For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR READERS: Today is April Fools' Day, and in honor of the occasion, I thought I'd share with you some unusual letters I've received. Anyone who reads my column knows that letters can be funny because of the content, but sometimes they are also amusing because of the spelling. Cross my heart, these are all real. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am 18 years old and I have a 6-month-old child. If you're thinking that I wasn't ready for that, you are correct. But I agreed to try my hardest at being a father.
Recently, though, rumors of my ex-girlfriend cheating on me reached my ears. By the time I heard, we had been broken up for nearly three months. Rumors of the child not being mine have also gotten back to me.
I am taking one of those maternity tests in May, and if the results come out negative, the child might not be mine. How should I talk to my ex if the child isn't mine? I'm worried about confronting her. -- WORRIED IN MONTANA
DEAR WORRIED: If the results are negative, it may not be necessary for you to confront her. In fact, it might be better if your lawyer did it for you. (The consultation may be expensive, but believe me, it will be worth every penny.)
DEAR ABBY: My brother is bipolar and sometimes says and does things that are off-the-wall. He thinks someone steals his whole-kernel corn and leaves the cream-style.
To make a long story short, I keep missing whole-kernel corn from my pantry, and I know who's doing it as a practical joke. But how do I handle the situation without coming across as crazy? -- JOANN FROM TEXAS
DEAR JOANN: Buy frozen corn -- and hope the guilty party doesn't check your freezer.
DEAR ABBY: I have a sister-in-law, "Mary." We have known each other for years. Mary lives in California, but she often sends us e-mail, and each time she does she always misspells my name as "Ritha." (My name is Rita!) I have tried pointing this out, but she continues to do it. How can I make it clear that my name is spelt Rita without appearing too rude? -- RITA IN NEW YORK
DEAR RITA: Because you have already spoken to your sister-in-law about it, you might be able to get your message across if you start spelling her name "Marye" or "Marey." Or, you can decide that what's in the message is more important than how your name is "spelt." I recommend the latter.
DEAR ABBY: This is a warning for any visitor to Illinois who is unfortunate enough to use the rest stops -- DON'T!
In case you find it absolutely necessary, here are some tips: Be prepared! Bring your own toilet paper. You can hook it on the door on the purse hanger. A bucket, some cleaning solution and a mop would also be convenient if the person ahead of you was not considerate.
In addition, I believe the women of Illinois should bring their used catalogs and newspapers and supply these ladies rooms for the unfortunate and unprepared. Since someone in this state is of an "outhouse" mentality, it would temporarily ease the problem.
I know the governor is trying to save money, and probably some fool thinks this is the answer. May the guilty party be cursed by desperately attempting to remove enough toilet paper and be rewarded with a square inch -- as I was! -- OUTRAGED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR OUTRAGED: I'm printing your plea and your warning. But if anyone in the administration is trying to save money by skimping on toilet paper in the women's rest rooms, I can tell you this -- it's not a woman.
Daughter's Prince Charming Has Transformed Into a Frog
DEAR ABBY: My daughter "Lulu" moved in with a man I'll call Al a year and a half ago, telling us this was the man she was going to marry and spend the rest of her life with. So my husband and I welcomed him to the family.
They now have a baby, and still there has been no wedding. Al came to us eight months ago to ask our permission to ask Lulu to marry him. We consented. He appears to have had convenient memory loss about asking and -- without going into details -- has proven himself to be extremely self-centered, controlling, and a negative influence on what was once our happy, outgoing daughter.
We now realize that Al is someone we don't care to have in our family, and we'd like to know how (if it's possible) to rescind our blessing on their marriage. -- CHANGED OUR MINDS DOWN SOUTH
DEAR CHANGED OUR MINDS: If I were you, I wouldn't raise the subject of marriage with Al at all. Your daughter's lover appears to be in no hurry to make any trips to the altar. Do, however, "mention" to your daughter that you had hoped she'd find a husband who would cherish her and make her happier than Al seems to have. Be sure to let her know that if she changes her mind about him, you'll welcome her back home with open arms. That way, she'll know she still has a choice.
DEAR ABBY: My problem is that my mother is a control freak. I was raised to respect my parents, but I have just about had it with her controlling ways. She wants to dictate my hair length, color and style, my weight, my love life, what car I drive, what job I have and where I live.
