To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Opposites Can Make Marriage Work if There's Mutual Respect
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "Polar Opposites," who wondered if she should marry her boyfriend because they are so different. (You told her no.)
My husband and I have been married 12 years and a couple for 15. We are the perfect example of why it can work. If there are two people more different than we are, I have yet to meet them.
My husband is an intellectual with an Ivy League education. I never went to college. His family is small and -- well -- not like mine at all, which is huge and loud. He grew up with no religion; I was raised Catholic. As for the other differences she mentioned, they are small and insignificant.
People don't get along 100 percent of the time, regardless of how alike they are. Marriage is about compromise and respect. As long as you have those things, and open lines of communication, it will work. I love that we're so different. My husband gives me courage when I want to hide. I drag him out to play when he'd rather sit on the couch. We each make up for what the other lacks -- and that's a good thing. -- WROTE THE BOOK ON THAT
DEAR WROTE THE BOOK: I advised the young woman against marriage to her boyfriend because her letter reeked of negativity. Not once did she mention what they have in common or that either of them was willing to work on their relationship, and that does not bode well for a successful future. Readers were divided on the issue. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The differences between them are crucial, and any one of them is a deal breaker. Fighting for what can only bring heartache is foolish, and I think that young woman should be applauded for her wisdom. I know -- I married an "opposite" and have lived to regret it. -- ALLIE IN PORT HUENEME, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: Opposites are often the best pairs! Her description of their differences sounds exactly like my husband and me, and we just celebrated the 27th anniversary of our first date. (My romantic husband celebrates everything that has to do with us.)
Many people tell us we have the best marriage in St. Louis -- which may or may not be true -- but what we DO have is mutual love and respect, and the desire to work hard on our marriage. You told her she has a negative mind-set. Let me add that in addition to that, she also seems judgmental and superior. Her boyfriend sounds like a winner to me. Do you have his number? We have four daughters! -- LAUREN IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR ABBY: After 25 years of marriage to my polar opposite, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, especially when it comes to having children. "Do not be yoked to an unbeliever." It's a choice she'll regret for the rest of her life! -- GINA IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR ABBY: Yes, "Polar Opposite" may have a negative attitude, but it's probably because she's analyzing her relationship with her boyfriend rationally. Happy marriages require more than mutual attraction and love. Differences in family, beliefs, likes and dislikes all can make or break a marriage.
I think they could make it work, and I found her rationality refreshing. If more people were that informed about the realities in their relationships, there would be fewer divorces. I suspect she has just outgrown this relationship and will be happy to move on. You were right to give her "permission." -- DIANE IN PROVO, UTAH
New Mother's Day Tradition Includes Her Favorite Foods
DEAR ABBY: This year, for the first time that I can recall, we did not celebrate Mother's Day at my mom's. She was diagnosed with dementia in January. It has been a difficult time for our family, but we were told to continue to honor Mom's routine as much as possible.
It was my idea to plan a family dinner at my house, including Mom's favorite foods. Remembering that one of her favorite desserts is cheesecake, I decided to make one. I searched through Mom's recipe box, but was unable to find her recipe. (Mom was such a great cook, she probably had it committed to memory.)
A friend finally gave me a recipe from your cookbooklet set, and I decided to use it because it looked easy enough. It was!
Not only did my family love the dessert, but Mom told us the cheesecake was probably the best she's ever made! I thought you'd like to know you were a big part of our celebration this year. Thank you, Abby. I'd also like to order three cookbooklet sets -- one for me and each of my sisters-in-law. Can you please tell me how to order them? -- KATIE'S DAUGHTER IN CLEVELAND
DEAR KATIE'S DAUGHTER: How sweet of you to let me know about your Mother's Day. Although your celebration was a success, I'm sure it was tinged with bittersweet. That you are continuing your mother's traditions warmed my heart.
I'm also pleased that the cheesecake recipe -- which my own mother used for many years when she entertained -- was a hit with your mom and the rest of your family. And I agree, it's a breeze to assemble. (I can do it in less than 15 minutes.)
You can order my recipe book set by sending a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Postage is included in the price.
