DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, my 25-year-old son was killed in a boating accident. It was a very difficult time, as you can imagine. He was engaged to be married. His fiancee has since moved on with her life, and I have come to terms with my son's death.
My problem is that the mother of one of my son's close friends continues to remind me of this. She calls me every year near the anniversary of his death and wants to take me out to dinner. She always talks about what a "wonderful young man" my son was, how tragic his death was, etc.
Abby, I really can't stand this type of behavior. This year, she presented me with a photograph of my son that her son had taken about a year before his accident. When I saw the picture, it was like a knife in my heart. All of the horrible memories came flooding back.
I think that in some sick way, this woman thinks she is doing a good deed. I didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her this, but I see that I am going to have to because I can't stand another year of her morbid behavior. Someone who has lost a child doesn't need reminders. We all grieve in our own way. -- M.A.R., MARLTON, N.J.
DEAR M.A.R.: The last line of your letter says it all. Some parents welcome the opportunity to talk about the child they lost. That's because they feel isolated in their grief by friends and family who are afraid to raise the subject for fear of hurting them, which leaves them with bottled-up pain they can't express.
I am certain that the woman who is reaching out to you has no idea how unwelcome her gestures are. You would be doing you both a favor if, the next time she calls, you explain to her that "we all grieve in our own way," and your way of dealing with your loss has been to move forward and put it behind you. Therefore, there will be no more dinners, no more reminders of the loss you feel so deeply, and no more souvenirs. Thanks, anyway.