DEAR READERS: Mothers come in all sizes and colors. Some are traditional, while others are not. But one thing is true about mothers everywhere. The role they have assumed is both the hardest job in the world and the most rewarding. Because today is Mother's Day. I extend my best wishes to all of you -- whether you are birth mothers, stepmothers, adoptive mothers, foster mothers or mothers-in-law.
DEAR ABBY: Every year on Mother's Day, you feature letters about cake-baking, hugs-and-kisses mothers. The stories are heartwarming, but all of the women depicted seem to have been cut from the same schmaltzy cookie cutter.
My mom, Kitty Myrtle White, was a beautiful, 5-foot-tall, heck-raising Texas lady who could drink any strong man under the table and out-cuss any drunken sailor. A single mom in the '40s, when there was no welfare, Mom worked 12-hour days to support her three children. Even though her job required that she carry large sums of cash to the bank every day (we lived in a tough part of town), Mom never worried about being robbed. On top of being a tough little broad, she also carried a snub-nosed .38 caliber revolver in her purse and was a crack shot. Twice, would-be assailants were sent on their way with bleeding scalps after Mom "parted their hair" with an accurately swung R.C. Cola bottle. Mom was scared of nothing!
To relax in the evenings, Mom would entertain her beaus in our living room. All she ever needed was a table, a bottle of Four Roses whiskey, music from our radio and a man. Since she was one of Texas' greatest storytellers, what she really wanted from her "gentlemen" was an audience.
With great Southern charm, she would sit them down at the table with a drink and then tell them endless tales about the crazy people she'd known and her own "eccentric" family. When a hot tune would come onto the radio, she'd "boogie-woogie" with her guy while holding her cocktail in her hand. When the song ended, she'd let out a loud rebel yell, slug down her drink and slam the empty glass into the fireplace. Because of her zany ways, some of her dates waited for the opportunity, then bolted out our side door. (Some were never heard from again.)
Mom was a genuine character and was much loved by her kids and just about everyone who knew her. So, Abby, this year, instead of printing one of those mushy mom stories, remember that not all good mothers are cut from that same pious piece of cloth. -- KITTY'S KID IN GLENDALE, ARIZ.
DEAR KITTY'S KID: Your letter proves that it doesn't always take an apron and a cookie recipe to be a loving, caring mother. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In 1993, when my husband was leaving for college, he wrote his mother a Mother's Day thank-you letter. In it, he thanked her for everything from turning leftovers into new meals, to reminding him to always put on clean underwear. The letter, two handwritten pages long, came from his heart.
My beloved mother-in-law kept that letter in her jewelry box with her other treasures. Cancer took her recently, but before she died, she asked my husband to read it at her funeral. There wasn't a dry eye in the house when he finished. Little did he know 13 years ago, how deeply meaningful it would be.
So I challenge your readers this year: Write your mothers a letter telling them how much you love and appreciate them. Believe me, it will last a lot longer than flowers or candy. I hope I'm lucky enough someday to receive a letter like that from my daughters. -- NICOLE IN ORANGE COUNTY
DEAR NICOLE: And I hope your wish is granted.
Happy Mother's Day!
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Let Prospective Son in Law Buy Engagement Ring Himself
DEAR ABBY: Would it be OK to offer an interest-free loan to a prospective son-in-law to buy my daughter an engagement ring? They have been dating -- indeed, living together -- for more than two years. They talk about wedding plans all the time. He's already like part of the family.
We conjecture that he has not popped the question because he can't afford to purchase an engagement ring. He's currently working part-time, low-income jobs while he waits for our daughter to get her college degree before he/they go to graduate school. -- CARING DAD IN WASHINGTON
DEAR CARING DAD: When in doubt -- don't. Although your idea is generous, I think you should refrain from making the offer. Your daughter's boyfriend may have other reasons for not popping the question, including not feeling ready to make a lifetime commitment to your daughter.
DEAR ABBY: I recently went to a salon to have my hair dyed back to my natural color. The stylist did a wonderful job and I'm happy with the results, as it's hard to match the color of someone's roots with hair dye.
However, later I went out to dinner with a friend, and she pointed out a large stain of hair dye on the back of my shirt. I'm not sure what to do. I'm fairly certain the stylist must have seen it as she walked me to the counter. It was a brand-new shirt and cost me $40 the day before I went to the salon, and it was the first time I had ever worn it.
