Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Family Reels From Revelation of Husband's College Affair
DEAR ABBY: I hardly know how to put this into words. It is so difficult. Recently, my husband's college roommate came to visit us. These men are in their 40s, Abby. My son, who is 16, heard them talking out on the patio about their life at college. Obviously, they had no clue he was near.
It seems that the two of them had sex with each other that continued during all the four years they were in college. Once he got an earful about their relationship, my son told me he stopped listening.
As far as I know, this visit was the first in 10 years. I never for one moment would have suspected this. It has frightened me in so many ways, and now I need to discuss the situation with my son and my husband and control the damage. However, my son refuses and is pretending now that it's not important.
How do I handle this? We are simple people, Abby, just plain people with a real problem. Can you help me? -- DUMBFOUNDED IN SAN JOSE
DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: Your son may have stopped listening, but he knew what he heard was important enough that he came and told you. People have been known to "experiment" with their sexuality in college, but a four-year affair goes beyond experimentation.
You need to find out if your husband has continued his bisexual activity since college. If he has, you need to contact your doctor and be tested for sexually transmitted diseases.
Once you know your health status, it will be time to ask your physician for a referral to a licensed family therapist who can help you discuss this with your husband and your son. For everyone's sake, it's important to do it as soon as possible.
DEAR ABBY: My parents have been divorced for about eight years. Frankly, they stayed married too long. They made me and my siblings miserable with their constant fighting. Mom finally left my father, and although Dad tried to win her back, she went through with the divorce.
Dad is now happily remarried, and Mom lives with her boyfriend. My children love their new step-grandmother, "Ellen," and they also love my mother's boyfriend.
I have never invited Dad to any of my children's birthday parties (my oldest will be 10 next month) because I invite my mother. However, I really like Ellen, and when my 5-year-old insisted I send invitations to her grandfather and Ellen, I didn't hesitate.
My mother is extremely selfish and self-centered. She doesn't want Ellen to have any kind of relationship with "her" grandchildren. She has already called Ellen and told her so in not-so-nice words.
How can I break it to Mom that my daughter wants everyone there? After all, it's her special day. I'm glad my dad is happy. I like Ellen, and my children love her. I have reached the end of my rope with my mother, but I'm not sure how to express my feelings. -- IN THE MIDDLE IN STOCKTON, CALIF.
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Tell your mother that in this day of blended families, you are no longer willing to choose sides. Explain that you and the kids would love to have her share these milestone occasions with you, but their grandfather and his wife are part of the extended family and will be included. If she doesn't like it, then it is her privilege not to attend -- but if she goes that route, she'll only be cutting off her nose to spite her face.
Showing Respect to 'Mister' or 'Miss' Is Just Good Manners
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from "In a Quandary in Georgia" (6/3), whose fiance wants her children to continue calling him "Mr. Earl" after the wedding, this could be a red-flag warning for problems in the future. Child experts and studies state that successful parenting relies on the biological parent setting and enforcing the rules and discipline for his or her kids. "Mr. Earl" is asking for control, not respect. They need to get some stepfamily counseling before attempting to unite. I know! -- BEEN THERE, LOS ALTOS, CALIF.
DEAR BEEN THERE: I also thought it was a matter of the fiance having control issues. But you know what? I may have been wrong, and you may be wrong, too. For families who live south of the Mason-Dixon line, addressing an older person as "Mister" or "Miss" is considered plain old-fashioned good manners. So drag out the old wet noodle and read on:
DEAR MISS ABBY: I address you this way as, to me, it is an endearment and out of respect. Down here in New Orleans, should someone address an older person by his or her first name without a Ms. or Mr. in front of it, it's considered disrespectful.
This is most certainly a Southern thing, as one would address Dolly Parton as "Miss Dolly," and "Miss Scarlett," bless her heart, were the poor girl alive today, would still be addressed in this manner.
I do not like being addressed by a younger person by my first name. It is terribly harsh, and I'd cringe at hearing a younger person disrespect me in that fashion.
