Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WOMAN'S GUILT ABOUT AFFAIR CASTS SHADOW ON FRIENDSHIP
DEAR ABBY: I had an affair with a married man several years ago. It ended, and now I am friends with his wife. I want very much to tell her about the affair because I feel so guilty about it. I see her every day. She has joined the same church I go to, put her kids in the same school as my kids, and we go to all the same parties and have the same friends.
Everyone knows about the affair except her, and I feel uncomfortable every time I talk to her husband or when conversations arise regarding cheating. I know I'll feel more comfortable around her if I get this off my chest. Should I tell her? -- FEELING GUILTY IN SOUTH NEW JERSEY
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: I see no reason to make this woman suffer so that you can feel better. If you feel you MUST confess, confess to someone who won't be hurt to hear the news -- such as a clergyman. They've heard just about everything.
DEAR ABBY: Please tell me how to politely inform our friends that their daughter, "Jane," who is 12 and a special-needs child, needs a bra. My wife picks up Jane and our daughter every day after school, and their teacher has asked us to talk to her parents. Jane's parents seem oblivious to the obvious.
Please help, before the situation gets any bigger. -- PERPLEXED DAD IN TEXAS
DEAR PERPLEXED: The person to discuss this with Jane's parents should first be the teacher. If she has already done so and your friends continue to ignore the problem, then your wife should approach Jane's mother and say something -- and perhaps offer to go shopping with them. It's possible that they are in denial about the fact that their "baby" is becoming a woman.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 20-year-old college student caught in a turmoil of emotion. My parents were divorced two years ago. It left my mother and me on our own. Not long after, to my great joy, my mom was back in the dating world.
I was shocked the night Mom brought one of her dates home to meet me. She later explained that it was time for me to become aware of her new lifestyle. She was now living her life as a lesbian, and I had to accept it.
I immediately moved in with my father and refused to return my mother's phone calls. I miss her, but I can't come to terms with this. What should I do? -- DESPERATE IN DETROIT
DEAR DESPERATE: Judge not, lest ye be judged.
DEAR ABBY: I recently inherited a substantial amount of money from my great-grandmother. I want to start a college fund for my younger cousins.
Here's the problem: My uncle (their father) has two children with his girlfriend, who also has two children from a previous marriage. I want to give the money only to the cousins who are related to me, and announce what I'm planning on my grandparents' anniversary.
My fear is that I will cause a "bad vibe" between my uncle and me since I'm excluding his "stepchildren." How should I handle this? -- LOVING COUSIN IN ORLANDO
DEAR COUSIN: Rather than make a public announcement of your intention at the celebration, I suggest you speak privately to your uncle and tell him what you have in mind. That you want to share your great-grandmother's bequest with those children who are related to her is admirable -- but the offer should be made with delicacy and sensitivity so that it does not cause a rift in your uncle's family.
View of Woman's Skimpy Outfit Makes Restaurant Patron Gag
DEAR ABBY: I need your input. Young women today are wearing low-rise pants, short tops and thong underwear. While my wife and I were dining at a restaurant the other night, a woman was sitting with her back to us. She kept leaning forward over the table to talk to her date, and when she did, her top went farther up and her pants crept down, exposing the top 3 inches of her posterior -- with all that implies.
I didn't want to eat my dinner while looking at the great divide. My wife said to do nothing and not to look. Should I have tapped the woman on the shoulder and asked her not to bend over, or should I have asked the waiter to do something? Luckily, she and her date left before our main course was served. It's the second time this has happened. What do I do the third time? -- RICHARD IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR RICHARD: Since asking a waiter to throw a tablecloth over her is impractical, you should ask to be switched to another table if the view from where you are sitting is too distracting.
Frankly, I sympathize. My husband and I were having dinner at a restaurant in Beverly Hills about a year ago, when in walked a well-known rock musician and his much-younger ladyfriend who was also wearing low-rise pants. By the time their entree was served, we were taking bets as to whether they would slide all the way off! She seemed to be aware she had a problem, because she spent a lot of time trying to hoist them back up. The designers who have foisted them on young women as "fashionable" ought to be spanked.
DEAR ABBY: My father started molesting me when I was 13. Other family members and friends (both male and female) also molested me during and after the time my father molested me. I have had no contact with any of these people in more than 20 years -- especially my father.
