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Girlfriend's Past Indiscretion Gnaws at Man in Here and Now
DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-something male who is madly in love with my girlfriend. That being said, I do have one concern. She dated a friend of mine for a short while prior to dating me. Their relationship was physically intimate, something I have reserved for only our relationship.
In short, I am having trouble facing my friend.
Can you advise me how to get over my discomfort at the physical nature of their relationship? She was never promiscuous. Her one "indiscretion" happens to be my good friend. -- TRYING TO GET OVER IT
DEAR TRYING: You can overcome your discomfort by recognizing that today many people come with a sexual past, and by not allowing yourself to dwell on it. (If you do, it'll be like pumping air into a balloon until it explodes.)
Your problem isn't unusual. Most people like to fantasize that the partner they have chosen has no sexual history. If you're worried about "comparisons" -- look at it this way: YOU'VE got the girl.
DEAR ABBY: I was shocked and hurt recently when my grandmother wrote me a letter about the level of "disrespect" I supposedly "heaped on her" during a recent visit. I am 37 years old, and while visiting her after the funeral of a relative, I showed her some photographs of me and my fiance.
My fiance is a tall, handsome, African-American man I met and fell in love with two years ago. The "disrespect" she was alluding to in the letter was "because her granddaughter was involved with a black man."
Abby, I was raised to accept people for who they are, lovingly and with respect, regardless of color or ethnicity. I do not want to be disrespectful of my grandmother or hurt her, but my fiance and I were married on April 15 and we are very happy. My question is, can old grandmothers be taught new tricks? -- OFFENDED IN CARTERVILLE, GA.
DEAR OFFENDED: Some can, when they see their grandchild is happy in a stable marriage; others are too firmly entrenched in their biases to change their thinking. Remember, you and she are from different generations, and although mixed marriages are not uncommon these days, they were when your grandmother was growing up.
In your case, I wouldn't count on teaching Granny any new tricks, because her mind appears to be locked tighter than Guantanamo Bay. But hold a good thought.
DEAR ABBY: I work in a small office with four "girls." A fifth girl, whom I'll call "Shirley," takes her break with us. Over the past year, we have all become friendly.
Shirley has a daughter I'll call "Toni." Toni is pregnant, and Shirley is throwing her a shower. We are all invited, even though I am the only one who has met Toni, and only once, briefly. Shirley approached us to ask if any of us are attending the shower, and when we declined the invitation, she proceeded to ask if we would all chip in $10 for a gift from us.
Does this take nerve or what? Any suggestions? -- MORTIFIED IN LANSFORD, PA.
DEAR MORTIFIED: It takes either "nerve" or total ignorance of the social graces. Unless you want to chip in for a group gift, I suggest you also decline that "invitation."
Debate on Church Attire: Show Up or Show Respect?
DEAR ABBY: May I respond to your reply to "Dismayed in Marysville, Mich.," regarding attire in church? As a priest and pastor, I'm appalled at how some people come dressed for Sunday worship.
You said that "Dress codes have been greatly relaxed in recent decades," which I find to be inaccurate. What has become relaxed is the attitude, the respect and reverence people have for worship and church buildings. From brides walking down the aisle chewing gum to funeral pallbearers wearing tennis shoes, to members wearing flip-flops, shorts and tank tops on Sunday, the lack of respect and reverence to worship is disgusting.
These same people would never allow their children to play in a sporting event out of uniform, or apply for a job interview themselves dressed inappropriately. Sunday worship should be no different! -- PRIEST IN OHIO
DEAR PRIEST: I also said I was raised to believe people should dress "respectfully" in the house of the Lord -- and that means fully shod and covered up enough so it doesn't distract the other worshippers. However, reaction to my reply varied sharply. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: More important than what people are wearing is the reason for being in church in the first place. Maybe it would be better if we could all enter God's house blind. If we can't see what people are wearing, we can leave our judgments and prejudices outside and use the time to learn more about God's purpose for our lives. -- DIANA IN CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA
DEAR ABBY: Satan wants to embarrass the church, so he sends people dressed any kind of disrespectful way. They'd be sent home from their jobs if they dressed like that. Women: Cover up! You are worth more than your skin. -- PASTOR'S WIFE IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR ABBY: That we worship is more important than what we wear. That letter reminded me of the story of the old cowboy who visited a new church in his jeans and boots. After the service, the pastor greeted him and remarked, "We enjoyed having you here today, but before you return, you should have a talk with God about proper attire in church."
