To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Heirloom Gifts to Grandkids Are Given With Future in Mind
DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your advice to "Not Ungrateful," regarding the beautiful dolls that were sent to her children by their grandfather.
I run a children's store. Not all grandparents want to give a gift that might end up in a garage sale or giveaway box years down the road. Many want to give a special gift that their grandchild will enjoy later and that will be a special memory of them when the children are older. Keepsakes are treasures that can be cherished long after the grandparents are gone.
Special gifts should be put aside until the children are old enough to play with them and enjoy them. Be sure to remind the children that Grandpa gave the gifts when they were babies because he thought they were so special. Cuddly stuffed animals are cute for babies, but generally don't last, nor is their origin ever truly appreciated by the child. So let Grandpa give the most special gifts he can. Those gifts are worth receiving at any age. -- VICKI IN CODY, WYO.
DEAR VICKI: I heard from many readers who agree with you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Perhaps that grandfather is thinking down the road that someday (when he may be gone) his grandchildren will appreciate his foresight.
We get our grandson the "appropriate cuddly gifts," along with substantial contributions to a 529 college plan. Someday, between political science, beer and young women, we trust he will have kind thoughts about his grandparents. More important, we hope he will repay the gift in kindness to his own grandchildren. -- AN APPRECIATIVE GRANDPA IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ABBY: As a very young girl in the early '50s, I received by mail a beautiful string of pearls in a velvet case from my bachelor godfather. Talk about age inappropriate! (How can you play with pearls?)
My disappointment turned to pride as my parents explained they were a special gift -- my "first pearls" -- to be worn when I became a young lady. The case graced my dresser top for years, until I was finally deemed "old enough" to wear the elegant necklace.
I still cherish the pearls and their memories of a sweet godfather I rarely saw, and of the times I would carefully open that fancy case and rub the pearls against my cheek, daydreaming of someday being a lady. Let other friends buy their children the soft things they can play with now. "Not Ungrateful's" father-in-law may also intend for the fancy dolls to be future heirlooms. -- SENTIMENTAL IN SEABECK, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: When my granddaughter was born, my mother gave her a chest of sterling silver flatware because she calculated that she wouldn't be here when "that baby grows up," and the price of sterling silver would be out of reach. Through the years, we have added serving pieces to match. Now that my granddaughter is married (and my mother is no longer with us), she has a beautiful service for eight thanks to her great-grandmother.
When it was determined that my step-grandbaby was to be a girl, I bought the prettiest, most expensive doll I could find, as I wanted her first doll to be special. For her first birthday we gave her a diamond drop necklace with instructions that it was to be put away but worn on her wedding day. Because of our advanced age, we won't be alive when she is married, and we wanted to be part of her very special day. -- ANN G., TUPELO, MISS.
DEAR ANN: I'd say your step-grandbaby is a lucky little girl -- and not because of the jewelry.
Family's Cruelty Toward Pets Casts Doubt on Couple's Future
DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Jamie," and I have been together almost four years. Everything was fine until we hit a major roadblock.
I was raised to love animals. Jamie's parents are the polar opposite. I have always kept my cool when I heard stories about his father abusing animals. I asked Jamie to talk to his parents and let them know how I feel. He never did.
Just before Christmas we were over there for a visit, and his mother told a horrible story about his dad killing a pet rabbit. I couldn't control myself any longer; I burst into tears and yelled, "Your father is a horrible man!"
We left that night, and I told Jamie I could never go back. He needed to make a choice: a wife who could be a part of his family -- or me. He chose me -- at least that's what I thought.
Jamie recently asked me if I had calmed down and could put this in the past. I don't think I can. How can we have a life together if I don't want to be a part of his family? -- APPALLED IN LIVONIA, MICH.
DEAR APPALLED: The answer is you can't, because you and Jamie have very different values. His father's behavior is sadistic, and his mother appears to feel that killing a pet is normal. Your fiance might like to think that all this can be smoothed over, but what happened at Christmas was your glimpse at the future. My advice is to end it now, before you wind up joining a clan whose sensitivities and values are so different from your own.
DEAR ABBY: I am grieving the death of my beloved mother. She was in her late 80s, and her friends who are still living were loyal in attending the visitation or the funeral, or sending a card.
