opposite sex. Because your sex life has "never been better" and you are "really enjoying each other," my advice is to stop "wondering" and appreciate that after 30 years of marriage your husband finally trusted you enough to show you who he really is.
DEAR ABBY: My 6-year-old grandson, "Andy," was "Daddy's boy" before his father and my daughter divorced. Now "Andrew" (the father) refuses to see Andy or even call him by name. I asked Andy if he misses his daddy a lot, and he nodded yes. It's overwhelmingly sad.
Distance isn't the problem. It's that Andrew has remarried and has a new son. Andy was named after his father; his new brother was given the same name!
I don't understand why Andrew is so cruelly punishing the boy. Andy has questions about the father he loves that we can't answer, and a brother he has never seen.
I hope Andrew will change his mind. He wants no contact with Andy or our side of the family, but I hope the rest of the family will stay in touch with the boy. My grandson needs all of his relatives even more now that his father chooses to be out of his life.
Abby, please print this so Andrew's family will know they are wanted and needed, not to take sides or to judge, but to love a child who is theirs, too. -- CONCERNED GRANDMA
DEAR CONCERNED GRANDMA: Your former son-in-law's actions are very revealing. They illustrate how shallow his commitment was to his firstborn child. In case your former in-laws miss seeing this letter, call them and tell them exactly what you've told me.
If the paternal grandparents choose not to continue their relationship with Andy, you and your daughter should seriously consider enlisting a male relative from your side of the family to spend some time with the boy.
If that's not possible, consider Big Brothers, an organization that provides caring volunteers willing to become mentors and give of their time and friendship. To contact a chapter near you, write: Big Brothers Big Sisters of America, 230 N. 13th St., Philadelphia, PA 19107; or visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.BBBS.org" ��www.BBBS.org�.
DEAR ABBY: I am thinking about trying something unusual, and I would like your opinion. I am a divorced mother of two who is fortunate to have an excellent relationship with my ex-husband and his wife. We all believe that the children come first.
For many reasons, I believe the best arrangement may be for all of us to live together. I have found a house with a lovely remodeled basement with a separate entrance. I could live there, and my ex and his wife could have the upstairs. We would not have to venture into each other's space unless invited, but the children would have easy access to all of us.
Obviously, there are details to work out, but we think we are all mature enough to handle them. Have you ever heard of this working? -- L.C. IN MISSOURI
DEAR L.C.: No, I haven't. What you're contemplating would require an unusual degree of maturity and civility, but that doesn't mean it can't be done. However, I can't help but wonder what might happen if you brought another man into the equation. Would everyone be as comfortable then?
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, after 56 years of marriage, I became a widow. I am only 82. I miss the companionship, but what I miss the most is ballroom dancing. All my friends are widows, or their husbands are too feeble to dance.
I keep house for my divorced son and teenage grandson. I drive my grandson to school in a carpool, take him to the doctor, the dentist, etc. I am blessed with good health and can travel across the country to visit my daughters and other relatives. I play bridge three or four times a week. I am active in my religious community and have many friends of all ages. I love to read, and I'm never bored or lonely.
Abby, what I'm trying to say is: Age is all in the mind. -- YOUNG AT HEART IN ARIZONA
DEAR YOUNG AT HEART: I agree with you. With your attitude you will never be "old" or lonely.
As to missing ballroom dancing, check your Yellow Pages for dancing schools and sign up for some classes. I knew a lady who went dancing well into her 90s. When she attended events, she would take one (or two!) dancing instructors with her. Where there's a will, there's a way.
DEAR ABBY: Both of my siblings and I are in our mid-20s. After years of fighting, bickering and unhappiness, my parents have finally separated for good. My mother has moved in with her cousin.
My problem is my mother is perpetually depressed. This has been going on for years. In addition, she has become more and more reclusive. Her life has become her job, her cat and occasional outings with her cousin, my siblings or me. We have tried repeatedly to get Mom into counseling or involved in any sort of social organization to no avail. Mother is only in her mid-50s and dislikes anything involving "seniors."
Abby, please help. Can you suggest some place or organization to which my mother can turn for help? -- WIT'S END IN WILMINGTON
DEAR WIT'S END: Chronic depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. The good news is that, in most cases, it is treatable. Your mother should see a physician for a thorough checkup, and if possible, you should accompany her and explain how restricted her life has become.
DEAR ABBY: I met an interesting, caring, loving man four weeks ago. He is 23 and I am 28. We are very attracted to each other. We have already become intimate, and we have decided to date exclusively.
I realize our relationship has moved awfully fast, and it may not be the smartest thing I have ever done. My problem is, he never wants to go anywhere. He prefers to sit at his home or mine, watch TV, have sex or not -- and he's completely satisfied with that.
I, on the other hand, am a go-getter. I love to be taken out and shown a good time, go dancing, go to the gym, to the movies, the theater and restaurants. I have discussed my unhappiness with him, but he thinks I'm overreacting. Is this a warning sign? What do you think? -- FAST LOVE IN TEXAS
DEAR FAST LOVE: I think you have jumped the gun. Your boyfriend's passivity is a warning sign. Before you forego dating others, you need to know him a lot better. If there are major disparities now in your view of what makes a good time, consider the adjustments you will both have to make if you get really serious.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)