For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My heart goes out to "Frightened but Curious," who not only had to endure being molested by a high school teacher, but also being ostracized by her peers. May I offer a point she might consider?
From her age, I'm guessing the incident happened 15 or 20 years ago. Back then, that kind of thing was often swept under the rug and not spoken about, which resulted in the ignorant belief that the victims were somehow to blame. Those cruel classmates most likely have children of their own by now, and will probably view her situation from an entirely different perspective. Society today is more enlightened about molestation and who the criminal really is.
Instead of letting what her classmates did all those years ago stop her from attending the reunion, she should go and, if anyone raises the issue, she will probably be pleasantly surprised by their mature and sympathetic attitude. I wish her a wonderful time. -- M.K. IN HOUSTON
DEAR M.K.: I received a ton of mail from supportive readers urging her to go. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I come from a small, rural town in Kentucky. During high school I did not have the easiest time. You see, I am gay. It was widely suspected in high school, and I had my share of teasing.
After graduation I married a girl from my class only to have a daughter and divorce shortly thereafter. At 22, I finally came out of the closet, and shortly after, met the man of my dreams. We've been together more than 16 years and I'm very happy. My daughter, husband and I live together, and my life is better than I ever thought it could be.
As I began planning our 20-year high school reunion, I was able to reconnect with all 120 students from my class. Time has changed us all. Some of the guys who gave me a hard time back then have already apologized, and two of the biggest football players took me aside last week and told me that if anyone "bothered me" at the reunion I should let them know!
We grow up a lot after getting out of the fishbowl of high school. I say, go back. Dance, laugh, catch up with your friends and celebrate your youth. You will be surprised how the "big world" irons out our differences and makes us wise! -- TAB IN ILLINOIS
DEAR ABBY: I also had some very cruel classmates in high school, and had similar doubts for different reasons. I was the class "intellectual" and couldn't wait to get away to college, where I was happy for the first time in my life. I had been beaten up and my personal possessions had a way of turning up -- if at all -- in others' lockers. In addition, I was called every anti-Semitic epithet in the book.
My husband and I went to my 20th reunion looking like a million. I organized a get-together that brought several of my best friends back, and we attended as a group. Most important, though, was learning that the worst of my tormentors was dumped just before college graduation by her boyfriend of 10 years, who then married her best friend. She got married on the rebound and couldn't come to the reunion because her husband had given her twin shiners in honor of the occasion. Don't use my name, please. Sign me ... SCHADENFREUDE IN SALEM
CONFIDENTIAL TO PAULINE PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy birthday to the dearest mother in all the world. Watch the sky tonight because all the fireworks are for you!
Stay at Home Mothers Are Pulling Down Hefty 'Salaries'
DEAR ABBY: I need your help with something. My 16-year-old grandson seems to think that all his mother does is stay at home. He conveniently "forgets" that she is a housekeeper, gardener, cook, teacher, nurse, driver and mediator. Could you please print a breakdown of what a stay-at-home wife should be paid? I would love to have a list so I can pass the "bill" on to him. -- VIVIAN IN COLONIAL BEACH, VA.
DEAR VIVIAN: According to the Census Bureau figures for 2004 -- which are the most recent -- there are 36.7 million mothers of minor children in the United States. About one-third of them, 10.8 million, are stay-at-home moms.
According to an article penned by Al Neuharth, the founder of USA Today, in its May 11, 2006, edition, "Salary.com compensation experts estimate that stay-at-home moms work an average of 91.6 hours a week." That's more than double the number of hours the average office worker puts in. He went on to say, "That should be worth $134,121 annually."
He quoted the compensation analysts as figuring the lowest-paying parts of a mother's job are "housekeeper, laundry machine operator and janitor. Higher-paying categories include computer operator, facilities manager, psychologist and CEO." With a 91.6-hour work week, 52 weeks a year, it works out to be $28.16 an hour.
It should go without saying that a mother's love is priceless, so tell that grandson of yours that $28.16 an hour is a real bargain.
DEAR ABBY: I am going through a divorce. It's not that I did not love my almost-ex, but that he was never someone I could depend on emotionally or financially. I'm writing to you because I have become very interested in someone who is dependable and caring, and over the past year I have found we have a lot in common. He is my kids' doctor.
