For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Debate on Church Attire: Show Up or Show Respect?
DEAR ABBY: May I respond to your reply to "Dismayed in Marysville, Mich.," regarding attire in church? As a priest and pastor, I'm appalled at how some people come dressed for Sunday worship.
You said that "Dress codes have been greatly relaxed in recent decades," which I find to be inaccurate. What has become relaxed is the attitude, the respect and reverence people have for worship and church buildings. From brides walking down the aisle chewing gum to funeral pallbearers wearing tennis shoes, to members wearing flip-flops, shorts and tank tops on Sunday, the lack of respect and reverence to worship is disgusting.
These same people would never allow their children to play in a sporting event out of uniform, or apply for a job interview themselves dressed inappropriately. Sunday worship should be no different! -- PRIEST IN OHIO
DEAR PRIEST: I also said I was raised to believe people should dress "respectfully" in the house of the Lord -- and that means fully shod and covered up enough so it doesn't distract the other worshippers. However, reaction to my reply varied sharply. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: More important than what people are wearing is the reason for being in church in the first place. Maybe it would be better if we could all enter God's house blind. If we can't see what people are wearing, we can leave our judgments and prejudices outside and use the time to learn more about God's purpose for our lives. -- DIANA IN CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA
DEAR ABBY: Satan wants to embarrass the church, so he sends people dressed any kind of disrespectful way. They'd be sent home from their jobs if they dressed like that. Women: Cover up! You are worth more than your skin. -- PASTOR'S WIFE IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR ABBY: That we worship is more important than what we wear. That letter reminded me of the story of the old cowboy who visited a new church in his jeans and boots. After the service, the pastor greeted him and remarked, "We enjoyed having you here today, but before you return, you should have a talk with God about proper attire in church."
The next week, the cowboy returned wearing the same clothes, so the pastor approached him again. "I thought I told you to speak with God about what to wear when you came here," he said. The cowboy responded, "I did. But he said he didn't know because he'd never set foot in here!" -- IOWA COWBOY
DEAR ABBY: My pastor says no one would consider dressing casually if they were going to be in the presence of our president or any other dignitary. Why would we consider anything less for our Lord? Makes perfect sense to me. -- BARBARA, MORGANTOWN, PA.
DEAR ABBY: I have seen people come to church straight from working in their yard, without changing or washing up. When I was a child living in the country, men came to work wearing overalls, but they were clean and, most of the time, new. Today, there is no excuse for slovenliness in public, much less in God's house. -- LILLIE IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.
DEAR ABBY: Church is where you go to give praise to the Lord, not check out what others are wearing. If "Dismayed" feels put out because someone isn't dressed the way she'd like, then maybe the services should be held at Macy's so she can feel more comfortable. -- MATTHEW IN PEORIA
MOTHER'S FRAUDULENT MARRIAGE SCHEME COULD LAND SON IN JAIL
DEAR ABBY: I am acquainted with a young man who is 18. His mother is pushing him to marry a young woman from South America so she can stay in the United States. The young lady is an employee at the mother's store. The mother is a very strong force, and I'm afraid he will go along with her plans.
I am sure this kind of thing is done all the time, but if this situation is discovered, what could happen to the young man? Could he go to jail for this? I would hate for him to ruin his life because of his pushy mother.
I would like to present him with all the facts before he commits himself to something this life-altering. If you print my letter, please don't reveal my name or location, as his mother would never allow him to see us again. -- CONCERNED
DEAR CONCERNED: His mother should be ashamed of herself. According to Judge Judith Champagne of the California Superior Court, the name for what you have described is "immigration fraud, and it is a felony that could, indeed, bring jail time." Please warn him that the feds are onto these kinds of shenanigans. "Couples who pretend to be married are called in for an interview and questioned separately about minute details that cannot be faked. Being convicted of a felony could ruin this young man's future, so I strongly advise against taking such a foolish risk."
