Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Children Know More Than We Think About the Birds and Bees
DEAR ABBY: I got a big kick out of all the adults who responded to your "truth at the zoo" column. As they say, "out of the mouths of babes" come the most truthful responses.
When my daughter was quite young, I also took her to the zoo. My daughter was very intelligent, but on that occasion she surprised even me. It was mating season, and we were viewing the peacocks. A young mother and her little boy were standing near us when the boy asked his mom why the peacocks were saying, "Now! Now!" (That's what it sounded like!) The mother blushed and gave her son some lame reason. My daughter chimed in, "The birds with the pretty feathers are the boys, and they want to make babies. They want to do it NOW!" -- MOM IN TAMPA
DEAR MOM: What a hoot! I can't believe it, but I'm still getting mail about the column. It seems that not only do kids "say the darndest things" -- so do their parents. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: At a county fair last year, my husband and I were at the rabbit exhibit, and I overheard a mother explain to her child that what the bunnies were doing (read amorous pastime) was called "getting married." While technically incorrect, I thought that mother had a firm grip on family values. (I also hoped she'd explain things more clearly at the proper time and place.) I think it was a wonderful way to start the teaching and learning process of the birds and the bees. That mother seemed to be on track, and I was proud to have witnessed it. I still smile when I remember the encounter. -- MOTHER IN BUNKER HILL
DEAR ABBY: Can you stand one more story about the zoo? When my granddaughter Gabi was 2 1/2, my daughter took her to the zoo. She was pointing out the animals, and when they got to the cows, my daughter said, "Gabi, look at the one over there, the one with the horns. That's a boy cow!" Gabi looked up at her mother and said, "Mama, that's a bull!" Never underestimate children. They may surprise you. -- PROUD GRANDMA, MELBOURNE, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: I served as a zoo docent for 15 years, giving tours and taking zoo animals into classrooms for lectures. When asked a tough question, we were taught to say, "I don't know, but I will find out and get back to you with the answer." We would always take a name, phone number or address, and be sure that the question was answered correctly.
One day, we actually heard a docent tell a class that an ostrich will "hide" by putting his/her head in the sand. (Not true!) After that, we had a standing joke: A male ostrich was chasing a female ostrich, but she was doing a great job of staying just out of his reach. She abruptly turned a corner and stuck her head in the sand. The male turned the same corner, hot on her heels, but stopped dead in his tracks, uttering the immortal words, "Where did she go?" -- JOAN IN RIVERTON, UTAH
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were both "city kids." When our boys were 4 and 5, we took them to the county fair. In the cow barn, the oldest asked his dad what the difference was between a cow and a bull. He answered: The bulls have horns (much to the merriment of the farmer sitting on the fence).
A few years later, we moved to a farming community and lived a block away from a cattle farmer. Again we attended the county fair. Walking along, my son pulled his dad aside and whispered in his ear: "Dad, I found out the difference between a cow and a bull. It's not horns. It's lower!" -- VIRGINIA IN VILLA RICA, GA.
First Lesson in College Is to Rise and Shine on Time
DEAR ABBY: I teach and advise first-year students at a college, and one of the most critical problems students have is sleeping through class because they haven't learned to get themselves up in the morning.
Last week, a sophomore student missed a math class at 8 a.m. because her father failed to call her that morning and get her out of bed.
PLEASE advise parents to buy an alarm clock for their children, starting in sixth grade, and make them learn to get themselves out of bed, even if it means suffering the consequences once or twice for being late. Daddy's not going to make that wake-up call forever, and Mom shouldn't have to serve as the alarm clock for kids over 12 years of age. We'd appreciate students who can at least do that much for themselves -- and I'm sure their future employers would too. -- FRUSTRATED ADVISER IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR ADVISER: I'm pleased to help spread the message. Parents, the longer bad habits are ignored, the harder they are to break. Sometimes it's necessary to use "tough love" to teach children self-reliance and independence. Do it now, while the penalties they will have to pay for their mistakes are still minor. By the time they're out of the nest, it's too late.
DEAR ABBY: I recently began dating this guy, "Don," I met a few months ago. For the most part, he's good to me. The problem is I have strong feelings for him, but I'm not sure he feels the same way.