This custom is not an anachronism. Address a physician by his or her first name and see what the reaction is. You will be informed that the title of doctor was earned, and it is expected that you will use it. And as an older, middle-aged person, I have also earned the title of ... "MISS MAGNOLIA," KENNER, LA.
DEAR ABBY: This custom is not unique to the southern U.S. In Spain and in Latin America, adults are called Don (insert first name) or Dona (insert first name), and in France, one seldom hears a child say "oui," or "non" without it being followed by a "madame" (ma'am) or "monsieur" (sir). I would suggest those kids come up with a nickname for Earl as a compromise. -- SOUTHERN BOY IN ARIZONA
DEAR ABBY: Growing up in Hawaii, we always referred to adults as "Uncle" or "Aunty." They are not only used as terms of endearment, but also as a way to show our respect.
My mother passed away recently. Kids who grew up in our neighborhood attended her services and left cards for her addressed "Aunty Carol." -- PUA, HONOLULU
DEAR ABBY: As a new stepfather, Mr. Earl has the right to be called by whichever name he feels comfortable with. I was married for nine years with two wonderful stepchildren. When the younger one asked me once if he could call me "Mom," I was flattered, but explained to him that he already had a "Mom," and I am "Ms. Amber." I was raised not to call adults by their first names, but to use Mr. or Mrs. in front of their name instead. It may seem like an old-fashioned custom, but in my opinion, it is a good one. -- MS. AMBER IN NORMAN, OKLA.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman Shrinks From Stares That Bigger Breasts May Bring
DEAR ABBY: Due to childbirth, menopause and various surgeries, my breasts aren't what they used to be, so at 54 years of age, I and my husband agree that it's time for me to have breast augmentation. I'm not looking to be another Pamela Anderson; I just want to replace what I've lost so my clothes will fit better.
I'm a bit self-conscious about this and fear the stares, comments and questions from family or friends who think it's their right to ask me about it. What is a tactful response to the comments? -- DIANE IN KESWICK, VA.
DEAR DIANE: You might say, "Why, thank you for noticing," and change the subject. But you should be aware that many women consider breast augmentation to be such an uplifting experience that they feel compelled to share every detail, including "show-and-tell." So don't be shocked if your attitude changes after you have it done.
DEAR ABBY: My wife of five years has three sisters. She is the second oldest, and ever since I have known her, she has felt like she doesn't "belong" in her family. These feelings get worse during holiday get-togethers. She feels isolated by her sisters and her mother.
I thought she would eventually grow out of it, but since they have all had kids, it has only gotten worse. She cries every time we leave her parents' house, and I know it is affecting our son.
What can I do to help her get over these feelings of not being liked or loved by her own family? It is starting to affect our marriage. -- CARLA'S HUSBAND
DEAR HUSBAND: There is nothing you can do to "help" your wife get over the feeling that she doesn't measure up. But there is something SHE can do: start talking to a licensed psychotherapist about her feelings.
Because I do not know the family or their "dynamic," I can't offer a judgment about the validity of her feelings. However, because she is in tears every time she leaves a family gathering, it might be best if you limit your -- and her -- exposure to those relatives, at least for a while.
DEAR ABBY: I am a young single mother of two wonderful children, yet I feel like a part of me is lost. I have been separated for nearly three years and am nearing the finalization of a divorce. There has been only one meeting between us in that time, and I am fine with the divorce. I have considered myself divorced all this time. Yet, the thought of actually signing those papers makes me literally ill.
Why is this? I am no longer in love with him, and I know I'm better off now, alone and making it on my own. Yet the feeling that it is final is haunting me for some reason. -- SCATTERBRAINED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR SCATTERBRAINED: Would it help you feel less "scatterbrained" to know that your feelings are normal? All of them? At one time you committed yourself fully to the man you married and to the dream of "happily ever after." Signing the divorce papers severs your last tie to your husband and closes the door behind you, even though you exited the marriage three years ago.
Please do not be afraid to sign the papers. Look at it from this perspective: One door closes, another one opens, and it is the door to your future. I wish you the best of luck and happiness in the years to come.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)