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Smiling Receptionist Frowns on People Who Ignore Her
DEAR ABBY: I am working temporarily as a receptionist. I get tired of greeting people, but I put on a smile and do it. But it upsets me when I make contact with someone and say, "Good morning," only to have him or her look away and ignore me.
Would it be OK to say, "Excuse me, I said, 'Good morning'"? If not, how do you suggest dealing with rude people like these? I think they should be made aware of their poor manners. But how?
Too many people think it's all right to grunt inaudibly, or worse, completely ignore the greeting. -- TIRED OF SMILING, RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR TIRED OF SMILING: As a receptionist, your job is to offer a smiling, friendly welcome for your employer when clients walk in the door. Of course, the usual and proper response to a courteous and friendly greeting is to return it. People who don't are rude -- or may have serious problems on their minds. However, it is NOT your job to teach them good manners, something their mothers should have done years ago. My advice to you is to keep smiling, and also keep looking for a job you find more fulfilling.
DEAR ABBY: My father died suddenly a short time ago. Ever since, I have been having a hard time trying to sort out my feelings. I have yet to break down and cry, and I don't know how to say goodbye to a man who meant so much to me and my siblings. He was a great man, my hero, and the only man I have ever wanted to be like.
Abby, I feel guilty about not having broken down and cried yet. I want those feelings to come, but they won't. Please give me some advice. -- GORDON IN IOWA
DEAR GORDON: Please accept my condolences for the loss of your father. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. Death is something that affects different people in different ways. Sometimes the survivors feel numb, which may be why it's hard for you to cry.
Please do not feel guilty about this. Joining a grief support group might help you in getting through this period. However, the last thing you need on top of the pain of your loss right now is to beat yourself up because you haven't behaved in a fashion you thought you "should" have.
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law never stops bragging about her kids. And these brats constantly compete to be the center of attention, spitefully putting my children down at family gatherings.
My mother-in-law spends a lot of extra time with these kids because they are involved in athletics. My children are about the same age, but when I'm around my mother-in-law, all she talks about are the niece and nephew. She never asks about my children. I have taken to politely excusing myself when she does this, or when my sister-in-law starts bragging, or her kids start drawing attention to themselves.
Is this the proper way to handle this problem? -- READY TO SCREAM IN OLYMPIA, WASH.
DEAR READY TO SCREAM: Your sister-in-law appears to be a natural when it comes to public relations. Surely your own children have some accomplishment that you can pipe up and mention at these family gatherings.
Leaving the room is not the way to handle this. Speaking up and talking about what caring, thoughtful, creative children your children are is something you should have started doing long ago.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 26 and have never wanted children. Last year, however, two lines appeared on a pregnancy test and 41 weeks later the girl was born. I pleaded and begged my husband throughout the pregnancy to sign adoption papers with me. He refused. He is in the military and was gone through most of the last seven months. We now live thousands of miles from my family, and I am miserable, stuck with a colicky baby who still doesn't sleep through the night.
I find no joy, no pleasure and no love being a mother. I can't sleep knowing I must wake up to a crying baby and the same routine of feeding, diapers, baths and bottles. I have become more and more detached from the girl and have nothing to enjoy. Showers are short. Dinners are rushed and usually cold. I can't even enjoy a cup of coffee without looking over my shoulder to see where the girl is. I don't want her to touch me, and I can barely hide my revulsion when I have to pick her up.
I am exhausted beyond belief, and my thoughts are turning darker every day. It's not the girl's fault she was born, but I can't help feeling resentment and anger toward this little person who more and more resembles a block of concrete on my feet.
We can't afford day care, and we have no friends or relatives remotely close by. I can't stand to wake up much longer, and these long stretches of crying have my nerves shot and my hands itching to shake the girl until she shuts up. (I have never shaken her.)
I'm scared of my feelings. What's wrong with me? Why can't I love my child? Should I put her in foster care? My husband can't stand her, either, but he's adamant that we keep her. Yet I'm suffering, and so is she. She deserves a mother who loves her. -- GOING CRAZY IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR GOING CRAZY: It is not a crime not to feel maternal -- not everyone is. In a case like yours, adoption might have been the better option. I wish you had included your name, address or a phone number so I could have contacted you directly. Because you didn't, I can only recommend that before another day goes by, you contact the doctor who delivered your daughter, or her pediatrician, and repeat what you have told me. You may be suffering from post-partum depression, a hormonal condition that is treatable, and you may need a respite from motherhood.
