Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sons Come in Distant Second to Dog in Parents' Affection
DEAR ABBY: You advised the 16-year-old girl who said she had been "replaced" by her mother's dogs that you could guarantee that her mom loved her and her brother more than the dogs. Don't be so sure! When I first met my husband, one of the first things he told me was that the only family member that received any attention from his parents was their dog. I laughed, thinking it was funny, but it proved to be true.
This was an extremely dysfunctional family. Both parents ignored my husband and his brother and fawned over the dog. They took the dog for walks, special ice cream treats every week and rides in the car. They didn't even bother to attend my husband's college graduation. Over the years, we'd receive detailed letters about the dog's activities, but never once did they call to wish my husband "happy birthday." Both brothers needed years of psychotherapy.
After 33 years of marriage, my mother-in-law was finally widowed. After meeting the "love of her life," she confessed she had never loved her husband, never wanted kids and neither had he, and announced to her sons she would "no longer require them"!
Millions of people own dogs, and their children don't feel unloved and want to sit and cry. This young girl senses her mother doesn't care for her. We had a dog, and I KNEW my mom loved us more because she told us every night and spent time with us. This mom must not be doing that. -- WIFE IN SEATTLE
DEAR WIFE: Thank you for the wake-up call. I have to confess that I was surprised by some of the feedback I received regarding that letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Pets don't talk back, refuse to be helpful or ask for money. All they want is love and food. They don't ask where you've been and they're always happy when you come home. Their love is unconditional. -- PET LADY IN FLORIDA
DEAR ABBY: When my son started getting older, suddenly his mom became either invisible or an embarrassment to him. I heard from others what a charming young man he had become -- so nice and friendly -- but you'd never know it when he came home. I barely heard the sound of his voice unless he wanted me to iron a shirt for him, or he needed gas money. Then he would suddenly become very nice!
Maybe Mom is using the dogs to soothe the hurt of not being allowed into her children's lives. Maybe the dogs provide objects on which to focus the love that she desperately wants to shower on her children, but is unable to because that love is rebuffed. Obviously, the dogs fill some kind of void. -- MOM WHO'S BEEN THERE
DEAR ABBY: Besides owning three Labs, I am a volunteer parent for Labrador rescue here in Florida. One puppy is a lot of work; two are practically a full-time job. If only "Replaced by Dogs" would pitch in, help with training, walking, bathing, feeding and playing with the puppies, it would give her mom extra time to spend with her and her brother. She would also be spending quality time with her mom. -- LAB LOVER IN FLORIDA
DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, my boss was called into the school counselor's office because her daughter had complained that her mother showed more love and attention to the dogs than to her. "Shelly" promised to shower both her children with the same love she showed her dogs. Needless to say, it lasted only two days before the children were tired of being hugged, kissed, and told "I love you" all day long! -- PATRICIA IN CUMMINGS, GA.
High School Hunk Loses His Looks but Gains Consideration
DEAR ABBY: When I was 16 I fell in love with the handsomest man I had ever seen. I'll call him "Todd." Apparently everyone else thought so, too. Todd loved the women and they loved him, and our relationship ended.
After many years we were reunited. We have been together for three years now. Todd has changed a lot since high school. His personality is every woman's dream now. He is thoughtful, considerate, and tells me he loves me every day. He has apologized repeatedly for his past.
The problem is, he's no longer as attractive as he used to be. Over the years he has neglected his body, teeth, skin and hair. He is a diesel mechanic, and his hands and fingernails are embedded with grease. We no longer look like we belong together, and I'm embarrassed to introduce him to friends. (They chuckle under their breath when they see him.)
My friends and I like to go to fancy places, and even when Todd is dressed up, he doesn't look right. Forgive me if this seems shallow. I have kept my youthful looks. I still wear a size 8, and no one can believe I have three grandchildren.
How do I deal with this? I love Todd. I love being with him and talking to him. But I can't seem to overcome these feelings. -- CONFUSED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR CONFUSED: Alcoholics Anonymous has something called the "Serenity Prayer." Commit it to memory, and use it as the need arises, because it can be a helpful tool for living:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." (Italics are mine.)