Don says he loves me, and he does treat me wonderfully -- something I've always wanted -- but I have this nagging feeling that "something" will go wrong. I don't know where this stems from. I feel myself starting to fall in love with him, but I don't know if I should because he has been married four times already. Please help me. I don't want to lose him. -- HOLDING BACK IN OHIO
DEAR HOLDING BACK: The "nagging feeling" you described may be your common sense telling you to put on the brakes before giving your whole heart. Let's face it, this man has a terrible track record when it comes to commitment. Get to know him a lot better before planning a future with him. This is one of those cases where only time will tell -- lots and lots of time.
DEAR ABBY: I'm about to have my first baby. I'm very excited about it. People ask if I'm nervous about giving birth. To tell you the truth, the only part of labor and delivery I'm afraid of is the fact that my mother-in-law insists on being there.
I agreed when she first asked me, but I have changed my mind, and I'm wondering how I can avoid having her there when the time comes. I actually find myself praying for a C-section because then she cannot be there.
How should this be handled? Should we tell her before the birth, or should we just call her after the baby is born with the good news? -- TRAPPED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR TRAPPED: If you can't find the courage to tell your mother-in-law beforehand that you have changed your mind, discuss that fact with your OB/GYN, and specify that you want only your husband with you during labor and delivery. Your doctor can make sure your wishes are carried out.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Husband Is Desperate to Heal Emotional Wounds He Inflicted
DEAR ABBY: I have an enormous problem and need a woman's input, and that's you. I realized recently that I have abused my wife, "Doreen," for years.
I never hit her and I never cheated, but I had many frustrations inside and I took them out on her verbally. I never realized what I was doing to her emotionally. A few months ago, it happened again -- I yelled at her. After a weekend of crying, Doreen came to the conclusion that she didn't need the aggravation anymore. Our marriage is in deep trouble.
Abby, Doreen is my life. I worship her, I really do. I love her and I'm IN love with her. I always have been and I always will be. I'm seeing a counselor. It is going well, and Doreen has agreed to go, too, both alone and with me.
Although we have been intimate recently, she shows me very little affection or attention, and says very little to me. I understand she needs time and her own space, and I'm trying hard to give that to her, but she means so much to me that I want to be around her as much as possible. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. My doctor told me I am clinically depressed. I need her back in my life, but even more, I need to be back in HER life and heart. I am anxiously awaiting your reply. -- HEARTBROKEN IN N.Y.
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: When people are diagnosed as clinically depressed, it means their brain chemistry is out of whack. Before you can heal your marriage, you will have to heal yourself because your depression -- and not your frustration -- may have been the cause of your ugly outbursts. I understand that you feel awful right now, but it may be necessary to reorganize your priorities.
Pushing and crowding your wife out of your own insecurity is unwise. Although you may not realize it, being beaten down can be as damaging to the target as being beaten up. In fact, the effects can be more long-lasting if the person is told repeatedly that he or she doesn't measure up.
Your wife's feeling for you may not be dead as much as completely numbed. She's cooperating to the best of her ability by seeing your therapist -- and that's a hopeful sign. Your best bet is to do everything you can to make yourself better, listen to your therapist, and take your relationship with Doreen one day at a time.
DEAR ABBY: In a few months, some good friends of mine will be getting married. I am in the bridal party. The problem is, my ex-fiance is one of the groomsmen. My ex and I did not break up well, nor have we had any contact since I moved out.
Because my ex is not the best man, I don't really need to deal with him during the coming months or during the wedding. However, I'm afraid it might be uncomfortable for me during such things as the reception dinner, the picture-taking, etc.
I don't want to distress the bride and groom, not this close to the wedding. How should I handle it if he should make things uncomfortable, other than as politely as possible? -- CONCERNED IN TROY, N.Y.
DEAR CONCERNED: I'm sure the bride and groom are well aware of the circumstances of your breakup. Therefore, it would not be out of line to suggest to whoever is handling the seating at the reception that you would prefer not to sit near our former fiance. Be cordial in your interactions with him, but don't linger or allow him to start a serious conversation, and you should be able to make it through the occasion without a scene.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)