Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Today I witnessed what may be the end of a marriage, and it was because of a professional health care worker's unwise remark.
My wife was having a colonoscopy, and there was one large recovery room where patients coming out of anesthesia were grouped. (There were curtains separating the patients.)
While I was waiting for my wife to awaken, I overheard a nurse talking to the wife of the patient next to us. She said, "You know, you can find out anything from them when they're coming out of anesthesia. They are completely incapable of lying." She said it in a lighthearted way -- sort of giggling.
A few minutes later, I heard the wife ask in a hushed voice, "Bart, have you ever cheated on me?"
"Yes," he moaned, "with Mary Helen."
I heard the wife choke back a sob and she ran from the room. It was another 45 minutes before my wife was ready to leave, and the woman did not return during that time.
Abby, I think it was ridiculous for that nurse to pass on the information that prompted this scene. Should I let the doctor know about his nurse's unwise comment? -- MIKE IN TUCSON, ARIZ.
DEAR MIKE: Absolutely! People have been known to babble all sorts of nonsense when coming out of anesthesia. Of course, a wife who would have to stoop to such behavior already has her suspicions, or she wouldn't feel the need to ask. But you have described a man who was not only not responsible for what came out of his mouth, but also probably has no memory of it thanks to the new, improved anesthetics being used today. The doctor needs to counsel his nurse for her poor judgment.
DEAR ABBY: I have a huge problem. I met my husband when I was 13. We married at 21. From day one, he knew I did not ever want kids. He figured I would change my mind, and one day I would have one. Well, I'm 25 now, and I still don't want kids. I will not change my mind.
He has now given me an ultimatum. Either I get pregnant within two years or he wants a divorce. I love my husband, and I'd do anything for him -- but I do not want kids! Should we just divorce now and get it over with, or should I stick it out for two years hoping he won't leave me? -- DON'T CALL ME MOMMY, SLIDELL, LA.
DEAR DON'T CALL: You might as well separate now, because if your husband wants children, he has the right to have them. He just picked the wrong girl to marry.
Your letter is a perfect example of why premarital counseling is so important for couples before they marry -- to make certain both parties are "on the same page" about what they expect from the marriage and each other.
DEAR ABBY: Our son and his fiancee chose to elope to Hawaii for their wedding, opting out of a traditional wedding and reception. Now we are told they have registered at several stores.
Is it appropriate to expect friends and relatives to send gifts to a couple that has eloped? -- CURIOUS IN CINCINNATI
DEAR CURIOUS: No, it is not "appropriate." It is customary to give a wedding gift if someone attends the celebration. Otherwise, a gift is not required. And for them to "expect" gifts under these circumstances seems nervy to me.
Law Enforcement Worker Uses Connection to Track Down Man
DEAR ABBY: I recently got a phone call from a woman I hadn't heard from in 30 years. "Vivian" and I once had a short fling. We had a long talk, catching up, and she said she had gotten my number from my sister, who lives out of state.
I was surprised not only to hear from Vivian, but also that she lives only 25 miles away. She mentioned that when she moved south 19 years ago, she worked in a law enforcement office. When I spoke with my sister, she said that when Vivian contacted her, Vivian told her she had always loved me and was going to marry me.
All of a sudden, I began getting letters from her -- but I never gave her my address. In every letter she would pour her heart out to me, but never included her return address. She would call me, sometimes three times a day. I didn't answer because she was coming on too strong. Every message Vivian left was full of emotion, sometimes sobbing, telling me how much she loves me and wants to be with me.
A few nights ago, she showed up at my door, demanding to know why I was "avoiding her." I didn't invite her in. We sat on my front porch, and I had a long talk with her. I explained that a lot has changed in both our lives; I had come out as gay and was just out of a 10-year relationship. I said I was feeling depressed and confused, and didn't want to get into a relationship with anyone -- male or female -- at this time. My being gay didn't faze her. She seemed to think she could change me instantly.
As our conversation progressed, she admitted that she had gone back to the law enforcement office and some of the old employees had done a search on me. They told her where I was living and gave her directions on how to get to my home, information on how many vehicles I own and the license numbers, and who knows what else.
