Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter from "Baby O.D." about the "proud daddy" who brings photos of his child to work weekly to show co-workers. I have a co-worker who does the same thing. She brings photos, stories, videotapes, you name it, of her children to work.
Usually the stories are mundane and go something like this: "My child made a heart-shaped paper at school today. She used her purple scissors and smiled at her teacher while doing it. She's right-handed, just like me. Last week, she made a star-shaped paper," and on and on.
I learned to smile politely and to excuse myself after 60 seconds. Others, feeling obligated, would stand and listen to her droning even though there was work to be done.
Co-workers who are not parents have confided that "diaper talks" between mothers are extremely disgusting to be subjected to during lunchtime. For the record, I'm a mother, but I save my "kid talk" for after work. If the subject arises during lunchtime, I make it short so others have a chance to talk, too. -- BEEN THERE IN OREGON
DEAR BEEN THERE: That's because you are someone with social sensitivity. This isn't a problem that happens only with new parents. Grandparents can also be guilty of it. Read on for a sample of the comments that letter generated because some of them are a hoot.
DEAR ABBY: The letter about the "proud daddy" brought to mind a wonderfully funny incident that occurred a number of years ago on a trip through central Asia. We had a grandmother on the trip who, at the slightest inducement, would whip out a veritable Jacob's ladder of her grandchildren's photos and show them to anyone who could not get out of the way in time.
One evening, while relaxing after a terrific meal in northern India, the grandmother turned to Bob, an older bachelor seated next to me, and said, "Bob, have I ever showed you photos of my grandchildren?" "No," Bob replied, "you have not. And thank you so much!" -- STILL LAUGHING IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR ABBY: We solved this issue in our office by converting one whole bulletin board into a "Sharing Board" for moms, dads, grannies, aunties, etc. We can all look at it at our leisure (or not), and the pictures can be displayed for a longer period of time as well. Maybe "O.D." could start up a board in their office. We all like to "show off" our treasures! -- HAPPY GRANNY IN CINCINNATI
DEAR ABBY: My co-worker and I had the same problem. He talked about his dogs too much; I talked about my kid too much. It took a while, but now when I go overboard, he starts talking about his dogs, and vice versa. After a few minutes, we just change the subject. It's not confrontational -- and it works! -- PROUD MOM, NAPA, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: Recent research has identified the unique contribution of fathers in the development and success of young children. Mothers often receive support for parenting, but fathers are often left out of the picture. Teachers often phone a child's home and, if the father answers, the teacher will ask for the mother.
When fathers are present, the child benefits from an increased sense of playfulness, improved communication skills, higher self-esteem (especially in girls), higher academic achievement and higher financial security. I say hats off to fathers who are so involved that they proudly display pictures of their children. -- JANET D., HUNTINGTON, W.VA.
Couple Bows Out of Birthday Party After Row Over Gag Gifts
DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago, my partner and I received an invitation to a friend's 50th birthday party. The invitation stated, "No gag gifts."
A few hours before the party, my partner came home with a bag full of gag gifts, including Preparation H, Depends, etc. That's when the argument started. I told him I would not go to the party if he brought those gifts. I feel they are insulting, and those kinds of gifts are not funny anymore -- especially when the invitation specifies no gag gifts. I have seen those kinds of gifts a hundred times.
As a result, we did not attend the party. How do you feel about gag gifts? Who's right and who's wrong? -- TOO SENSITIVE IN RENO
DEAR TOO SENSITIVE: While I do not condone mentioning gifts -- gag gifts or otherwise -- on an invitation, the host, and presumably the honoree, had made their wishes known. You are not "too sensitive"; you were socially appropriate. For your partner to have ignored the invitation would have been rude and insensitive.
I have nothing against gag gifts if they are original, funny and tasteful. Frankly, I think in this case, by not attending, you spared yourself embarrassment and did the honoree a favor.
DEAR ABBY: My grandmother is 88 and in good health. She has lived with my dad's sister ("Aunt Joy") and her family since Grandpa died nine years ago.
Grandma doesn't have a mother-in-law suite or anything like that -- just her own bedroom and bath -- but she pays them between $600 and $700 in rent every month.
Furthermore, Aunt Joy charges Grandma a percentage of everything they do to improve the house. Aunt Joy had granite countertops put in; Grandma paid $1,200 for the use of them. They also had a fence installed and charged Grandma 25 percent of the cost.
I think my aunt is very materialistic. She uses Grandma and her money to get what she wants. Grandma isn't rich, but she has enough to live on her own if she wanted to.
It's also interesting that their daughter, who is 27, lives with them and pays no rent at all. Why should my grandma have to pay so much and my cousin nothing?
My parents would love for Grandma to come and live here in our guestroom for free, but we live 1,200 miles away. Dad doesn't want to create a rift in the family, but shouldn't he draw the line somewhere?
My aunt and uncle call themselves Christians, but taking advantage of an elderly woman doesn't seem very Christian to me. How should something like this be dealt with? How should Dad handle it? -- PERTURBED IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR PERTURBED: I don't know what kind of conversations are going on in your house about Grandma, but they are not something you should be involved with. If your father feels his mother is being taken advantage of, he should talk to her about it and tell her -- if he hasn't already -- that he and your mother would love to have her live with you rent-free. After that, the decision about where she wants to live and how she wants to conduct her life should be up to her.
As it stands, Grandma seems to have chosen to live with her daughter and agreed to the terms. Some mothers feel closer to their daughters than to their sons. It's a girl thing.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am concerned about the number of teens who write to you about whether or not to have sex. I am a mother of four, and I'm only 22. My first child was born when I was 14. Only two of my biological children live with me, and I have taken my stepdaughter in as my own.
Teens everywhere should be educated about sex and the consequences of having sex at a young age. Many parents still do not have "the talk" with their children -- leaving it up to the educational system, which is inadequate in this area.
I would like to urge teen parents to volunteer at local schools to educate these teens about what "might" happen. I see more and more teens every day heading down the road I went down, and it scares me.
I was lucky that I now have the chance to further my education and provide a stable life for my children, which, I might add, did not happen until I was already the mother of two and 18 years old. I had to give one child up for adoption, and it was heart-wrenching. To teens out there, PLEASE do not be like me. You might not be as lucky as I was. -- WISER NOW IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR WISER NOW: Thank you for wanting to warn other teens not to venture down the same path that you did. You are right: You are lucky you have a chance to further your education and provide a stable life for your children, because most teenage mothers are not so fortunate. Sadly, only one-third of teen mothers receive a high school diploma, and only 1.5 percent have a college degree by the time they reach 30. (Nearly 80 percent of unmarried teen mothers end up on welfare.)
Although teenage pregnancy, birth and abortion rates in the United States have declined over the last decade, our country continues to have a higher rate of teenage pregnancy than most other developed countries. (It's nearly twice the rate as in Australia or Canada -- and more than four times higher than the rate in France.)
Although we all wish that teens would remain abstinent until marriage, the fact remains that many don't. And those young people need accurate information about how to prevent unplanned pregnancies and avoid sexually transmitted diseases. Parents who leave sex education up to the schools should be aware that since 1996, the federal government has poured $1 billion into abstinence-only sex education programs that do not include complete information on birth control methods or even sexually transmitted diseases.
I have always believed that what people don't know CAN hurt them, and that anyone old enough to ask deserves straight answers to their questions. And that is why I offer a booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know," to answer some of the questions that many teens are afraid to ask their parents regarding sex, STDs, drinking and drugs. Many parents and grandparents have given the booklet to their teenagers or used it to foster discussion.
It can be ordered by sending a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Postage is included in the price.