What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Stories May Bear Repeating to Make the Point Sink In
DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Pete and Repeat in Ohio" whose in-laws constantly repeat themselves. My mother-in-law does the same thing. She's 61 and has done it for at least 10 years. I do not believe it's a sign of early dementia, but it drives me crazy.
I think the reason is she cannot stand silence. If there is a pause in the conversation, she is compelled to fill it with endless drivel about herself or family that's been told 100 times before.
Because she doesn't seem to notice or care if the person she is with is an active listener, I have finally learned to turn a deaf ear, say "uh-huh" at the appropriate times and focus on her better qualities, as my husband and father-in-law have done for years. -- NO LONGER LISTENING IN COLORADO
DEAR NO LONGER LISTENING: That letter brought some thought-provoking feedback. Not everyone agreed with me that the woman's problem could be early dementia. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have another thought. Perhaps the in-laws were trying to elicit an acknowledgment of what they were saying, so they kept saying it, thinking it wasn't sinking in. I find myself doing the same thing when it appears my daughter isn't listening or hasn't reacted to something I have said -- particularly if it's something important to me. -- ANNIE IN ORTONVILLE, MICH.
DEAR ABBY: I'm only in my 30s, and I sometimes have the habit of repeating myself. I do it when I feel the person I am speaking to is blowing me off, patronizing me, misunderstanding me or not acknowledging me.
"Pete and Repeat" should try the following before sending the older folks to a doctor or deciding they have dementia: When Mom and Pop repeat themselves, look them straight in the eye, and gently and sincerely acknowledge the message. Example: Say, "Mom, thank you for telling us about the surprise! You always plan such great gifts, we can't wait to see what it is." They should teach their children to do the same.
"Pete and Repeat" may think they are acknowledging their parents by telling them they already heard them eight times, but my guess is the parents are looking for a more positive form of affirmation. -- LAURIE IN LARAMIE, WYO.
DEAR ABBY: My husband's mother was a wonderful mother-in-law, but she also told the same stories over and over. Finally, I started charging my husband a dollar for every time I had to listen to a story I already knew. This way I was more than polite to his mother -- I was enthusiastic when she repeated herself, and I silently counted up my winnings. Maybe "Pete and Repeat" could promise their kids a quarter for every time the grandparents repeat themselves. I promise you, everybody's attitude will change for the better. -- MISSING MY M-I-L IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Pete and Repeat" was right on. My mother-in-law started repeating herself more than 15 years ago, at the young age of 61. Her children wrote it off as "old age," but her daughters-in-law saw it as an early sign of dementia. Unfortunately, we were right.
I hope "Pete and Repeat" won't put off encouraging her parents to visit their doctor. Medications can slow the onset of Alzheimer's disease. The sooner they know what's going on, the better they all can prepare for the future. -- LISA IN BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MICH.
Best Friend's Kinky Husband Sets Off Woman's Alarm Bells
DEAR ABBY: Over the last three years, my best friend of 15 years, "Hazel," has engaged in some disturbing Internet dating behavior. Several months ago, she answered a classified ad on the Internet in which a man was looking for women who enjoy "domestic discipline." (In other words, "spanking.") Not only did Hazel go to meet this man in person, but she married him after knowing him for only three weeks!
When I met him in person, every alarm God ever gave me as a woman went off at once. He was very aggressive and began making inappropriate comments in front of me about spanking her after knowing me for less than 10 minutes.
Hazel keeps pressing for us to "get to know him," but every time I think about it I feel ill. My husband and I are conservative people. We would never associate with someone we knew openly practiced deviant behavior.
However, I am concerned for my friend. I'm afraid he may abuse her. I don't want to associate with him, but I don't want to lose Hazel. Can this relationship be salvaged? -- SHOCKED IN TEMPE, ARIZ.
DEAR SHOCKED: Yes, but it won't be a foursome. It'll be "just the girls" when you can both spare the time -- and I have a hunch he may be keeping your friend pretty busy. You don't have to approve of her lifestyle to make it very clear to her that you are only a phone call away if she needs you -- and that's what I recommend you do.
DEAR ABBY: My heart is aching. How should I tactfully suggest to my husband that we need marriage counseling? I don't want to provoke an argument about it, which I am afraid will happen.
