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Eye Candy Holds No Beauty for Overweight Receptionist
DEAR ABBY: I weigh 327 pounds. I'm 5 feet 11 inches tall, and I carry it better than most. I'm trying to diet to improve my health, but I crave sweets.
I am employed as a receptionist. My desk is behind an L-shaped counter, which is eye level above my computer screen. My boss insists on putting a candy dish right above my computer monitor, directly in front of me. I have tried moving it to the ends of the counter, out of my range of vision, and I have tried placing it on the end tables in the reception area, but he moves it back again.
Abby, my boss is a small person. If he was a girl, he'd be called "petite." He doesn't battle weight like I do, nor does he seem to crave sweets the way I do. I sometimes work 10 or 12 hours a day, and it's torture. I have talked to him about it, and he just laughed. I need my job and can't afford to lose it. Do you have a clever way I can get the point across? -- CONSTANTLY TEMPTED IN CANTON, OHIO
DEAR TEMPTED: The real problem, however, isn't your boss; it is your compulsive eating. An organization that has been mentioned in my column before -- Overeaters Anonymous -- could give you support and help for the problem. Over the years it has helped thousands of men and women overcome the compulsion to binge. There are more than 8,000 OA chapters in 58 countries, and the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop eating compulsively. There are chapters in almost every city, but if you have difficulty locating one, log on to www.overeatersanonymous.org, or send a long SASE to OA World Service Office, P.O. Box 44020, Rio Rancho, NM 87174-4020. They will help you regain control.
It appears your "little" boss has a sadistic sense of humor. On lunch breaks and your other break time, get out of the office and walk. Also, use NOT touching the candy as a way of showing the man who's boss.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing concerning my daughter, who is 10. She signed up to play basketball, but now she cries when she has to go to practice or to games, and says she wants to stop playing.
Her mother and I are divorced. Her mom says it's OK for her to quit, but I was raised believing that when you start something you should finish it. Now it looks like I am the bad guy. Should I let her go ahead and quit, or make her finish? -- THE BAD GUY, CIRCLEVILLE, OHIO
DEAR BAD GUY: Before making your final decision, talk with your daughter and find out what's going on at those basketball games and practices that's driving her to tears. She may have a good reason for wanting to quit. However, if she does quit, she should replace basketball with another sport or pastime that will keep her active -- such as dance, self-defense, gymnastics, etc.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old Jewish girl. At least, I THINK I am. My parents told me I was Jewish. My father is Catholic and my mother was Jewish before she converted when I was 10. Some people say I am Jewish, and others say I'm not. I hope I am. What do you say? -- 14 AND WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: I don't know what religion you are practicing, but Jewish ancestry is matrilineal -- traced through the mother. Therefore, you could be considered Jewish if you WANT to be. According to the "Jewish Book of Why" by Alfred J. Kolatch (Jonathan David Publishers Inc.): "A child born of a Jewish mother is considered Jewish regardless of the future actions of the mother or father. The child's Jewishness is considered his or her natural right, one that cannot be denied by the action of either parent."
Hospice Can Help Make Dying a Loving Acceptance of Loss
DEAR ABBY: "Overwhelmed in Arizona" wrote that she is helping her dad care for her dying mother, and feels isolated and overwhelmed by her feelings. She said: "The doctors now say there's nothing more they can do. Basically, Mom is at home waiting to die." You recommended an American Cancer Society support group.
Please invite her to explore hospice. Hospice lovingly accompanies patients, together with their families, during their final stage(s) of a terminal illness. While attending to the pain management needs of the patient, hospice also nurtures both patient and family through this difficult time, addressing all aspects (medical, nursing, social work and spiritual care) for all involved. Hospice makes dying about how you LIVE, all of you, in relationship with one another. And that very much includes those who will survive and have to come to terms with their loss. Many hospice organizations provide bereavement care and counseling to anyone who is grieving the death of a loved one.
By turning to hospice, "Overwhelmed" can shortly turn into "Loved and Nurtured in Arizona." -- VIOLA IN SEVERNA PARK, MD.
