To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Wonderful Guy Steals Woman's Heart as Well as Her Money
DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old mother of three, a 2-, 3- and 4-year-old. I am no longer with their father. He never wanted to spend time with us.
It's not easy to find someone who will take on all this responsibility, especially someone in his 20s. I did meet this wonderful man in June 2004. His name is "Alex," and he's the best thing that ever happened to us. He treats us like his own family. I truly love him.
Well, "too good to be true" fits my situation perfectly. A couple of months ago, I found out Alex was stealing money from me. First, it was with my ATM card. I ended up cutting it up and throwing it away. After that, I started making Alex deposit his paychecks into my account. Then I found out he had forged two of my checks and cashed them. I know some of the money in the bank was his, but he never asked me or told me. Do you think what he did was OK because some of the money was his? Alex does. And what should I do about our relationship? -- CONFUSED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR CONFUSED: I know it's hard to find a man, but the "wonderful" man you met in 2004 is a thief and a forger. For your own sake and that of your children, you should give him whatever money you owe him and end this relationship now. Unless you do, he will continue to steal from you -- and heaven only knows what else.
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Diane," has always dated losers. The relationships have always ended badly. Stalkers, stuffed shirts, chauvinists -- you name it.
A few months ago, she started dating a man I'll call "Tim." I won't get into all of his nerve-wracking traits, although one of them seriously upsets me. The other day, Diane finally tried to dump him. Tim said OK, but called soon after saying he was going to kill himself by asphyxiating himself in his car, then he turned on the ignition. She heard his breathing get heavy and the phone went dead. She called the police, who found Tim several hours later in good physical health. He is in a "home" for now, but Diane still calls him. She says she wants to stay with him so he won't kill himself.
No one else in my family knows about this. She made me promise not to say anything. I desperately want to. But if I do, my sister will never trust me again. Please help me. I'm only 19, and I cry every night because I'm so scared for her. Tim gets out in a few days. I don't want him at our house. Talking hasn't helped at all. She refuses to listen to me. -- WORRIED SICK IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR WORRIED SICK: Some promises are made to be broken, and this is one of them. Because Tim has demonstrated that he is mentally unstable, your parents should be told immediately. You did not mention how old your sister is, but if she's living at home, your parents have a right to determine who is welcome and who is not.
DEAR ABBY: I'm being married in six months and am planning a small wedding with family and close friends only. What is your advice on the best way to respond when well-meaning acquaintances say things like, "I hope I'm invited!" When this happened, I was so surprised I just smiled and didn't respond. -- BRIDE-TO-BE
DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: Because someone says, "I hope I'm invited," does not mean you are on the hook to do so. Just smile and reply, "I'd love to invite you, but it's going to be a very small family affair."
Pancakes Made From Old Mix Cause Acute Allergic Reaction
DEAR ABBY: I recently made a batch of pancakes for my healthy 14-year-old son, using a mix that was in our pantry. He said that they tasted "funny," but ate them anyway. About 10 minutes later, he began having difficulty breathing and his lips began turning purple. I gave him his allergy pill, had him sit on the sofa and told him to relax. He was wheezing while inhaling and exhaling.
My husband, a volunteer firefighter and EMT, heated up some water, and we had my son lean over the water so the steam could clear his chest and sinuses. Soon, his breathing became more regular and his lips returned to a more normal color.
We checked the date on the box of pancake mix and, to my dismay, found it was very outdated. As a reference librarian at an academic institution, I have the ability to search through many research databases. I did just that, and found an article the next day that mentioned a 19-year-old male DYING after eating pancakes made with outdated mix. Apparently, the mold that forms in old pancake mix can be toxic!
When we told our friends about my son's close call, we were surprised at the number of people who mentioned that they should check their own pancake mix since they don't use it often, or they had purchased it some time ago. With so many people shopping at warehouse-type stores and buying large sizes of pancake mix, I hope your readers will take the time to check the expiration date on their boxes. -- SUE IN WYANTSKILL, N.Y.
DEAR SUE: Thank you for the warning. I certainly was not aware that pancake mix could turn moldy and cause an allergic reaction in someone with an allergy to mold -- but it's logical. I wonder if the same holds true for cake mix, brownie mix and cookie mix. If so, then a warning should be placed on the box for people like me.
