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Showing Respect to 'Mister' or 'Miss' Is Just Good Manners
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from "In a Quandary in Georgia" (6/3), whose fiance wants her children to continue calling him "Mr. Earl" after the wedding, this could be a red-flag warning for problems in the future. Child experts and studies state that successful parenting relies on the biological parent setting and enforcing the rules and discipline for his or her kids. "Mr. Earl" is asking for control, not respect. They need to get some stepfamily counseling before attempting to unite. I know! -- BEEN THERE, LOS ALTOS, CALIF.
DEAR BEEN THERE: I also thought it was a matter of the fiance having control issues. But you know what? I may have been wrong, and you may be wrong, too. For families who live south of the Mason-Dixon line, addressing an older person as "Mister" or "Miss" is considered plain old-fashioned good manners. So drag out the old wet noodle and read on:
DEAR MISS ABBY: I address you this way as, to me, it is an endearment and out of respect. Down here in New Orleans, should someone address an older person by his or her first name without a Ms. or Mr. in front of it, it's considered disrespectful.
This is most certainly a Southern thing, as one would address Dolly Parton as "Miss Dolly," and "Miss Scarlett," bless her heart, were the poor girl alive today, would still be addressed in this manner.
I do not like being addressed by a younger person by my first name. It is terribly harsh, and I'd cringe at hearing a younger person disrespect me in that fashion.
This custom is not an anachronism. Address a physician by his or her first name and see what the reaction is. You will be informed that the title of doctor was earned, and it is expected that you will use it. And as an older, middle-aged person, I have also earned the title of ... "MISS MAGNOLIA," KENNER, LA.
DEAR ABBY: This custom is not unique to the southern U.S. In Spain and in Latin America, adults are called Don (insert first name) or Dona (insert first name), and in France, one seldom hears a child say "oui," or "non" without it being followed by a "madame" (ma'am) or "monsieur" (sir). I would suggest those kids come up with a nickname for Earl as a compromise. -- SOUTHERN BOY IN ARIZONA
DEAR ABBY: Growing up in Hawaii, we always referred to adults as "Uncle" or "Aunty." They are not only used as terms of endearment, but also as a way to show our respect.
My mother passed away recently. Kids who grew up in our neighborhood attended her services and left cards for her addressed "Aunty Carol." -- PUA, HONOLULU
DEAR ABBY: As a new stepfather, Mr. Earl has the right to be called by whichever name he feels comfortable with. I was married for nine years with two wonderful stepchildren. When the younger one asked me once if he could call me "Mom," I was flattered, but explained to him that he already had a "Mom," and I am "Ms. Amber." I was raised not to call adults by their first names, but to use Mr. or Mrs. in front of their name instead. It may seem like an old-fashioned custom, but in my opinion, it is a good one. -- MS. AMBER IN NORMAN, OKLA.
Woman Shrinks From Stares That Bigger Breasts May Bring
DEAR ABBY: Due to childbirth, menopause and various surgeries, my breasts aren't what they used to be, so at 54 years of age, I and my husband agree that it's time for me to have breast augmentation. I'm not looking to be another Pamela Anderson; I just want to replace what I've lost so my clothes will fit better.
I'm a bit self-conscious about this and fear the stares, comments and questions from family or friends who think it's their right to ask me about it. What is a tactful response to the comments? -- DIANE IN KESWICK, VA.
DEAR DIANE: You might say, "Why, thank you for noticing," and change the subject. But you should be aware that many women consider breast augmentation to be such an uplifting experience that they feel compelled to share every detail, including "show-and-tell." So don't be shocked if your attitude changes after you have it done.
DEAR ABBY: My wife of five years has three sisters. She is the second oldest, and ever since I have known her, she has felt like she doesn't "belong" in her family. These feelings get worse during holiday get-togethers. She feels isolated by her sisters and her mother.
I thought she would eventually grow out of it, but since they have all had kids, it has only gotten worse. She cries every time we leave her parents' house, and I know it is affecting our son.
