For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Marriage Renewal Program Helps Couples in Trouble
DEAR ABBY: I am married to a man I'll call "Chad." We have had a few rough years since our child came along. We went to counseling as long as Chad's parents paid for it, and even tried talking to the pastor of our church. Not a whole lot has changed.
I know you recommend counseling for married people in trouble, but what do you suggest for those of us who can't afford it? -- TRYING TO MAKE IT IN TUCSON
DEAR TRYING: A program that has been mentioned before in my column, and has enjoyed much success, is Retrouvaille, which started in Canada in 1977 and is now offered in many countries. It is Catholic in origin and orientation, but is open to all married couples regardless of religious background.
Retrouvaille consists of a weekend, followed by a series of 12 presentations over the following three months. It is not a spiritual retreat, a sensitivity group or a seminar. During the Retrouvaille program, which is run by three married couples and a priest, the "team couples" -– all of whom have experienced disillusionment, pain, anger and conflict in their own marriages -– share their personal struggles, reconciliation and healing. For more information on programs in your area, call toll-free: (800) 470-2230 or visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.retrouvaille.org" ��www.retrouvaille.org�.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "George," died seven months ago, after a four-month battle with esophageal cancer. He was the oldest of six siblings. We all got along well. My three children and I are grateful to both of our families for all the help they gave us throughout George's illness.
My problem is George's brothers, sisters and their families. They have dropped us from their lives. I know they are grieving for their brother. My children and I are grieving for him, too. They say it's "too hard to see us" because there are too many memories.
Abby, I like being with George's family because they remind me of my husband. I don't sit around talking about him all the time, and I don't expect them to do that either. I guess what I'm looking for is a feeling of still belonging. I'm not talking about wanting to be with these people 24/7, just maybe seeing them once every two or three weeks. We all live close to each other.
Losing my husband was devastating, but losing his family makes it ever so much worse. How do I get them to see I need to stay in the family "loop"? -- GEORGE'S WIFE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR WIFE: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. You didn't mention how often you saw your in-laws before your husband's death, or what demands there are on their time. However, families are made up of individuals, and it would be interesting to know which of your husband's siblings expressed that it is "too hard to see you," whether they all feel the same way, or if one person was speaking for all of them.
While it may not be possible to remain close to all of your husband's brothers and sisters, it may be possible to stay close with some of them. At the same time, please consider enlarging your social circle. Volunteer work is an excellent way to do that if you have the time. It will also give you less time to dwell on your loss.
FEAR OF COMING OUT CAUSES MAN TO WITHDRAW FROM LIFE
DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old male. Ever since I was in middle school, I have been dealing with the possibility that I might be a homosexual. Today I no longer think it's a "possibility." I know it's a fact.
For years, not a day has gone by that I have not had homosexual thoughts and urges. I have dated a few females to try to "change," but those attempts have been unsuccessful.
I am depressed, confused and angry with myself. I am becoming reclusive. I have withdrawn from most of my classes in college, and I don't want to socialize with people. Sometimes I think my life is over before it ever began.
I come from a religious family in south Georgia who believe that homosexuality is a sin and God will punish gays. In my part of the country, homophobia is everywhere. If I ever told anyone what I am feeling, I could never show my face around here again.
I keep asking myself whether or not my life would be better if I told people that I am a homosexual. I am beginning to believe that if I come out, my life would be better. I'd do it now, but I couldn't stand that my family would be disappointed with me -- and I don't want to lose what friends I have left. I also can't bear the thought that my religious community would condemn me. What would you do if you were in my situation? -- CONFUSED IN GEORGIA
DEAR CONFUSED: If I were you, I'd accept that my life wasn't working and I'd probably come out. However, I am NOT you. If you come out to your family and friends, it's important that you understand that you will change. It will be better, but it will also be different. How close can any of these people really be to you if they don't know who you are?
Before making up your mind, I urge you to go online to www.lgbtcenters.org and locate some gay and lesbian centers where you can get counseling. (Atlanta might be a good place to start.) You can't hide forever. With emotional support, taking such a big step will be easier.
P.S. Eventually it might be better if you move to a more diverse community to complete your education and begin your new life.