However, my friends were absent and unresponsive, and it has left me feeling puzzled and deserted. I have always sent cards and responded to their family losses. Where were they in my time of need? Are they still my friends or not?
I must add that during the last year I went through a nasty divorce, and my former wife and her parents conducted a smear campaign against me. However, at the funeral, my former in-laws were in attendance. What do you think of this? -- DESERTED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR DESERTED: It's possible that your former in-laws showed up simply to pay their respects to someone they had known -- and presumably gotten along with -- for a long time. As to the friends upon whom you counted for support, and who were absent in your time of need, you are asking the wrong person. You should ask them why they ignored your mother's death, and if they consider themselves still to be your friends. It's not a rude question. You're entitled to an answer, and hearing the truth might be empowering.
DEAR ABBY: Several years ago I had a mastectomy. Whenever I tell people this, invariably the first question they ask is, "Which side?" Initially I was caught off guard and, without knowing what else to do, I'd tell them the answer. Then they would stare at my chest!
I don't know what possesses people to behave that way. It's absolutely none of their business and it's very offensive. I'd love it if you would pass the word along. Thank you! -- SURVIVOR IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SURVIVOR: Consider it passed. Readers, if someone tells you she (or he) has had a mastectomy, remember that personal questions can be an invasion of privacy, and keep your glance no lower than the jawline.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sunscreen Lets People Enjoy Sunshine on Their Shoulders
DEAR ABBY: I recently had to tell another patient, this time a husband and father, that the irregular-shaped mole on his shoulder was melanoma, the most serious form of skin cancer. Unfortunately, dermatologists see cases like this every day.
Despite outward appearances of being healthy, this man was a prime candidate for skin cancer. Unlike many of my patients, he had spent the better part of his youth swimming and playing baseball in the sun with his skin unprotected.
Regardless of age or skin type, everyone is at risk for developing skin cancer. Last year alone, there were 105,750 new cases of melanoma diagnosed in the United States. To avoid becoming part of that statistic, your readers need to be "sun smart" when they have fun in the sun. They need to do such things as generously apply sunscreen, wear protective clothing, seek shade, get vitamin D safely -- through a healthy diet or dietary supplement -- and AVOID TANNING BEDS.
As a dermatologist, I can attest that practicing sun safety and getting screened for skin cancer are the best ways to ensure lifelong healthy skin. Please help me spread the word, Abby. -- STEPHEN P. STONE, M.D., PRESIDENT, AMERICAN ACADEMY OF DERMATOLOGY
DEAR DR. STONE: I'm pleased to help, and thank you for your compassion and desire to protect my readers.
Folks, in addition to heeding Dr. Stone's suggestions, you can also take advantage of the American Academy of Dermatology's free skin cancer screening programs. Throughout the year, dermatologists provide free screenings to help educate the public about the importance of early detection of skin cancer. (The good news is, most skin cancers average a 95 percent cure rate if they are caught early.) To locate free screenings in your area, log onto � HYPERLINK "http://www.aad.org" ��www.aad.org� or call toll-free: (888) 462-3376.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old female and have recently realized that I am gay. I came out to my parents about a year ago, and they were loving and accepting. It wasn't a problem.
My problem is I am not ready to tell any of my close friends. I am waiting until college to come out. However, because I haven't come out, I still get a lot of male attention. I'm worried that constantly rejecting all guys will give my secret away. Thus, I am in a relationship with a boyfriend I do not love.
I know it's not fair to lie to him and pretend that I love him. I don't want to break his heart. I have already ended past relationships for "no reason" and have had to think up reasons to give to my friends. (Even my best friends have no idea, and I feel guilty about it.) I don't think I can lie one more time about its being the boy's fault, because each guy I have dated has been perfectly sweet.
My relationship with my current boyfriend is becoming quite serious, and though I like him as a friend, I'm not ready for the sex that we're beginning to talk about. I want out, but I'm not ready to COME out.
Please help me. I have never had a more confusing dilemma. -- IN THE CLOSET IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR IN THE CLOSET: You are under no obligation to disclose your sexual orientation until you are ready. However, it's time to stop lying to the young man you are dating. All you need to say is that you have decided not to have a serious relationship until you are in college. It is the truth, and you do not have to elaborate.
TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: Happy Easter, everyone!
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)