DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Elmo," hid money from me for more than a year. When we did our taxes this year, $11,000 of what he earned was unaccounted for. He said he kept it for his "security," and he doesn't think he did anything wrong or that he lied or deceived me. He said the money was his to do with as he wished, without my knowledge or consent.
Abby, during our eight years of marriage, I have never hidden any money from Elmo. At times I have supported both of us because of his frequent illnesses, or the fact that he was out of a job, or simply didn't earn a decent salary. There is more to our problems, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I feel I have been deceived and lied to, and we have separated over it. For my peace of mind, shouldn't he have to acknowledge what he did -- or am I overreacting? We have been to marriage counseling several times, and this is our second separation. I need a third-party opinion. -- ELMO'S WIFE IN ARIZONA
DEAR ELMO'S WIFE: It has been my experience that people who are secretive usually have something to hide. Most couples who pool their money give themselves some kind of "allowance" to do with as they wish, and do not have to account to each other for every penny. Because your husband deliberately kept the information from you, I have to agree that his actions were deceptive. But getting him to admit that fact may be more trouble than it's worth. So please accept that "You're right," the words you are longing to hear your husband say, may never pass his lips.