DEAR ABBY: I have a delicate problem concerning my daughter-in-law, "Sheila," and my 1-year-old grandson, "Cary." I consider Sheila to be an unfit mother. Her house is filthy, including the kitchen. She allows Cary to eat cat food when he crawls around on the dirty floors.
Sheila has been giving Cary various medications since he was only a week old. When he would cry, she would give him drops to relieve "the gas." Next, it was a gel for his teething ailments when he was only 3 months old -- she still gives it to him three times a day. She has also been giving him Tylenol every day "to help him sleep."
Abby, our grandson is beginning to look a bit yellow, and we're afraid he may have some liver damage. We're afraid to speak out because we don't want to cause a rift in the family. I have considered writing a letter to his pediatrician, but I'm not sure it would be taken seriously. What can we do? -- WORRIED SICK IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR WORRIED SICK: You are justifiably concerned about your grandson's safety and welfare, so pick up the phone and call Childhelp USA. All calls are confidential, and your anonymity will be preserved. The number to call is (800) 422-4453. It's a 24-hour toll-free helpline, and the people who man those phones can help you report what's happening to the proper authorities in your state. You may also log on to www.childhelpusa.org.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen's Generosity Gives Life to Multiple Organ Recipients
DEAR ABBY: One evening as I was preparing dinner, my teenage son, Allen, came to me and asked whether or not he should check "yes" to organ donation on his driver's license. I was shocked and unprepared to address the subject, but he persisted, saying, "If I don't need my organs, Mom, and they can help someone else -- why not?"
One year later, our beloved 17-year-old son suffered a traumatic brain injury in an automobile accident. As his father and I sat by his side, it became clear that Allen's life was to be no more. Brokenhearted, we desperately searched for guidance to somehow extend his time with us. But Allen had already given us the answer -- that evening discussion as I was preparing dinner.
Our son became a true hero the next day, when he donated the gift of a kidney/pancreas to a 29-year-old father of three boys. His left kidney, heart, liver, intestine and corneas went to other people in need of the "gift of life." Allen's love lives forever in our hearts, and his circle of life continues within the lives of those he saved.
This summer, I will see firsthand the power of Allen's gift of life as I join his kidney/pancreas recipient and thousands of others at the Olympic-style National Kidney Foundation U.S. Transplant Games, where he will celebrate and pay tribute to the gift of life.
April is National Donate Life month. In the spirit of love, I am thankful for Allen, the wonders of transplantation and the miracle of life. -- ALLEN'S MOM, AKA JEAN JANOHOSKY, MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR JEAN: Your letter touched my heart. Please accept my condolences for the loss of your son, and my admiration for your courage and determination to see that his wishes were carried out.
Readers, I encourage all of you to talk to your loved ones, listen to them, and say "yes" to giving the "gift of life." It is a way to ensure that a part of our loved ones lives on, and to improve the quality of life for people -- many of whom have been suffering for years, waiting and praying for an organ.
For more information, call the National Kidney Foundation's toll-free number at (800) 622-9010, or go to � HYPERLINK "http://www.kidney.org" ��www.kidney.org�. And if you could use a "lift," mark your calendar and consider attending the Olympic-style Transplant Games, which are being held in Louisville, Ky., between June 16 and 21. In a very real sense, these games are competitions where EVERYONE is a winner.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior in high school with no life. I'm not a bad-looking guy, although I'm a little short and skinny for my age, at 5-feet-7 and 110 pounds. I know I'm young and when I get older I'll find someone, but it's hard never having had a girlfriend during your entire high school years. I have never felt that joy of the first kiss or had a real date.
Prom is coming up soon, and it seems that most likely I'll either be going solo or, like last year, not at all. Any advice for me? -- LONELY SENIOR IN GEORGIA
DEAR SENIOR: OK, you don't have a girl you're romantic about. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can invite? Someone you know outside of school? How about asking a freshman, sophomore or junior? (When an underclassman is invited to the prom by a senior, it is very flattering.) I can't guarantee you'll have the "joy of the first kiss," but there's no reason why you won't have a good time -- particularly if you are with someone you're comfortable being around.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)