If you really love Todd, it is within your power to "encourage" him to exercise and eat healthfully, to see a dentist and a barber regularly, and groom himself more carefully. If you love Todd, you will tell your friends that you do -- and if you still feel they look down on this thoughtful, considerate and affectionate man, you will cultivate friends who are more accepting.
DEAR ABBY: "Rita" and I first became close in junior high. We are both in our mid-20s and currently live about two hours apart. We spent many hours together as teens. However, her demanding nature did always grate on me.
One year, when we were living on opposite coasts, I sent Rita an expensive birthday gift and card, but forgot to call her until the next day. Instead of thanking me, she pouted and accused me of "not valuing our friendship."
A few months ago, Rita sent me an angry e-mail because I had made plans with my boyfriend for two nights during her week-long stay in my town. (She was here for the wedding of a couple I do not know.) I wrote her back, explaining that I love her, but I am now a busy woman and don't have time for her childish behavior. I told her she expects a degree of attention that I cannot give her. We haven't spoken since.
Recently Rita e-mailed me and invited me to lunch. I have not responded. I simply have no desire to see her, as I have not enjoyed our relationship for years. Do I owe Rita anything besides wishing her the best? Should I see her? -- FEELING GUILTY IN PALO ALTO
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Because you have no desire to see her, politely refuse the invitation. Friendship is supposed to be mutual, and you are in no way obligated to continue this one. Sometimes people simply grow apart, and this appears to be the case with you and Rita.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Husband Trolling the Internet Should Be Cast Out by Wife
DEAR ABBY: My husband of three years, "Earl," is an ordained Baptist minister. He will turn 60 this year. He's a diabetic who lives in a fantasy world. We have never slept together; we sleep in separate bedrooms.
Earl is good-looking and women love him. He flirts with waitresses and leaves them big tips from the money I work hard for. He has his own Web site and often comes across singers who want him to promote their music. He has had several love affairs over the Internet.
On our first anniversary, I found out he didn't tell a certain soprano he was married, and she had fallen in love with him. She hit the C above high C when I called to let her know WE had received her sexy pictures. She said Earl had asked her to marry him.
The most recent singer started calling him "Honey" and "Darling," and he was calling her "Sweetheart." She knew he was married. I don't know what lies he told her to make her believe he's available.
I would kick him out and divorce him, but he would die. I have to take care of Earl because his diabetes is so bad he can't walk. I am a nurse. I work away from home 14 days out of the month, 24-hour shifts. I love him, and it breaks my heart when he calls other women "Sweetheart." How can I break him of having these e-mail lovers?
Everything we own was mine before we married. All he had was an old pickup truck and his music. Why can't he appreciate me instead of using me? He says what does it hurt for him to have these affairs? He'll never meet them.
Please tell me what to do. He's committing fraud. And please warn Christian women not to believe every Christian man they meet on the Internet. Tell them to protect their hearts. -- MAXINE FROM TEXAS
DEAR MAXINE: You should heed your own advice, because it appears you and your husband are BOTH living in a fantasy world. He's no Christian, and he should not be operating under the mantle of any church. This man is using you because you allow it. He doesn't appreciate you because he has not, for one moment, thought beyond his own desires -- not with you or any of the women he has led on.
I can't change him and neither can you. You can, however, stop allowing him to take advantage of you. My advice is to get him out of your house and out of your life. If he can survive without you for 14 days out of the month, he won't die. He will find another gullible, good-hearted person to take over where you have left off.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: The FDA has asked me to remind you that pet turtles may be harmful to your children's health. Small turtles are a source of a disease called "salmonellosis" in humans. It's caused by salmonella bacteria, which occur naturally in turtles.
Symptoms may include diarrhea, stomach pain, nausea, vomiting, fever and headache. Symptoms usually begin six to 72 hours after exposure, and generally last two to seven days.
Anyone can get salmonella infection, but the risk is highest in infants and young children, the elderly, and people with lowered natural resistance to disease due to pregnancy, cancer, chemotherapy, organ transplants, diabetes and liver problems.
Readers, if you or your children come into contact with, or handle turtles, be sure to wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water. Sales of turtles with shells less than 4 inches in length have been banned in the United States since 1975 because of the public health impact of turtle-associated salmonellosis.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)