DEAR ABBY: Please tell me what to do. I was at a birthday luncheon with six other women, and a discussion about female newscasters came up. One of the guests was raving about how wonderful a certain news anchor was, and said, "She has eight children!" Feeling naughty, I said, "That just means she likes gettin' it on!" I realize my comment may have been off-color, but we've known each other 20 years, and I was just mouthing off.
The woman who had brought up the newscaster immediately took great offense and replied, "My mother had eight children!" The lady whose 81st birthday we were celebrating then said, "Your mother must have liked to do it, too." The offended lady told us angrily that she didn't appreciate our remarks.
I was very embarrassed and apologized repeatedly, both for myself and the honoree -- who, I can assure you, meant no harm either. Then I had my lunch packed up, paid my share of the bill, and left.
I told my husband what happened, and he assured me that I had done nothing wrong. The offended woman brought her mother into the discussion, and the lady whose birthday it was made the comment about her mother. I feel ashamed and angry at the same time. The woman ignored my apology and ruined the birthday party.
Can't a group of senior ladies who have been friends more than 20 years share a little spice? Or am I out of step? -- STILL UPSET IN MIDLOTHIAN, VA.
DEAR STILL UPSET: There is an old saying, "Never discuss sex, politics or religion" at parties -- and you unwittingly touched on one (possibly two) of the subjects. Do I think you committed social suicide? No, I think the woman overreacted. Write her a short note apologizing again, and then drop it. Whether she accepts it or not is up to her.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My heart goes out to "Frightened but Curious," who not only had to endure being molested by a high school teacher, but also being ostracized by her peers. May I offer a point she might consider?
From her age, I'm guessing the incident happened 15 or 20 years ago. Back then, that kind of thing was often swept under the rug and not spoken about, which resulted in the ignorant belief that the victims were somehow to blame. Those cruel classmates most likely have children of their own by now, and will probably view her situation from an entirely different perspective. Society today is more enlightened about molestation and who the criminal really is.
Instead of letting what her classmates did all those years ago stop her from attending the reunion, she should go and, if anyone raises the issue, she will probably be pleasantly surprised by their mature and sympathetic attitude. I wish her a wonderful time. -- M.K. IN HOUSTON
DEAR M.K.: I received a ton of mail from supportive readers urging her to go. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I come from a small, rural town in Kentucky. During high school I did not have the easiest time. You see, I am gay. It was widely suspected in high school, and I had my share of teasing.
After graduation I married a girl from my class only to have a daughter and divorce shortly thereafter. At 22, I finally came out of the closet, and shortly after, met the man of my dreams. We've been together more than 16 years and I'm very happy. My daughter, husband and I live together, and my life is better than I ever thought it could be.
As I began planning our 20-year high school reunion, I was able to reconnect with all 120 students from my class. Time has changed us all. Some of the guys who gave me a hard time back then have already apologized, and two of the biggest football players took me aside last week and told me that if anyone "bothered me" at the reunion I should let them know!
We grow up a lot after getting out of the fishbowl of high school. I say, go back. Dance, laugh, catch up with your friends and celebrate your youth. You will be surprised how the "big world" irons out our differences and makes us wise! -- TAB IN ILLINOIS
DEAR ABBY: I also had some very cruel classmates in high school, and had similar doubts for different reasons. I was the class "intellectual" and couldn't wait to get away to college, where I was happy for the first time in my life. I had been beaten up and my personal possessions had a way of turning up -- if at all -- in others' lockers. In addition, I was called every anti-Semitic epithet in the book.
My husband and I went to my 20th reunion looking like a million. I organized a get-together that brought several of my best friends back, and we attended as a group. Most important, though, was learning that the worst of my tormentors was dumped just before college graduation by her boyfriend of 10 years, who then married her best friend. She got married on the rebound and couldn't come to the reunion because her husband had given her twin shiners in honor of the occasion. Don't use my name, please. Sign me ... SCHADENFREUDE IN SALEM
CONFIDENTIAL TO PAULINE PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy birthday to the dearest mother in all the world. Watch the sky tonight because all the fireworks are for you!
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)