I'd like to ask the salon to pay for the cost of the shirt, but would this be proper? -- SCARLET WOMAN IN LEXINGTON, KY.
DEAR SCARLET: You are certainly within your rights to ask if you feel that the stylist saw the problem and kept it from you. When you went in for the procedure, you should have been offered the opportunity to change into a smock so there would be no chance that your clothing would be ruined. And in the future, when going to a beauty salon for color, you should ask for one.
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday my husband and oldest son went to pick up my youngest son from my parents' home. During the 15 minutes they were there, my parents told them nine times that they had something for our children, and they would be over another day to help assemble it. Also, my mother repeated eight times to our oldest son to make sure he didn't allow his brother to have a small object. None of us have hearing problems, and my oldest son is very smart and responsible when it comes to knowing what his little brother can and cannot have.
My parents are in their early 60s. Both of them are healthy. The thing is, they repeat themselves over and over again all the time. What makes a person do this? We have tried telling them that they have already told us a dozen times. Whenever we try, they either "don't get it" or they get upset and pout. Does anyone else have to deal with this? It's really annoying. -- PETE AND REPEAT IN OHIO
DEAR PETE AND REPEAT: Absolutely. However, they are usually families whose relative is suffering from some form of dementia or has had small strokes. I don't know how long this problem has been going on, but your parents' doctor should be alerted that there may be a potential problem.
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Boyfriend in Family Photo Can Always Be Edited Out
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Keith," and I are eagerly awaiting the birth of our first child. Sadly, Keith's mother is in very poor health. She's not expected to live more than a few months after the birth of her newest grandchild.
For this reason, all of Keith's siblings are planning to visit after the baby arrives so that everyone can pose for one last family photo, complete with our new baby. My problem is with Keith's niece, "Bridget." I know when the time comes to snap the picture, Bridget will insist on including her latest loser boyfriend.
I wouldn't care if it weren't for the fact that Bridget has a history of demanding that her current boyfriends be put in family photos and then insisting that the pictures never see the light of day again after the relationship has ended. She threw a fit at my in-laws' anniversary party when she saw that their picture board contained family pictures with past boyfriends. She was even so bold as to tell everyone in Keith's family to get rid of any family pictures from our wedding because seeing images of her boyfriend at the time "dredged up too many painful memories." (That boyfriend would eventually become her ex-husband, to whom she was married for only one month.)
How do I inform Bridget that her newest boyfriend is not wanted in what will most likely be the only family portrait to include my baby? -- MOTHER-TO-BE IN MICHIGAN
DEAR MOTHER-TO-BE: I see no reason to "inform" Bridget that the family regards her current boyfriend-to-be as yet another loser. It will only cause her to become hurt and defensive, and create resentment that could last for years. Instead, when everyone is lined up for the family picture, make sure that Bridget's boyfriend is posed on the end of the grouping. That way, if the romance tanks he can easily be photo-edited out.
DEAR ABBY: I often order a cup of herbal tea with dinner at restaurants. I use quite a bit of sugar, and end up with four to five empty packets after I've sweetened my tea. What should I do with them? I've tried hiding them under the saucer, but they never seem to fit. -- TEA LOVER IN NEW YORK
DEAR TEA LOVER: Because the "evidence" is making you self-conscious, you could sneak the packets into your purse (or even your brassiere). However, speaking as a fellow sugar addict, my advice is to start cutting back on the sugar, because not only is it addictive, it also makes you crave more and more. And an hour after you've consumed it, you'll feel as fatigued as you felt "energized" immediately afterward.
DEAR ABBY: I was adopted by a stepfather when I was 9. My real father died when I was 5. I am now 25 and want to change my last name back to that of my biological father. My mother divorced my stepfather seven years ago.
Abby, my stepfather abused me badly, so I have had a hard time dealing with this. I have since had counseling, which helped a great deal. I just need to know -- is it worth it to go through the trouble of legally changing my name back, especially if I were to get married in the next five years or so? I just hate that I'm still associated with the man who hurt me years ago. -- CONFUSED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR CONFUSED: Because the name has painful associations for you, it would not only be "worth it," it would also be cathartic. I say, go for it! Bury the name with all the unhappiness that was associated with it.
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