We hear so often about discarding prescription and over-the-counter medications after their expiration dates, but I don't recall warnings about packaged items in the pantry. Heads up, folks!
DEAR ABBY: My mother has been a prescription drug addict for about 20 years. The problem I'm having is my 2-year-old son loves his "memaw" and wants to go over to her house on a regular basis.
When Mother is off the pills, she's a great parent and a fantastic and loving grandmother. When she's on the pills, she becomes a different person, and I don't want to subject my son to the things I witnessed as a child. She becomes very abusive when she's not sober. She also does things like slur her words and pass out.
Rehab doesn't work for her. She has been at least 20 times.
My son does not understand her actions. He thinks I am being mean when I tell him we can't go over there.
I have threatened my mother that she won't see her grandson if this behavior continues. She doesn't seem to care. In recent months she has been on methadone, trying to kick the habit, but has substituted methadone for the pills. Have you any suggestions? -- "MEAN MOMMY" IN N. CAROLINA
DEAR "MEAN MOMMY": Unless your mother is buying her methadone on the illicit market, she is on a program and under supervision -- which is a good thing. If you see evidence that she is a danger to your child, then it is your duty to cut off the contact. However, my addiction experts advise that you do not "threaten" unless you are prepared to follow through. (And you may need counseling yourself in order to stick by your word.)
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Opposites Attracted as Teens Are Losing Their Connection
DEAR ABBY: "Andrew" and I have been dating for about five years. We met just out of high school, when we were both young and still finding ourselves. But I have noticed that over the years, as we have grown and established our identities, we have become complete opposites.
First, our religious beliefs: Andrew and I were both raised Catholic. He hasn't practiced in years. When we met, I was going through a stage where I wasn't really practicing my religion either. But as I continued through college, I realized I needed religion back in my life and began going to church. I am now active in the church, and my religious and spiritual beliefs are important to me. Andrew, on the other hand, has no desire to go back and even says he has become an atheist.
Then there's our families: Andrew's family is very free-spirited. Not only are they opinionated and outspoken, they curse and talk about everything and anything. In contrast, my family is very reserved, well-mannered and gentle. We even pray before meals. Needless to say, our families do not mesh well and have had little contact.
I like chocolate; Andrew likes vanilla. I like merry-go-rounds; he likes roller-coasters. I like winter; he likes summer. I'm a worrier; he's carefree. I'm early; he's late. You name it -- we're opposites. It may have made for an exciting relationship when we were younger, but now that we're talking marriage and children, I don't see how this will work. Our core values are too different. I really do care for Andrew, and we have fun together, but is there any hope for the future? -- POLAR OPPOSITES, CHADDS FORD, PA.
DEAR POLAR OPPOSITES: Not with the negative mind-set you have displayed in your letter. Not once did you indicate that you are willing to fight for a future with this man. Unless you can figure out what you still have in common, I see little hope for a future with Andrew. The last thing either of you needs is to march down the aisle to the strains of "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off."
DEAR ABBY: I am at my wit's end with my husband, and I don't know what to do. It seems like lately he is finding fault with my kids over stupid stuff -- especially my soon-to-be 13-year-old son.
Mind you, my husband is not abusive -- but lately, every time my son forgets to do something, he threatens that he is going to kill him, yells that he's no longer my son's father until he straightens up, and on one occasion, he slammed my son into a wall.
I'm scared to death. I don't want my kids hurt (I have a 9-year-old son and a 6-year-old daughter as well), and I love my husband dearly, but I can't take this much longer. He has never acted this way before. So what could be the problem? -- TRYING TO UNDERSTAND IN MICHIGAN
DEAR TRYING TO UNDERSTAND: Your husband may be depressed, using drugs, stressed out at work or mentally ill. I don't blame you for being seriously concerned, because whatever the cause, he is losing control. You say he "isn't abusive," and yet the incidents you have described concerning your 13-year-old are examples of verbal and physical abuse.
The best advice I can offer you is to get your husband to a doctor for a thorough examination -- and a referral to a psychotherapist for evaluation. Because his change in behavior is recent, he could be in trouble.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)