For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
High School Abuse Victim Is Afraid to Revisit the Past
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my 30s. When I was in high school, a male teacher sexually abused me. After my parents and I went to the authorities about it, it became widely known. The teacher resigned, and the case was dismissed. However, like many high school students are, my peers were cruel and insisted it was my fault. Many of them seemed to think I had brought it on myself.
I have since received several years of therapy. I have moved on with my life, and I'm happy. I am being married in the fall, and I'm now a teacher myself, dedicated to protecting my students.
My high school reunion is coming up, and I'd like to go. I've lost track of several friends from high school, and I'd like to see "where everyone is at" in their lives.
My problem is I'm afraid to see the cruel people who made my life so difficult back then. I'm afraid they will bring up the subject. I want to forget about it and continue moving on with my life. What do you think I should do? -- FRIGHTENED BUT CURIOUS IN ILLINOIS
DEAR FRIGHTENED BUT CURIOUS: It's important that you remember that you are no longer the inexperienced young woman who was victimized by that sexual predator. Contact the reunion committee and inquire if the former classmates you want to see plan to attend. (If they don't, you may not want to go.) If they do, then go to the reunion, reconnect and have a good time. And if any of the others are so insensitive as to raise the subject of your abuse, inform them that it took years for you to get over the damage that teacher did, and the trauma they perpetuated because of their cruel and ignorant gossip. Say you don't care to discuss it, then change the subject.
DEAR ABBY: Can you please settle our question about what is proper attire for church? Are short shorts, tube tops and flip-flops suitable for a house of worship? -- DISMAYED IN MARYSVILLE, MICH.
DEAR DISMAYED: I was raised that a person should dress "respectfully" in the house of the Lord. That means fully shod and covered up enough so that it doesn't distract the other worshippers. However, dress codes have been greatly relaxed in recent decades. Each congregation has its own standards and, in the final analysis, it is up to the clergyperson and governing body to decide what is or is not appropriate.
DEAR READERS: A group of distinguished geriatric psychiatrists is interested in learning about the experiences of seniors in getting help for mental and emotional problems. (Geriatric psychiatrists are doctors who specialize in older patients.) They would welcome information such as how older people feel about mental health problems, where you seek help for them, what you feel needs to be done to improve services, and whether you'd like more mental health services than you are getting now.
If you care to share this information, please direct your letters to: Dr. Gene Cohen, Center on Aging, Health and Humanities, 10225 Montgomery Ave., Kensington, MD 20895, or e-mail: � HYPERLINK "mailto:dcagingcenter@aol.com" ��dcagingcenter@aol.com�. (Dr. Cohen is director of the center.)
P.S. If you would like to "vent," they're ready to hear it.
Girl Unhappy With Her Room Should Take Charge Herself
DEAR ABBY: You missed an opportunity with the 13-year-old girl who is dissatisfied with her bedroom and always the recipient of hand-me-downs. Telling her to get a trusted adult to speak on her behalf was tantamount to advising her to recruit someone to help her whine. At 13, she's old enough to be more proactive in making her room the way she wants it.
Her dresser and closet are overstuffed with hand-me-downs that no longer fit? Grab a box, pull out everything that doesn't fit, fold it neatly and put it in the box. These, and the neatly stacked hangers, can be donated to the Salvation Army -- or another group -- and she'll have a lot of new space.
Her furniture is rickety? Can it be glued, clamped, made sturdy again and repainted?
The computer is in the study? Maybe she should clear off her desk and make room for it in her room.
She doesn't like white walls? What if she offered to paint them herself if her parents supply the paint?
She should clear out, refurbish, redecorate and grow up! She complains about her pitiable situation, which she has made no effort to remedy herself, and yet shows not one hint of understanding or compassion for her parents who are working, taking care of multiple children and who have just finished building a new house for them. Has she no concept of how much money and effort that requires?
It's time that girl stopped whining and did something for herself. She could make a tremendous change in her room by her own effort. She may also find that this independent effort may bring her the attention and respect she so obviously wants. -- I DID IT, SHE CAN, TOO
DEAR DID IT: Thank you for offering the girl some other options. It's interesting that you interpreted her cry for help as "whining." I viewed her as a girl who is afraid or unable to speak up for herself because she has been raised to believe that her feelings don't count and her opinions don't matter.
