Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Foreign Accents Are Source of Both Pride and Prejudice
DEAR ABBY: You gave a sensible answer to "Sean" regarding the people he has asked about their foreign accents. I would like to offer some advice of my own regarding people he may meet in the future.
I grew up in a diverse metropolitan area. I quickly learned that if people want to share their accent's origin, they will after I offer a compliment (without an inquiry). I have said things like, "What a beautiful accent!" or, "Your accent makes English sound like music." In response, some people will volunteer where it is from. Others simply accept the compliment.
I think you touched on a valid reason why some people are reluctant to reply. People are more likely to tell you about their past if they are proud of it. However, others also may feel that their relationship is not one that warrants volunteering personal information. When you work with dozens or hundreds of people a day, people may not want their last name known, let alone more private information. -- JENNY IN BROCKTON, MASS.
DEAR JENNY: There can be many reasons why people are reluctant to answer the question. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: It gets very tiring to be asked the same question time after time, especially when the response we get for answering it is always the same, "Oh." Ninety-nine percent of the individuals who ask me about my accent cannot differentiate between London and the United Kingdom, so it puzzles me why they even ask the question. My response is to give a dumb answer to a dumb question.
Also, there are too many prejudiced people in this country who judge others based on their accent, and besides, starting a conversation with so personal a question is offensive. -- TICKED OFF IN FLORIDA
DEAR ABBY: I am an American who has been living outside the United States for many years. It seems the second question anyone asks me is, "Where are you from?" often followed by, "You have such a strong accent." I find it insulting because I work hard to pronounce words correctly, and the inquirers seem to make this comment with such joy. I know I don't have a strong accent because when I am on the phone, no one normally comments on my accent.
People like us get irritated partly because when we are asked where we're from, we feel they do it to pigeonhole us, to classify us as "one of those Americans" or "one of those XX immigrants," not the unique individuals we really are. -- NAOMI IN SAO PAOLO, BRAZIL
DEAR ABBY: I have a severe hearing loss and have been told I "have a beautiful accent." People constantly ask me where I am from. I tried being truthful, but that ended up embarrassing the person who asked, so I stopped. I finally started saying, "I'm from here." Most of them don't believe it, and they press me for more information. If I know I'll be seeing the person again, I tell the truth and also say that I'm very open about my hearing loss, and I just talk the way I hear. If I won't be seeing the person again, I just shrug. -- LINDA IN PHOENIX
DEAR ABBY: I am from the Netherlands and have only a slight accent, but I'm still annoyed with myself for being unable to get rid of it. For a lot of people, it is very important to be able to assimilate into the culture, and I can understand that people get tired of being stamped as a "foreigner" all the time. -- KITTY IN OAKLAND
DEAR ABBY: I was with my grandmother in a department store a few years ago when the clerk noticed her accent and asked what country she came from. My grandmother was puzzled, then she replied, "Oklahoma!" -- JANE IN RANCHO CORDOVA, CALIF.
Parents Pinch College Funds Sent by Children's Godparent
DEAR ABBY: I am the godparent of three children from different families. In the past, I have given each child money designated for his or her college fund, along with appropriate event gifts.
Within the last year, the parents of all three godchildren have disclosed to me that they (the parents) used the children's college funds for "family" use –- such as a down payment on a home, a family vacation or home renovation.
I am hurt and bewildered that my friends could do such a thing and destroy their child's college savings. All three of the children are young, and the parents each said something about "replacing" those funds "someday." Now I no longer feel comfortable giving them money, since I do not wish to fund the next family vacation or new car.
How do I address this tactfully with my friends, especially since my no longer contributing to the college funds will be noticed? Please help. -- ELIZABETH IN MOBILE, ALA.
DEAR ELIZABETH: You say you are hurt and bewildered? I'd be furious that the money I had given for a college fund had been pilfered by parents too immature to understand the blessing of compound interest.
Please don't penalize your godchildren for the bad behavior of their parents. Talk to your banker or financial adviser about establishing your own college funds for them -- funds that can't be touched until they are needed for the purpose for which they are intended. There may even be a tax break for you. And if the parents have the bad taste to bring up the subject, tell them the money will be there, but for now, it's safely out of the way of "temptation."
