For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Elderly Can Be Easy Prey for Greedy Family Members
DEAR READERS: Today's column continues the discussion regarding the letter from "Perturbed in N. Carolina," who felt that her grandmother was being taken advantage of by her aunt and uncle because she is paying between $600 and $700 rent a month, plus a percentage of household improvements.
"Perturbed" said her parents would like Grandma to live with them rent-free, but were afraid to cause a rift in the family. I told her I didn't think this was something she should be involved in, and that her father should talk to his mother and extend the offer. But the decision should be his mother's to make, and sometimes mothers feel closer to their daughters than to their sons.
Many readers felt I should have responded differently. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your answer was off the mark. I'm the business manager of a skilled nursing facility. I see firsthand the damage caused by greedy relatives who suck dry the assets of their parents or grandparents, then leave them to be cared for at taxpayers' expense.
If Grandma contributed the money for the daughter's home improvements because she wanted to, that's her right. However, if the payments were required by her daughter as a condition of her residency, it is quite another issue and constitutes exploitation, if not elder abuse.
If the granddaughter or her dad cannot or will not intervene directly, the local office of Adult Protective Services can be contacted to make an assessment of the situation. If elder abuse is determined to be an issue, legal remedies can be instituted to recover any money gained fraudulently, and other living arrangements can be made. -- SUSAN W., LIVINGSTON, MONT.
DEAR ABBY: Same thing happened to my mother! When she could no longer live on her own, my oldest sister had her move in over the objections of my sisters and brother. Our mom needed special care that she did not get -– and after three years of bleeding Mom dry of both money and possessions, my sister moved her into a nursing home. She didn't even leave enough for funeral expenses when the time comes.
Sometimes parents will agree to whatever it takes to stay someplace that's familiar. I say that grandmother should be moved before they fleece the poor thing out of everything she owns. I wish we'd done it for our mother. -- SAD IN MINNESOTA
DEAR ABBY: The aunt's constant requests for money may intimidate her mother. Grandma may not be aware that her son would be happy to take her in, and may worry that she'll be thrown out or placed in a nursing home if she refuses.
The next time they visit, "Perturbed" or her father should have a quiet, confidential talk with Grandma to ensure that she's truly happy with the situation, making it clear that they are bad-mouthing no one, but if she does wish to make a change, they would be happy to support her. Alternatively, they might suggest that Grandma might like a change of scene for a while and could stay with them for a few months to see what happens. -- CONCERNED IN THE U.K.
DEAR ABBY: Because of my health I moved from California to live with my daughter and son-in-law two years ago. I pay $250 a month room and board. I, too, have my own room and bath. I also help out by cooking dinner every night, doing laundry and light housework, and driving my teenage grandchildren to and from school.
I pay my own way when we go out, plus my own bills and expenses. I wish I could pay more, but when I say so, they tell me what I contribute is worth far more than money. I think that grandmother is being taken! -- HAPPY IN NEVADA
Caring for Elderly Relative Involves More Than Money
DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Perturbed in N. Carolina" (July 20) describing the living arrangements of her grandmother, who has chosen to live with her daughter. The arrangement she has for $600 to $700 a month, plus a few extra items, sounds like a steal to me.
I have taken care of my grandmother ever since my mother's death 16 years ago. Even though my grandmother lives on her own, my wife and I are her means of transportation, health-care coordination, entertainment and emergency calls. This is not easy.
If "Perturbed's" family is so concerned about Grandma's welfare, then why don't they offer Grandma a vacation at their home for two weeks? I bet the aunt would love to have some time alone with her husband and daughter, and it might give "Perturbed's" parents new insight. -- BEEN THERE AND DOING IT
DEAR BEEN THERE: It might, indeed. I must say that the response I received after printing that letter has been all over the map -– and I plan to print two days' worth.
I told "Perturbed" that I didn't think this was a family matter she should be involved with, and that if her parents would like Grandma to live with them, then the father should talk to his mother and extend the offer. But the decision should be his mother's to make, and sometimes mothers feel closer to their daughters than to their sons.
Some who responded to that letter felt strongly I should have responded differently, and I'll print those letters tomorrow. Today we'll hear from respondents with living arrangements similar to those mentioned in the letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I applaud your advice to the granddaughter to stay out of the "where Grandma should live" conflict. Living far away, she has no idea of what goes on in her aunt's house. For that matter, the parents may not have a complete grasp of the situation, either.
