What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Workers Suffer Overexposure to Proud Dad's Baby Photos
DEAR ABBY: Most of us appreciate the joy of a new parent showing off snapshots for the first few months of a child's life. But enough, already!
My co-worker's first child will be 1 year old next week. Every single week he walks around the office, fresh pictures in hand, stopping at desks up and down the room.
We understand his pride, but our forced grins are getting old. Can you, maybe, send a message to new parents out there to let it rest after the first few months? How about posting a Web site that people can visit at their leisure? I don't want to be cruel, but I don't want to be trapped into dutifully "oooing" and "aaahhing," either. Help! -- BABY O.D. IN LONG BEACH
DEAR BABY O.D.: I'm sure many readers will sympathize, truly sympathize, with your plight. The weekly "show and tell" can be hard to take after a while. That's why you and your co-workers should suggest to the proud papa that he start assembling a photo album that will eventually become a treasured family keepsake in years to come. Assure him that you'd be glad to review it -- quarterly. Or, in self-defense, parents and pet owners could begin flashing pictures of their own little ones for him to admire every time he comes by with his new batch of snapshots. (After a while, he'd get the message.)
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are both retired. We have been married less than a year.
When we were selling our individual dwellings and jointly purchasing one together, we discussed at length what we would use in furnishing the new residence. We mutually decided that most of my furniture and accessories were in better shape than those coming from his 12 years living as a widower in a furnished condo. He assured me that nothing he possessed had sentimental value. There were, however, many personal items belonging to his deceased wife.
He consulted me about each item -- should this be sold at a yard sale? Should that be given to charity? What about her hobby things? I tried to be fair in my assessment of their possible use in our new life together. The old Remington typewriter was sold to an antique dealer. The lace-making materials were given to the local recreation center.
Now, every time we get into an argument, he "reminds" me that there is very little in this house that is his. Then he goes on to say I "made" him dispose of things that meant a lot to him. What recourse do I have in silencing these unfair and untrue statements that serve only to inflame and cause smoldering resentment? -- GALLED IN GOODYEAR, ARIZ.
DEAR GALLED: Look at your husband and say: "I thought the decision to get rid of those things was mutual. I'm sorry you are sorry. If you're having regrets, consider this: You gave up those 'things,' but now you have ME -- and I love you."
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "It has been said that man is the only animal who laughs, the only one who weeps, the only one who prays, the only one who walks fully erect, the only one who makes fires, the only one who can invent, the only one with a written language, the only one who is proud, the only one who can make progress, the only one who guides his own destiny, the only one who is penitent, and the only one who needs to be." -- DAVID ELTON TRUEBLOOD
Woman Is Angry to Be Left Out of Party Planning Loop
DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law, "Dale," was planning a surprise 40th birthday party for my sister, "Linda." I found out about the party one week before it happened. Dale made a point of telling everyone he invited not to tell me about it because he knew I would tell Linda and spoil the surprise. My husband was also in on it and said nothing about it until the week before the party.
Linda is my sister, and I know how much this party meant to Dale and the surprise was also important. However, I cannot forgive my brother-in-law for going out of his way to tell people not to tell me. In the end, I heard nonstop comments about it, and wasn't even involved in the planning of my only sister's big party.
When Linda found out, she was also upset with Dale. I no longer speak to him. I'm still angry at being excluded from the planning and the fact that he made it a point to tell everyone why. All of us have problems keeping some secrets, but a secret like a surprise party could have been kept from my sister. This whole issue is causing tension between Linda and me, and Dale has made no effort in reconciling this issue. Am I wrong in feeling this way toward Dale? Should I continue to dislike him about it? -- FURIOUS IN NEW YORK
DEAR FURIOUS: You stated clearly that you have a reputation for not keeping secrets. It was important to your brother-in-law that the party be a surprise. I think he acted prudently in keeping you out of the loop as long as he could. If you are looking for someone to blame, look in the mirror.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Elmo," hid money from me for more than a year. When we did our taxes this year, $11,000 of what he earned was unaccounted for. He said he kept it for his "security," and he doesn't think he did anything wrong or that he lied or deceived me. He said the money was his to do with as he wished, without my knowledge or consent.
Abby, during our eight years of marriage, I have never hidden any money from Elmo. At times I have supported both of us because of his frequent illnesses, or the fact that he was out of a job, or simply didn't earn a decent salary. There is more to our problems, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I feel I have been deceived and lied to, and we have separated over it. For my peace of mind, shouldn't he have to acknowledge what he did -- or am I overreacting? We have been to marriage counseling several times, and this is our second separation. I need a third-party opinion. -- ELMO'S WIFE IN ARIZONA
DEAR ELMO'S WIFE: It has been my experience that people who are secretive usually have something to hide. Most couples who pool their money give themselves some kind of "allowance" to do with as they wish, and do not have to account to each other for every penny. Because your husband deliberately kept the information from you, I have to agree that his actions were deceptive. But getting him to admit that fact may be more trouble than it's worth. So please accept that "You're right," the words you are longing to hear your husband say, may never pass his lips.
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Son Is Now Asking Questions About Dad Who Disappeared
DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of a wonderful 7-year-old boy I'll call Jeremy. Jeremy's father, "Darren," has not been involved in his life since Jeremy was 15 months old. Although Darren provides financial support, he has not been there emotionally for Jeremy in 5 1/2 years. Jeremy doesn't even remember him.
My son is now at the age where he is beginning to question where his father is and why he isn't around. Darren chose to step out of his son's life with no explanation other than he didn't want to be involved with him. (I had already moved on.)
I have not remarried, and I have not introduced Jeremy to any man I have dated. What is the best way to let my son know all he needs to know about why his dad isn't around without hurting his feelings, or making him feel unloved? "I don't know where he is" just isn't working anymore. Jeremy wants to know details. Help! -- LOVING MOTHER IN TENNESSEE
DEAR LOVING MOTHER: Explain to Jeremy that his father's absence has nothing to do with him. Tell your son that some men are good at being parents, while others never learn -- and his father is one of those. As Jeremy matures, you can fill in more of the details. But it's important that your son understand that the problem was never that he was unlovable -- but rather that his father never learned how to love.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter and son-in-law were married on the beach in a beautiful setting in Mexico last March. Several of our family and friends were in attendance.
The other day, I asked my daughter why she hadn't changed her name to her new married name, as she has said she will be using her husband's name. She explained that although they were married in Mexico, their marriage certificate is valid only in Mexico, and she'll have to wait for her translated certificate in order to change her identification here.
The kids forwarded all their information two months prior to being married, had blood tests in Mexico (a requirement), and paid for a wedding. Since they have a Mexican certificate stating they are married, why does she have to wait to receive another type of document? My question: Are they married or not married here? -- BEFUDDLED IN BUCKINGHAM, PA.
DEAR BEFUDDLED: According to the Los Angeles County Registrar/Recorder's office, your daughter and son-in-law's Mexican marriage is recognized anywhere. If she wants to use her husband's name, all she has to do is notify the Department of Motor Vehicles, credit card companies, etc. of the name change.
DEAR ABBY: When we go out to dinner with another couple, what is the proper way to handle the bill? My husband and I are frequently invited to join other couples at a restaurant for dinner.
We always assume the bill will be split among the couples. If we ask another couple out, are we required to pay the tab?
Last weekend, we invited "John and Mary" to dinner and we were stuck with a $250 bill. They never mentioned the bill, nor the $50 tip we left. -- JEN IN TOWNSEND, DEL.
DEAR JEN: Couples usually discuss this before the meal or when the check arrives. Because John and Mary said nothing, you or your husband should have suggested splitting the check.
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