DEAR ABBY: I am 15. My younger brother, "Mikey," is 7. I enjoy watching a television show that is rated PG-13. My parents didn't mind my watching it until a few weeks ago.
Over the last couple of weeks, Mikey has been coming into my room while I'm watching the show. When I ask him to leave, he throws a fit. He then goes into his room and watches it, thinking no one will find out.
Mikey has been imitating some of the violence on the show, and my parents are blaming me for showing it to him. Now they are threatening to take away my privilege of watching the show. What can I do to convince them that I am not exposing him to the violence? -- DAVID IN LIVERPOOL, N.Y.
DEAR DAVID: You should not be punished for your parents' failure to supervise your brother. If you haven't already done so, tell your parents exactly what you have told me. And while you're at it, suggest that they either activate the parental controls on the television set in your brother's room, or remove it entirely so that he can watch only in the den or family room where his viewing can be monitored.
DEAR ABBY: What do you think of a mother-in-law who asks that an afghan made by her friend be given back? It was given to my daughter and her husband as a wedding gift three years ago. They just got divorced. Isn't this a bit tacky? -- JUST WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: When a marriage ends, it is not unusual for the splitting spouses to divide the wedding gifts according to whose "side" they came from. Was it tacky of the former mother-in-law to ask? I don't think so, if the request was made politely. However, once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient -– and possession is nine points of the law.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Affair With Sister's Boyfriend Gives Both Pleasure and Pain
DEAR ABBY: I'll get right to the point. I have fallen in love with my sister's boyfriend and he with me, so he says. We have been lovers from the first moment we realized our feelings for each other were mutual, and have been hiding them from my sister ever since.
"Greg" is not only handsome, but he listens to whatever I say, takes it into thoughtful consideration and gives me honest feedback. I have tried to let him go and found it quite impossible. He is the most precious thing in my life and he has my whole heart.
Since this has been going on, I have become more and more confused about how I should act, what I should say and do. However, my love for Greg grows. I don't want to hurt my sister, but we were never very close to begin with. Is this relationship worth my pain and great love? -- LITTLE SISTER IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR LITTLE SISTER: Let's get right to the point. The man you have fallen in love with lacks integrity. He is your sister's boyfriend, and he's juggling both of you. The longer the sneaking around continues, the greater your chances that it will be discovered. And when it is, it will cause a rift in your family and Greg will head for the hills. My advice to you is to end it NOW.
DEAR ABBY: Often, when I have a dental appointment, it will be scheduled in the late morning -- around 10 or 11. I think it would be terrible manners to eat before going, and have the dentist dig through the food in my teeth.
After the actual cleaning and then following the instruction of waiting before the next meal, it could be as late as 1 p.m. in the afternoon before I get my first meal of the day. Some people have good stamina, I suppose, but it is very hard for me to wait that long.
Have you any suggestions about how not to go hungry and yet not be rude to the dentist? -- CLEAN TEETH, RUMBLING TUMMY
DEAR C.T.R.T.: Enjoy a nourishing breakfast and then thoroughly brush and floss your teeth afterward. If you will be eating out, take along one of those little travel brushes and mini-toothpastes that are sold at markets and drugstores everywhere. That way you won't be hungry, and your dentist won't be grossed out.
DEAR ABBY: The letters you have printed recently about cute comments made by children reminded me of something that happened with my son a while back. My child was a preemie who later developed a condition similar to a hernia. It's common in premature babies.
When he was 3 years old, I took him to a pediatric surgeon to have the condition corrected. (This is when the problem began to manifest itself.) My son was given the typical examination by the doctor for a hernia. At 3, my son stood on the examination table, and, as the doctor examined his testicles, he shouted, "I'm going to tell an adult!"
The doctor looked at me as if I should do something. I told my son, "It's OK, Mommy's here, and this is a doctor examining you, but in any other circumstances, you do exactly what you just did!" The doctor didn't say a word, and I gave myself a silent, "Yes! He understands!"
Kids need to know. -- KAREN IN TAMPA, FLA.
DEAR KAREN: I agree. And bravo to you for making sure your son understood that important lesson early.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)