When my husband's mother came to live with us, we felt guilty asking her to contribute, but we had to consider several factors. Several major, expensive projects were done to ensure her comfort. Our monthly expenses increased. So did my laundry and kitchen duties because my mother-in-law is physically incapable of sharing any household chores.
I make and serve all her meals. I also help her take showers, supervise her medical care and drive her to all of her appointments. I also must be present during her checkups to be sure she gets the facts straight, and take care of all her insurance problems. I clean her hearing aids and make sure she has the correct batteries, and handle her prescription refills. This is a full-time job for which there are no benefits, no days off and no vacation time.
My husband and I have lost our privacy and freedom, and must arrange our activities around her needs. She refuses to give us a break, such as an occasional respite weekend at an assisted-living facility. I'd like to take her to a senior center one afternoon or two a week. She refuses to do this, too.
My point is: If financial compensation helps to ease the physical and mental stress –- so be it! -- STRESSED OUT IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR ABBY: We live in a multigenerational household with my 89-year-old grandmother, who also pays rent and is extremely happy to do so. She says it makes her feel more like a contributing member of the household. She doesn't like being dependent on others. We provide all her transportation, prepare her meals, and we all eat together every evening.
This kind of living arrangement is complex, and a lot of people can't handle it. Cohabitation is about much more than money alone. Perhaps that grandma knows that money can't buy happiness, and living in a happy household is worth the money. -- ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY IN OAKLAND, FLA.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I live at a camp in the north woods of Wisconsin. A staff member's kids spend the day at our camp. The kids are annoying, nasty and whiny.
One 8-year-old girl has attached herself to my 7-year-old sister and is pulling her away from our family. She comes up to our house whether or not my sister invites her, and usually makes a mess. She also invites my sister to stay down at the lodge late at night, which makes my sister tired and crabby.
Her 11-year-old brother attaches himself to my 5-year-old brother, and then pushes him around.
I miss spending time with my sister, and I don't like her change in behavior. I have tried to do something about it, but to no avail. If I go out and tell them, they might hate me. What should I do? -- TICKED OFF IN WISCONSIN
DEAR TICKED OFF: Talk to your parents. How do they feel about this? Eleven-year-old boys are too old to play with 5-year-olds. And when the older child pushes the younger one around, it is considered bullying, which should not be tolerated. It's up to your parents to put a stop to it. As to your sister's friendship with the girl, if the time they spend together and the "messes" she creates don't seem to bother your parents, then I guess it's permissible.
Because you miss spending time with your sister, you need to fill it with something else. Camp activities or making friends with some of the other campers your age would be fun, and make you less dependent upon her for company. Please consider it.
DEAR ABBY: My husband's stepsister, "Melanie," visits us from Alabama for five days every year. When Melanie stays with us, she expects to make us a "Southern dinner" one night during her stay. Before she arrived, I told my husband, "Lawton," that I didn't want her making dinner because she goes through my kitchen drawers and cabinets without asking where anything is. She just takes over my kitchen!
I don't mind if Melanie helps herself to something in the refrigerator, gets a plate and silverware or something of that nature. But for her to come in and take over my kitchen and root through every drawer and cabinet truly upsets me.
Lawton went against my wishes and told Melanie it was OK to make the dinner. Abby, I couldn't even stand to be in my own kitchen while she was preparing it. I felt I couldn't say one word in my own home.
Lawton accused me of being "hostile" to her and a spoiled brat. He also let me know it is his home, too, and when his stepsister comes to visit, she's allowed to do whatever she wants.
Am I wrong in feeling the way I do? If I am a guest in someone's home (even my sister's), I never do anything without asking. I was brought up to respect another person's home. I feel my husband should have complied with my wishes. Am I wrong? Please enlighten me. -- UPSET WIFE, POTTSTOWN, PA.
DEAR UPSET WIFE: Your feelings are understandable, and many people -- of both sexes -- feel as you do about their kitchens. However, since "preparing a Southern dinner" has become traditional when Melanie visits, my advice is to ask her what equipment she will need before she starts the preparation, so you can have it sitting on the counter ready for her. That will minimize the amount of "rooting" she has to do, and you will feel less invaded. Bon appetit, y'all!
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)