I haven't dated anyone except my husband since I was 18, let alone talked to a guy. So I sent him a letter at his office, and am now having regrets that I did because of the fear of rejection. I must face him again in three weeks. The letter was written with only my e-mail address. I just don't know what to do! I really like this man, and I'm scared to death he'll be upset that I sent the letter. Please help. -- MOMMY IN INDIANA
DEAR MOMMY: The doctor won't be "upset." He will probably be complimented. He may, however, already be married, involved with someone, or gay -- so if your ardor isn't reciprocated, please do not feel personally rejected.
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday, a friend stayed over at my house. When it was time for her to leave, I went to put something in her bag and found a ton of MY stuff in there!
She made up a lame excuse that "someone else" must have put it in her bag. I knew she was lying, and I told her whoever put it there had better speak up and I wouldn't be mad if they confessed -- but she still denied it.
How do I confront her and still keep our friendship? -- CONFUSED IN GREAT FALLS, MONT.
DEAR CONFUSED: You have already "confronted" her, and it only led to more lies. Now it's time to recognize that the girl you thought was your friend is a person who may have some severe emotional problems. Under the circumstances, it's time to re-evaluate your relationship, because I'm not sure you should consider her a friend any longer.
P.S. And always keep a watchful eye on your "stuff" when she's in the vicinity!
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Nosy Grandma Pumps Grandson for Details of Mom's Love Life
DEAR ABBY: I am a 45-year-old single mom. My last romantic relationship ended more than a year and a half ago, after he cheated on me. I have not been out on any dates or anything, and I am a hard-working mom.
I recently met in person a guy I have been talking with for over a year. He has been here to visit, and my son, who is 14, told me that my mother -- his grandmother -- has asked him if this guy and I were sleeping together.
Can you please tell me how to handle this, as my son does not want me to let his grandmother know that he has told me this?
I have been very proud of myself for spending time alone for more than a year, getting to know myself and not settling for whatever comes along. I am appalled that my mother would, first of all, ask my 14-year-old son that question, and second, that she can't just for once be happy that I have someone in my life, even if the person is not up to her standards -- which never could be met in the first place. Please help me with this. -- UPSET IN DANVILLE, KY.
DEAR UPSET: I don't blame you for being upset. Your mother's question was out of line.
You and your mother are overdue for a face-to-face visit. While you're together, ask her if there are any questions she would like to ask you "woman to woman." I don't know whether she will have the nerve to ask you what she asked your son, but she should be made to understand that your son does not keep secrets from you -- and if she has any questions about your sex life in the future, they should be directed to you, and you alone.
DEAR ABBY: The granddaughter of a close friend of mine canceled her wedding plans, for justifiable reasons. No invitations had been sent, so there were no wedding gifts to return, as I know is proper.
About nine months ago, my friend had an elegant engagement celebration for her granddaughter and the then-fiance, and although it was just supposed to be a great party for all of us who love this girl and her grandmother, everyone gave gifts, either monetary ones or items from a bridal registry.
The guy made off with all the money and the gifts. There is no legal way the girl can get them, and yet her grandmother and, I guess, the girl herself feel that everything from that engagement celebration should be returned to us. So they are trying to do it themselves.
I, for one, told them to forget it, because there was a party and there was an engagement, but some of our mutual friends said that they should, in one way or another, repay those who gave. Is it necessary to return gifts, or is it just adding another financial burden to an already strapped girl -- as well as a lot more grief in trying to come up with replacements for things long gone? -- NO NAME, PLEASE
DEAR NO NAME: The "rule of thumb" is that gifts that have not been opened and/or used should be returned. However, because the gifts were, in essence, stolen from your friend's granddaughter, she is not obligated to replace them or the money.
This is a time for understanding on the part of your mutual "friends," not petty grousing. Rather than subjecting herself to this kind of stress, the granddaughter should thank her higher power that she didn't marry that scoundrel. (She dodged a real bullet!) Her time would be better spent getting over this trauma, rather than paying off the people who attended the party.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)