The next week, the cowboy returned wearing the same clothes, so the pastor approached him again. "I thought I told you to speak with God about what to wear when you came here," he said. The cowboy responded, "I did. But he said he didn't know because he'd never set foot in here!" -- IOWA COWBOY
DEAR ABBY: My pastor says no one would consider dressing casually if they were going to be in the presence of our president or any other dignitary. Why would we consider anything less for our Lord? Makes perfect sense to me. -- BARBARA, MORGANTOWN, PA.
DEAR ABBY: I have seen people come to church straight from working in their yard, without changing or washing up. When I was a child living in the country, men came to work wearing overalls, but they were clean and, most of the time, new. Today, there is no excuse for slovenliness in public, much less in God's house. -- LILLIE IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.
DEAR ABBY: Church is where you go to give praise to the Lord, not check out what others are wearing. If "Dismayed" feels put out because someone isn't dressed the way she'd like, then maybe the services should be held at Macy's so she can feel more comfortable. -- MATTHEW IN PEORIA
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOTHER'S FRAUDULENT MARRIAGE SCHEME COULD LAND SON IN JAIL
DEAR ABBY: I am acquainted with a young man who is 18. His mother is pushing him to marry a young woman from South America so she can stay in the United States. The young lady is an employee at the mother's store. The mother is a very strong force, and I'm afraid he will go along with her plans.
I am sure this kind of thing is done all the time, but if this situation is discovered, what could happen to the young man? Could he go to jail for this? I would hate for him to ruin his life because of his pushy mother.
I would like to present him with all the facts before he commits himself to something this life-altering. If you print my letter, please don't reveal my name or location, as his mother would never allow him to see us again. -- CONCERNED
DEAR CONCERNED: His mother should be ashamed of herself. According to Judge Judith Champagne of the California Superior Court, the name for what you have described is "immigration fraud, and it is a felony that could, indeed, bring jail time." Please warn him that the feds are onto these kinds of shenanigans. "Couples who pretend to be married are called in for an interview and questioned separately about minute details that cannot be faked. Being convicted of a felony could ruin this young man's future, so I strongly advise against taking such a foolish risk."
DEAR ABBY: Please tell me what to do. I was at a birthday luncheon with six other women, and a discussion about female newscasters came up. One of the guests was raving about how wonderful a certain news anchor was, and said, "She has eight children!" Feeling naughty, I said, "That just means she likes gettin' it on!" I realize my comment may have been off-color, but we've known each other 20 years, and I was just mouthing off.
The woman who had brought up the newscaster immediately took great offense and replied, "My mother had eight children!" The lady whose 81st birthday we were celebrating then said, "Your mother must have liked to do it, too." The offended lady told us angrily that she didn't appreciate our remarks.
I was very embarrassed and apologized repeatedly, both for myself and the honoree -- who, I can assure you, meant no harm either. Then I had my lunch packed up, paid my share of the bill, and left.
I told my husband what happened, and he assured me that I had done nothing wrong. The offended woman brought her mother into the discussion, and the lady whose birthday it was made the comment about her mother. I feel ashamed and angry at the same time. The woman ignored my apology and ruined the birthday party.
Can't a group of senior ladies who have been friends more than 20 years share a little spice? Or am I out of step? -- STILL UPSET IN MIDLOTHIAN, VA.
DEAR STILL UPSET: There is an old saying, "Never discuss sex, politics or religion" at parties -- and you unwittingly touched on one (possibly two) of the subjects. Do I think you committed social suicide? No, I think the woman overreacted. Write her a short note apologizing again, and then drop it. Whether she accepts it or not is up to her.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)