Some of my family want me to reconcile with Dad, but I'm unwilling to do that right now. I was not his only victim. He was never punished in any way, and he has never apologized.
My counselor said that I might never reconcile with my father, which is fine with me. He has not been a part of my life for many years. I am comfortable with things the way they are, but some people just can't leave well enough alone. I could use some help with this decision. What do you think? -- RELUCTANT IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR RELUCTANT: You are paying good money to a therapist who has given you some excellent advice. My advice to you is to listen to your therapist and stop gathering opinions from others. Your reasons for avoiding your family are rock solid.
DEAR ABBY: I am being married in a small outdoor chapel in the hills in late July. Because of the risk of forest fires, no smoking is allowed on the grounds at all. (The guests must smoke inside their cars.)
Because quite a few of the guests are longtime smokers, I feel the need to address this issue with them. What would be the most polite way without upsetting anyone? -- WORRIED IN SIMI VALLEY, CALIF.
DEAR WORRIED: I assume you and your fiance are on speaking terms with everyone you're inviting to the wedding. You should deal with this by talking to them directly. If they are so badly addicted to tobacco that they can't forgo smoking outdoors in a fire area in the middle of summer, they should not attend the ceremony. All your lives could depend on it.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Boyfriend's Web of Stories Gets Tangled in the Truth
DEAR ABBY: After being single for several years, I met the man of my dreams. "Chet" was everything I was searching for. We have become very close, and I'd trust him with my life. For nearly a year our relationship has been bliss. Chet seems to be completely devoted to me.
He told me when we first met that his wife had died seven years ago from diabetes. He seemed upset at the memory of her loss, and I never pressed him for more details. He wears a lock of her hair braided to his, and I never really thought much about it.
Well, Chet took me "home" for the Easter holiday. Some things were casually said in passing, and his story began to unravel. After I got home I accessed public records and found in place of a death certificate, a judgment for divorce in 2001! I couldn't believe that Chet would lie to me. I felt such a deep connection to him.
When I confronted him about it, he told me that to him, she IS dead. He says he never looks back, only forward, and that he didn't want to discuss it further. When I brought up the trust issue, he said he had never cheated on me or been with another woman -- completely ignoring the fact he'd lied.
I could understand his wearing his deceased wife's hair -- but his divorced wife's? Now he says it isn't her hair; it's hair he bought and he likes the way it looks. Then why did he tell me it was his wife's hair? I want more than anything to get past this because we really are good together. Please help me. -- DAZED IN DENVER
DEAR DAZED: Your confusion is understandable, but for your own sake you must open your eyes and see clearly. The man you would trust with your life is someone who dwells in his own reality; he bends the truth for his own convenience. Your relationship may feel warm and cozy, but you can't believe a word the man says -- and my advice to you is to double-check EVERYTHING he has told you.
Your boyfriend appears to be a compulsive liar, and if you are wise, you will end the relationship before you get sucked in any further. You fell in love with the person he portrayed himself to be, but it's not who he really is at all.
DEAR ABBY: Our 24-year-old son was killed recently in an auto accident. We had long dreaded that his life might end like this. He had a history of many traffic tickets and a terrible driving record. He had totaled three vehicles in the last three years. The wreck that killed him was his fourth accident in three years.
We have discovered that our son's grandmother took out a large life insurance policy on him after the first accident. Thinking that his own grandmother would "bet" on his death has made our grief even harder to bear. At first, when we confronted her, she said she had taken out the policy to ensure his proper burial because we have no money. (My wife was diagnosed with cancer 3 1/2 years ago, and the treatment left us destitute.)
The policy is many times the cost of our son's funeral. When the funeral director asked my wife and me in the presence of other relatives (including his grandmother), if there was a life insurance policy to defray the expenses, I turned and looked at her. She didn't utter a word! We borrowed the money from my wife's brother.
We don't want a penny of this "blood money" for ourselves or our son's burial. But now our son's grandmother is acting very hostile to us. We feel she saw our son's bad driving record and thought she had a chance to profit from his death. Are we wrong? -- BROKENHEARTED PARENTS IN TEXAS
DEAR BROKENHEARTED: You have my sympathy not only for the loss of your son, but also the loss of your illusions about his grandmother. People who feel guilty often act hostile. Unless there is something you failed to mention in your letter, it appears you have assessed the grandmother's motives correctly.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)