Once your chemistry is balanced again, consider making a trip to visit your family for a few weeks. If you leave the baby with your husband, and he must assume responsibility for her care in your absence, he may begin to see the wisdom of placing her with a family who really wants her and is willing to accept the responsibility that goes along with having a baby. Please don't wait.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl and a senior in high school this year. I don't have many friends because I have never been part of the "in" crowd, so I am very grateful for the few true friends I have. In particular, I appreciate my friendship with an older man whom I met through my local youth group. He has been my friend and mentor throughout my high school years, and I would like to do something to show my appreciation for his friendship.
What would be an appropriate way to thank him for being my friend and role model? -- THANKFUL FOR FRIENDSHIP IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR THANKFUL: An excellent way to show your appreciation would be to write him a letter telling him what a difference his caring and friendship have made in your life during these important years. It will be something he can keep and enjoy over and over again for a lifetime.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Elderly Can Be Easy Prey for Greedy Family Members
DEAR READERS: Today's column continues the discussion regarding the letter from "Perturbed in N. Carolina," who felt that her grandmother was being taken advantage of by her aunt and uncle because she is paying between $600 and $700 rent a month, plus a percentage of household improvements.
"Perturbed" said her parents would like Grandma to live with them rent-free, but were afraid to cause a rift in the family. I told her I didn't think this was something she should be involved in, and that her father should talk to his mother and extend the offer. But the decision should be his mother's to make, and sometimes mothers feel closer to their daughters than to their sons.
Many readers felt I should have responded differently. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your answer was off the mark. I'm the business manager of a skilled nursing facility. I see firsthand the damage caused by greedy relatives who suck dry the assets of their parents or grandparents, then leave them to be cared for at taxpayers' expense.
If Grandma contributed the money for the daughter's home improvements because she wanted to, that's her right. However, if the payments were required by her daughter as a condition of her residency, it is quite another issue and constitutes exploitation, if not elder abuse.
If the granddaughter or her dad cannot or will not intervene directly, the local office of Adult Protective Services can be contacted to make an assessment of the situation. If elder abuse is determined to be an issue, legal remedies can be instituted to recover any money gained fraudulently, and other living arrangements can be made. -- SUSAN W., LIVINGSTON, MONT.
DEAR ABBY: Same thing happened to my mother! When she could no longer live on her own, my oldest sister had her move in over the objections of my sisters and brother. Our mom needed special care that she did not get -– and after three years of bleeding Mom dry of both money and possessions, my sister moved her into a nursing home. She didn't even leave enough for funeral expenses when the time comes.
Sometimes parents will agree to whatever it takes to stay someplace that's familiar. I say that grandmother should be moved before they fleece the poor thing out of everything she owns. I wish we'd done it for our mother. -- SAD IN MINNESOTA
DEAR ABBY: The aunt's constant requests for money may intimidate her mother. Grandma may not be aware that her son would be happy to take her in, and may worry that she'll be thrown out or placed in a nursing home if she refuses.
The next time they visit, "Perturbed" or her father should have a quiet, confidential talk with Grandma to ensure that she's truly happy with the situation, making it clear that they are bad-mouthing no one, but if she does wish to make a change, they would be happy to support her. Alternatively, they might suggest that Grandma might like a change of scene for a while and could stay with them for a few months to see what happens. -- CONCERNED IN THE U.K.
DEAR ABBY: Because of my health I moved from California to live with my daughter and son-in-law two years ago. I pay $250 a month room and board. I, too, have my own room and bath. I also help out by cooking dinner every night, doing laundry and light housework, and driving my teenage grandchildren to and from school.
I pay my own way when we go out, plus my own bills and expenses. I wish I could pay more, but when I say so, they tell me what I contribute is worth far more than money. I think that grandmother is being taken! -- HAPPY IN NEVADA
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)