What can I do to help her get over these feelings of not being liked or loved by her own family? It is starting to affect our marriage. -- CARLA'S HUSBAND
DEAR HUSBAND: There is nothing you can do to "help" your wife get over the feeling that she doesn't measure up. But there is something SHE can do: start talking to a licensed psychotherapist about her feelings.
Because I do not know the family or their "dynamic," I can't offer a judgment about the validity of her feelings. However, because she is in tears every time she leaves a family gathering, it might be best if you limit your -- and her -- exposure to those relatives, at least for a while.
DEAR ABBY: I am a young single mother of two wonderful children, yet I feel like a part of me is lost. I have been separated for nearly three years and am nearing the finalization of a divorce. There has been only one meeting between us in that time, and I am fine with the divorce. I have considered myself divorced all this time. Yet, the thought of actually signing those papers makes me literally ill.
Why is this? I am no longer in love with him, and I know I'm better off now, alone and making it on my own. Yet the feeling that it is final is haunting me for some reason. -- SCATTERBRAINED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR SCATTERBRAINED: Would it help you feel less "scatterbrained" to know that your feelings are normal? All of them? At one time you committed yourself fully to the man you married and to the dream of "happily ever after." Signing the divorce papers severs your last tie to your husband and closes the door behind you, even though you exited the marriage three years ago.
Please do not be afraid to sign the papers. Look at it from this perspective: One door closes, another one opens, and it is the door to your future. I wish you the best of luck and happiness in the years to come.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Boyfriend Who Can't Remember Names Skips the Introductions
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Zack," has been a bartender for many years. He has a terrible time remembering the names of his many customers who consider him a friend.
When we're out and about, we often encounter these people. Because Zack cannot remember their names, he simply does not introduce me to them. I feel very left out. Of course, they stare at me and wonder who I am, and it's a very awkward situation.
Zack refuses to admit to people that he can't remember their names. He says they would be offended, especially since he has known them for many years. Is there any way to deal with this? -- RED-FACED IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR RED-FACED: Absolutely! As soon as the person glances over at you, smile and say, "Hi! I'm 'Melissa.' What's your name?" It works every time.
P.S. When your boyfriend sees these people, he probably thinks, "There's rum and cola," or "gin and tonic." His problem is not uncommon among people in his profession.
DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, my 25-year-old son was killed in a boating accident. It was a very difficult time, as you can imagine. He was engaged to be married. His fiancee has since moved on with her life, and I have come to terms with my son's death.
My problem is that the mother of one of my son's close friends continues to remind me of this. She calls me every year near the anniversary of his death and wants to take me out to dinner. She always talks about what a "wonderful young man" my son was, how tragic his death was, etc.
Abby, I really can't stand this type of behavior. This year, she presented me with a photograph of my son that her son had taken about a year before his accident. When I saw the picture, it was like a knife in my heart. All of the horrible memories came flooding back.
I think that in some sick way, this woman thinks she is doing a good deed. I didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her this, but I see that I am going to have to because I can't stand another year of her morbid behavior. Someone who has lost a child doesn't need reminders. We all grieve in our own way. -- M.A.R., MARLTON, N.J.
DEAR M.A.R.: The last line of your letter says it all. Some parents welcome the opportunity to talk about the child they lost. That's because they feel isolated in their grief by friends and family who are afraid to raise the subject for fear of hurting them, which leaves them with bottled-up pain they can't express.
I am certain that the woman who is reaching out to you has no idea how unwelcome her gestures are. You would be doing you both a favor if, the next time she calls, you explain to her that "we all grieve in our own way," and your way of dealing with your loss has been to move forward and put it behind you. Therefore, there will be no more dinners, no more reminders of the loss you feel so deeply, and no more souvenirs. Thanks, anyway.
DEAR ABBY: Could you please resolve a question concerning proper table manners?
When you are at a restaurant that has cloth napkins, is it proper to place your napkin on your lap as soon as you are seated or after the server takes your order? -- JULIA IN FAIRBORN, OHIO
DEAR JULIA: Your napkin should be unfolded and placed in your lap as soon as you are seated.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)