Yes, she could do all of the things you suggested -- but in the final analysis, her parents would have to permit it. That's why I advised her to get an adult relative or close family friend to help her talk to her parents. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I read between the lines of the letter from the girl who wrote that she receives only discarded items and whose father will not paint her room. And yet, she expressed gratitude for having a home. Neglect, favoritism and enforced public gratitude could indicate an abusive, tyrannical parent or parents. While it's hard to know from so brief a letter, that child may be being punished for something that was beyond her control, and be unwilling or unable to express or admit deeper problems.
I know. I was such a child. -- READER IN HOUSTON
DEAR HOUSTON READER: That occurred to me, too. That's why I advised the writer to talk to a trusted adult.
DEAR ABBY: I don't know why that girl's room isn't furnished as nicely as her sisters', but her computer may have been placed in the study for a good reason: the child's safety.
My two children weren't allowed to have a computer in their bedrooms until they were 18. Before that, if they wanted to use the computer/Internet, they had to use the one in the family room, which was situated so the screen was visible to anyone who passed by. -- CAUTIOUS MOM IN ALABAMA
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Nation Pauses to Remember Sacrifice of Fallen Heroes
DEAR ABBY: Today, Memorial Day, Americans wherever they may be are asked to pause for one minute in remembrance and respect for those who have given their lives in service to our country from the Revolutionary War to the present. Everyone is invited to participate in this National Moment of Remembrance, which has been established by Congress.
For this Moment, we connect with one identity as Americans. Our hope is that this shared remembrance will unify a fragmented society. We need to reclaim this national holiday as a day to honor and remember those young men and women who have left us too soon. They were among our country's very best.
Abby, your patriotism and that of your millions of readers has helped, and continues to help us unite our great country in commemorating our fallen heroes on Memorial Day. We mourn their deaths, but let us be grateful that such heroes have lived. With heartfelt thanks ... CARMELLA LA SPADA, DIRECTOR, COMMISSION ON REMEMBRANCE
DEAR CARMELLA: Thank you for your beautiful letter. My readers and I thank you for the heartfelt reminder.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 39 and divorced. I have been seeing "Jesse" for about three years. He's kind, helpful, and I enjoy spending time with him. However, Jesse has said many times that he won't marry me or even live with me. He is 17 years older than I am, and has mentioned that I should be with someone my own age.
I think Jesse is secretly afraid I won't want to be with him as he ages. It's not true. I love him and treasure every moment I can spend with him. Due to a medical condition, our relationship is strictly platonic, but I don't miss sex that much. It's more important for me to be with someone who is kind and thoughtful.
My friends say I should dump him, and I should be with someone who is willing to make a commitment. I love Jesse, but I don't get to see him very often anymore, and I'd like more from our relationship. I don't need "happily ever after," but I would like a little commitment. -- STILL HERE IN WISCONSIN
DEAR STILL HERE: If you want commitment, you will have to find it with someone else. Jesse appears to be happy with his life -- and your relationship -- just as it is. Please listen to your friends because the more you pressure this man, the less I predict you will see of him.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter was invited to a 6-year-old's birthday party at a sports event. We were asked to RSVP by a certain date, which I did. On the day of the party, my daughter got sick, so I called the mother to let her know that my daughter would not be coming. The mother said, "OK, just give me $15 for her ticket tomorrow." The tickets were part of a birthday package, which I would not have had to pay for if she were attending. If siblings of any of the guests arrived, one of them could have used her ticket.
Also, I checked with the box office and the mother is charging me $5 more than the face value of the ticket! How should I handle this? -- MIFFED IN AIKEN, S.C.
DEAR MIFFED: Send "the mother" $10 along with a sweet note, explaining that in the "excitement of preparing for the party" she must have confused the cost of the ticket -- because you checked with the box office and that's what you were told. (I wonder if you were being asked to also reimburse her for the cost of one slice of the birthday cake ...)
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)