My mother wants me to date only doctors. She has even threatened to cut me out of her will if I "settle" (her word) for someone who doesn't have a medical degree. I was interested in a man who owned his own business, but she made me so miserable that I simply stopped dating.
I want to respect her because she is my mother, and I know she loves me. Can you help me figure out how to get her to back off and let me live my life my way? By the way, I am 41. -- PEACEFUL REBEL IN OHIO
DEAR PEACEFUL REBEL: I'll try. Start by talking with a licensed mental health professional, preferably one who specializes in helping young adults to "individuate" from controlling parents. Once you have a firm grasp of who you are, and what your proper boundaries are, you will be able to confront your mother. After that, you may want to consider relocation, because your mother is off the charts, and she's not likely to change.
DEAR ABBY: I'm planning to host a dinner party next month and invite a few of my friends. I plan for this to be a "girls' night." (We are all between 18 and 23.)
My problem is that most, if not all, of my friends live with their cell phones attached to their ears! As can be expected, most of the calls have to deal with boy drama. I'd like for the evening to be free of all that. How can I politely let my guests know that I'd prefer they don't answer calls at the dinner table? -- POLITE HOSTESS-TO-BE IN TEXAS
DEAR HOSTESS-TO-BE: When you issue the invitations, tell your friends it will be a cell phone-free, ladies-only dinner party. Then, if anyone brings one, you're within your rights to ask her to turn it off, and no one should be offended. (It's called "heading them off at the pass"!)
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughter Looking for Mother's Love Finds Her Own Happiness
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Worried Friend" prompted me to write. She said her friend "Anne" was in her 40s and still vainly trying to get her mother's approval and love. I, too, allowed my mother to dominate my thoughts and my life. She never approved of who I am. Although I have four successful adult children and have had a successful 28-year career as an educator, nothing I did was ever good enough for Mother.
It took me years to realize that nothing I can do will ever bring her happiness. She didn't find it in her life. But I refuse to let her take away the joy I find in mine.
Anne has more than served her time as a loving daughter. Now it's time for her to live. Love is all around us, and if our mothers cannot provide it, we must seek it elsewhere. -- LOVING, BUT DETACHED, IN MISSISSIPPI
DEAR LOVING BUT DETACHED: I agree, but no amount of "telling" that to Anne will free her from her mother's control until she reaches a point where she's ready to hear it. All of the letters I received on this subject echo your sentiments. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My mother is like the one described in "Worried Friend's" letter. When I was 56, I finally acknowledged that Mom's criticism and loathing of me increased proportionately with my efforts to make her happy.
We are now estranged. She lives with my only sibling, a sister, who is furious with me for no longer maintaining the status quo. After the break I struggled with depression, sought psychotherapy and was prescribed anti-depressant medication. Now, a year and a half later, I am healthier emotionally and physically than I have ever been. My life is now based on what is best for me, my husband and my son, who have always loved me for who I am.
I wish Anne the strength and resolve to change, because her mother never will. -- STANDING TALL, SURPRISE, ARIZ.
DEAR ABBY: My heart goes out to Anne. I, too, wanted my mother's approval and never got it. After Mother died, without realizing what I was doing, I tried seeking approval from my sister -- who was just like our mother. Finally, I realized I will never get approval from her, either.
Because of this long-time-coming realization, I now have peace of mind. Each day is happier because I approve of myself. I have started doing all the things I wanted and needed to do that make me happy.
Please tell Anne's friend to help her to love and approve of herself. It's what saved me. -- HAPPY AT LAST IN UTAH
DEAR ABBY: I had a friend like Anne, whose mother made her life miserable by withholding love and approval. It nearly drove her crazy, until one day her mother died. Anne was 50 by then and had been a doormat all that time for her mother, her daughter, her son and their spouses.
Out of the blue she called me and said she was moving to New Mexico and starting her life over. She and her husband sold their house, packed their van and their dogs, and went to live in a completely new place. I hear from her every few months. While life has had its ups and downs, she's happier than she has ever been in her whole life. I hope Anne's friend doesn't give up on her; she may just be waiting to be set free. -- LAURIE IN PENNSYLVANIA
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)