As a recipe lover, I know you'll find more recipes that will pique your interest, and July 4 -- another holiday that families celebrate together -- is coming up soon. (It's my mother's birthday!)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old woman who has been dating a man I'll call "Paul" for almost a year. I love him and he says he loves me, but sometimes I have a hard time trusting him.
Women call him here at my apartment at 4 a.m. They also leave messages on my answering machine inviting him over for dinner. Paul won't call them back if I am around. He says they're "just friends," but then he tells me he doesn't know how they got my phone number. (It's unlisted.) He swears he hasn't talked to any of them in more than a year.
Am I just being insecure? If so, how does someone deal with these feelings of jealousy? Should I believe him and take the chance of drowning, or get out now and go on with my life without him? -- SINK OR SWIM IN ARKANSAS
DEAR SINK OR SWIM: It appears you have fallen in love with a womanizer who has been giving out your private number. If these women were "just friends," Paul would return the calls while you were present and inform them that he's already involved with someone.
What you call your insecurity and jealousy are your survival instincts trying to warn you that he is not on the level. You won't have to worry about sinking or swimming if you climb out of the water now. I've thrown you a lifeline. Please take it.
Foreign Accents Are Source of Both Pride and Prejudice
DEAR ABBY: You gave a sensible answer to "Sean" regarding the people he has asked about their foreign accents. I would like to offer some advice of my own regarding people he may meet in the future.
I grew up in a diverse metropolitan area. I quickly learned that if people want to share their accent's origin, they will after I offer a compliment (without an inquiry). I have said things like, "What a beautiful accent!" or, "Your accent makes English sound like music." In response, some people will volunteer where it is from. Others simply accept the compliment.
I think you touched on a valid reason why some people are reluctant to reply. People are more likely to tell you about their past if they are proud of it. However, others also may feel that their relationship is not one that warrants volunteering personal information. When you work with dozens or hundreds of people a day, people may not want their last name known, let alone more private information. -- JENNY IN BROCKTON, MASS.
DEAR JENNY: There can be many reasons why people are reluctant to answer the question. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: It gets very tiring to be asked the same question time after time, especially when the response we get for answering it is always the same, "Oh." Ninety-nine percent of the individuals who ask me about my accent cannot differentiate between London and the United Kingdom, so it puzzles me why they even ask the question. My response is to give a dumb answer to a dumb question.
Also, there are too many prejudiced people in this country who judge others based on their accent, and besides, starting a conversation with so personal a question is offensive. -- TICKED OFF IN FLORIDA
DEAR ABBY: I am an American who has been living outside the United States for many years. It seems the second question anyone asks me is, "Where are you from?" often followed by, "You have such a strong accent." I find it insulting because I work hard to pronounce words correctly, and the inquirers seem to make this comment with such joy. I know I don't have a strong accent because when I am on the phone, no one normally comments on my accent.
People like us get irritated partly because when we are asked where we're from, we feel they do it to pigeonhole us, to classify us as "one of those Americans" or "one of those XX immigrants," not the unique individuals we really are. -- NAOMI IN SAO PAOLO, BRAZIL
DEAR ABBY: I have a severe hearing loss and have been told I "have a beautiful accent." People constantly ask me where I am from. I tried being truthful, but that ended up embarrassing the person who asked, so I stopped. I finally started saying, "I'm from here." Most of them don't believe it, and they press me for more information. If I know I'll be seeing the person again, I tell the truth and also say that I'm very open about my hearing loss, and I just talk the way I hear. If I won't be seeing the person again, I just shrug. -- LINDA IN PHOENIX
DEAR ABBY: I am from the Netherlands and have only a slight accent, but I'm still annoyed with myself for being unable to get rid of it. For a lot of people, it is very important to be able to assimilate into the culture, and I can understand that people get tired of being stamped as a "foreigner" all the time. -- KITTY IN OAKLAND
DEAR ABBY: I was with my grandmother in a department store a few years ago when the clerk noticed her accent and asked what country she came from. My grandmother was puzzled, then she replied, "Oklahoma!" -- JANE IN RANCHO CORDOVA, CALIF.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)