DEAR VIOLA: Thank you for reminding me about hospice and the important work it does. Hospice is a service for patients who have been told by two physicians they have six months or less to live. It is paid for by Medicare, most of the time at no cost to the patient, and non-Medicare patients can receive care through private insurance. (People without insurance are usually entitled to services for free, or at a reduced rate.) It is listed in the phone book under hospice or palliative care, or log onto www.hospicenet.org, www.hospicefoundation.org. or www.caringinfo.org.
Read on:
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from the girl who said that she and her father were unable to talk about the mother dying of cancer, I had to write.
Imagine how isolated that poor mother must feel! I have survived two rounds of cancer in spite of the fact that I was not expected to. When I told my daughter (I am divorced) that I'd had a recurrence this year, she told me she was angry with me, because I have been "trying to die on her" for most of her life!
I can tell you from firsthand experience that the mother needs to hear it's all right for her to die, and that her daughter and husband love her, but will carry on and be fine. She needs to talk about the good times they have shared -- review photographs, movies, trips, etc. She needs hugs, body contact. Dying is lonely, cold and final. You feel that you have let your family down, disappointed them, and that they are terribly inconvenienced by your not being there for them. -- SHIRLEY IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
DEAR SHIRLEY: Thank you for an extremely informative letter. I hope that those who read it will take what you have written to heart. I often hear from people who say they don't know how to act or what to say when someone is stricken with terminal illness. A young woman who is battling cancer put the answer succinctly in a letter to me: "I may have cancer, but I'm still the same person. I want my friends to talk to me like they always have, and about the same things."
As to your daughter, I think in a clumsy way she was trying to tell you she loves you. She's not mad at you for being sick. She's angry and probably frightened that the disease that has taken over your life twice is back again, and this time you may not be able to beat it. If she didn't love you, her reaction would have been indifference.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Computer Bully of a Husband Needs Kick in His Hard Drive
DEAR ABBY: I'm confused about my husband's behavior. He is very smart and works as a computer programmer. Whenever I have a problem with my computer and ask him to help me with it, he gets mad and rants and raves about how he "told me how to fix the problem months ago," or insists that I really should "know" how to fix it or figure it out myself.
After years of feeling like a twit any time I asked for his help on computer-related problems, I started taking my computer to be professionally repaired or upgraded any time there was a problem. Then he started complaining to me for having it worked on when he could do the work himself!
I don't know what to do. If I ask for help, he gets mad and belittles me for not knowing how to fix it myself, but I get the same treatment if I have it done by someone else. Is there a way out of this no-win situation? -- DARNED IF I DO, DARNED IF I DON'T, SANFORD, FLA.
DEAR DARNED: By now it should be clear to you that your problem has nothing to do with computers. Your computer-whiz of a husband takes out his frustrations by verbally abusing you. The way out of this no-win situation is to get to the bottom of what's REALLY "bugging" him. My advice is to drag him to a marriage counselor or drop him before you're beaten down altogether.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old boy and I'm having a girl problem. I'm in middle school, and there's a girl in my class, "Tara," who likes me. I like Tara as a friend. She has asked me out a few times and I have said, "No, I can't date until I'm 16."
In the meantime, I like a girl named "Amber" who goes to the same school. We're not really friends, but we have talked to each other. I have been told by my neighbor, who is on the same softball team as Amber, that she likes me. I'd like to ask Amber out when I can, but I don't want to hurt Tara's feelings. What do I do? -- TORN IN ALBANY, CALIF.
DEAR TORN: I respect the fact that you are a sensitive young man with a conscience. This predicament should have taught you that even a small lie can assume gigantic proportions and eventually bite you in the fanny. If you intend to ask Amber out any time soon, you should first have a chat with Tara and explain that you weren't entirely truthful with her regarding your parents' restriction on dating. Tell her that you like her as a friend -- and hope you will always be friends -- but you would not be comfortable dating her -- at least not right now. (Which leaves the door open for you to date her in the future, if you ever change your mind.)
DEAR ABBY: When someone gives a wedding or Christmas gift of wine or uncooked meat, are you supposed to have the giver over for dinner when you serve it? Please note that they were not intended to be served or cooked at the time the gift was given.
My husband and I are unsure about what to do, but we lean in opposite directions on what is proper. -- "CASSIE" IN PITTSFIELD, MASS.
DEAR "CASSIE": When a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient to do with as he or she chooses. No rule of etiquette obligates you to share it with the giver.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
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