We have just grown so far apart, and it's only been eight years. Everything is so negative, and I'm afraid I don't even like him anymore. I think we would be OK if we could get help. But I don't know where to start. -- FEELING ALONE IN WESTERVILLE, OHIO
DEAR FEELING ALONE: Tell your husband that you are concerned because HE doesn't seem to be happy. Tell him that you feel you have grown apart, but do not understand what has gone wrong. Tell him that you long for the relationship you had when you were first married, and that you would like for the two of you to get some marriage counseling.
If that provokes an argument, stay calm and explain that you aren't being accusatory or saying it to upset him -- just trying to bring the two of you closer again. If he refuses to go, then go without him. Counseling will help you decide the next step to take.
DEAR ABBY: Thirty years ago, as a Christmas gift, a friend gave me an oil painting that had been painted by her mother. I was recently told that my cancer is terminal, so I have begun "housecleaning."
Would it be all right for me to return the painting to my friend with a note expressing my delight in having once owned it? No one in my family has a desire to keep the painting. -- PREPARING TO GO IN DENVER
DEAR PREPARING TO GO: I am sorry that your prognosis is not what we would have wished. By all means, return the painting to your friend. It may have sentimental value to her -- not only because the painting was created by her mother, but also because it belonged to you. When you do, write her a note and tell her that the painting has brought you a lifetime of happiness, and you only wish you could have enjoyed it longer.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Cuts Ties to Abusive Past by Changing Her Name
DEAR ABBY: "Confused in South Carolina" wrote you regarding changing her name from her abusive stepfather's back to her biological father's. That letter could have been written by me. I did change my name for the same reasons she wants to.
I, too, was adopted at age 4 and abused throughout my adolescence by my stepfather. Changing my name didn't erase the painful memories, but it did end the association made by others to the monster who adopted me. The process wasn't expensive or burdensome. After I married, I kept my father's name and hyphenated it with my husband's. I am proud of my father's name and maintain it to this day. -- DALEVILLE, IND., READER
DEAR READER: Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I heard from quite a few people who said that by reclaiming their true identity, they felt empowered. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I say yes, she should do it. As a survivor of incest, I made the decision to legally fix something that had bothered me for a long time. It was easy and inexpensive, and I did it without an attorney. It felt good to take control. It was a freeing experience. And I'm sure the writer of that letter will agree. -- K.C., AKRON, OHIO
DEAR ABBY: I was also abused by my stepfather. Because I was only 4 when my mom met and married him, I was saddled with his name, though not formally adopted. When I was 13, my mom asked how I'd like for him to adopt me. I said, "Hell, no!" She said she understood, and not only told him he couldn't adopt me, but said I would no longer use his name. (I asked if it could be changed.)
My name was changed to her maiden name, and I can honestly say it has made all the difference in the world to me not to have been stuck with a name that would have brought back many horrible images and memories. -- MICHELLE IN HASTINGS, NEB.
DEAR ABBY: If the writer's identity was modified or completely changed by court decree, it would be advisable to seek another court decree in resuming his or her hereditary surname, which can be the surname of either biological parent. It would be less troublesome, though, to resume the surname that appears on the official birth certificate.
If the decree is approved and duly ordered, a certified copy should be sent to the state registrar having custody of the official certificate of birth. The IRS will also need to be notified, ditto for credit card issuers (if applicable). Any lawyer who charges more than $300 would not be my first choice. It pays to shop around, even in the matter of lawyer fees. -- GOOD SAMARITAN, TUPELO, MISS.
DEAR ABBY: My mother was adopted by an abuser and carried his name for 40 years. When she did, finally, take the steps to have his name officially removed from her birth certificate, she found he would have to sign the documents waiving his rights to her. She was apprehensive about any contact with this man and worried he might refuse.
Luckily, her attorney was able to serve papers without them having to speak. And to move things quickly along, he informed her stepfather that if he didn't sign, my mother would have the rights to an inheritance from him. Needless to say, he signed immediately, and my mother has never looked so relieved as the day she had her birth father's name placed back on her birth certificate. -- M.W., RICHLAND, WASH.
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