I feel violated. I feel Vivian has crossed a very fine line. I feel I'm being stalked, and it's giving me nightmares. Was what she did legal, and how should I handle this? -- VIOLATED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR VIOLATED: It should be apparent by now that your old "fling" has mental problems. Her behavior could, indeed, be considered stalking. If you still have the letters and recordings of her messages, give them to your legal counsel with the explanation that she located you through information given to her by a law enforcement agency where she used to work. The law enforcement agency that got you into this mess should get you out of it. You should document every incident of harassment, and while you're at it, consult your physician about the nightmares and stress you've been subjected to. Your attorney should have all of this information at his or her disposal.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to resolve something between me and my boyfriend. I bought him three yellow roses, and he was insulted! He says yellow roses mean only friendship. My grandmother says three roses mean love. I think ANY rose says I love you.
Is red the only color rose that means I love you? -- HURT IN LOUISIANA
DEAR HURT: Although traditionally red roses symbolize love and yellow roses symbolize friendship, my mother's favorite color of rose is yellow, and that is what she receives from my father on every special occasion.
Your boyfriend's reaction was extremely ungracious. He should have thanked you for the roses in the spirit in which they were given. Please give him a message for me: When someone reacts that way to a gift, it reduces his chances of getting any more.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
High School Abuse Victim Is Afraid to Revisit the Past
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my 30s. When I was in high school, a male teacher sexually abused me. After my parents and I went to the authorities about it, it became widely known. The teacher resigned, and the case was dismissed. However, like many high school students are, my peers were cruel and insisted it was my fault. Many of them seemed to think I had brought it on myself.
I have since received several years of therapy. I have moved on with my life, and I'm happy. I am being married in the fall, and I'm now a teacher myself, dedicated to protecting my students.
My high school reunion is coming up, and I'd like to go. I've lost track of several friends from high school, and I'd like to see "where everyone is at" in their lives.
My problem is I'm afraid to see the cruel people who made my life so difficult back then. I'm afraid they will bring up the subject. I want to forget about it and continue moving on with my life. What do you think I should do? -- FRIGHTENED BUT CURIOUS IN ILLINOIS
DEAR FRIGHTENED BUT CURIOUS: It's important that you remember that you are no longer the inexperienced young woman who was victimized by that sexual predator. Contact the reunion committee and inquire if the former classmates you want to see plan to attend. (If they don't, you may not want to go.) If they do, then go to the reunion, reconnect and have a good time. And if any of the others are so insensitive as to raise the subject of your abuse, inform them that it took years for you to get over the damage that teacher did, and the trauma they perpetuated because of their cruel and ignorant gossip. Say you don't care to discuss it, then change the subject.
DEAR ABBY: Can you please settle our question about what is proper attire for church? Are short shorts, tube tops and flip-flops suitable for a house of worship? -- DISMAYED IN MARYSVILLE, MICH.
DEAR DISMAYED: I was raised that a person should dress "respectfully" in the house of the Lord. That means fully shod and covered up enough so that it doesn't distract the other worshippers. However, dress codes have been greatly relaxed in recent decades. Each congregation has its own standards and, in the final analysis, it is up to the clergyperson and governing body to decide what is or is not appropriate.
DEAR READERS: A group of distinguished geriatric psychiatrists is interested in learning about the experiences of seniors in getting help for mental and emotional problems. (Geriatric psychiatrists are doctors who specialize in older patients.) They would welcome information such as how older people feel about mental health problems, where you seek help for them, what you feel needs to be done to improve services, and whether you'd like more mental health services than you are getting now.
If you care to share this information, please direct your letters to: Dr. Gene Cohen, Center on Aging, Health and Humanities, 10225 Montgomery Ave., Kensington, MD 20895, or e-mail: � HYPERLINK "mailto:dcagingcenter@aol.com" ��dcagingcenter@aol.com�. (Dr. Cohen is director of the center.)
P.S. If you would like to "vent," they're ready to hear it.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)