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Co Worker's Caustic Remarks Deserve Management's Notice
DEAR ABBY: A new co-worker seemed to be a nice person and potential friend when she was hired. However, after a few months, she began making comments to me or about me in front of others. Sometimes they are good-natured, but more often they are insulting -- although presented as a "joke." I feel this is inappropriate, especially in the workplace.
I have heard that this is a type of bullying where, if the victim objects, then the perpetrator belittles him or her as being "oversensitive," thus adding salt to the wound. I have noticed that people who play this little mind game on others can dish it out but can't take it when someone retaliates. I've seen this happen in families where one sibling is scapegoated and picked on.
I don't want to waste energy playing games, but I don't want to be a victim, either, so I have decided to ignore the comments and/or interrupt her by changing the subject or making an excuse to leave the room. Have you any other suggestions? -- NOT A VICTIM
DEAR NOT A VICTIM: When someone is ridiculed in the workplace, it usually isn't intended to be a joke, nor is it funny. It is intended to make the person appear less effective. I do have another suggestion. Report it to your supervisor or office manager, and explain she is making you uncomfortable. If her "witticisms" fall under a protected category (gender, religion, race, sexual orientation), she could be creating a hostile work environment and management needs to be made aware of it.
DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for two years and am now dating a lady I'll call Heidi. I have tickets to a rock concert in Las Vegas. I work and earn a modest income. Heidi works and also makes a modest income. Heidi thinks I should pay for her airline ticket or not go to the concert.
I want to go, and I want her blessing, but I can't afford her airfare. Is she being jealous and controlling? Are there any single women out there who would like to go and pay for their own airline ticket? Help! -- STUCK IN VIRGINIA
DEAR STUCK: The answers to your questions are yes and yes. However, if another woman accompanies you to that concert, you will no longer have to concern yourself with whether Heidi is jealous or controlling -- because I predict she will be history.
DEAR ABBY: I am the youngest of four children. My eldest brother died when he was an infant. But in our family it is like he never existed. My father always describes us as his three children, but my mother will talk about him a little.
Is it something I can mention when asked, "Do you have any siblings?" Can I mention my invisible brother? Should I say I am the youngest of four and leave it at that, or should I go with what my parents have always said -- the youngest of three? -- UNSURE IN BREMERTON, WASH.
DEAR UNSURE: It would be less confusing if you were to reply the way your parents do -- that you are the youngest of three children. When you get to know people better, to the point that you get to know their family history, you can then discuss the tragedy your parents faced when they lost their first child.
P.S. I am guessing that your parents do not discuss their firstborn because the subject is still painful.
Stepfather's Lewd Language Drives Daughters From Home
DEAR ABBY: My mother is married to a pervert I'll call "Harry." He has destroyed our family. Harry has made sexual comments to my sister and me about our bodies until we finally moved out of our mother's home when we reached 18. His behavior stopped for a long time, until my daughter, "Allie," began to develop. After she turned 11, the sexual comments started again. Harry also began calling her names, and saying that if she were his daughter he would slap her mouth.
It has reached the point that we no longer visit Mother nor do we attend family functions. At the last one we attended, Harry kept staring at Allie and following her around. It made her sick to her stomach, so we went home.
My grandmother died last December. She was very ill the last six months, but we would see her only when she was in the hospital because Mother and Harry live in the house next door to hers, and he kept showing up when I was there.
Now my grandfather is all alone. I'd like for my children and me to be able to visit, but again -- Harry is always there. I have tried talking to my mother, but it's one excuse after another. I had hoped she would have a relationship with her grandchildren, but we can't invite her to our home for a picnic or a party because she won't come without him. Please help. -- HEARTSICK IN BUFFALO
DEAR HEARTSICK: If your grandfather isn't already aware of the problem with Harry, he should be told. You do not have to visit him at his house; you can pick him up and take him out for a meal or take him to your home. If you haven't already resigned yourself to the fact that your mother isn't going to have a relationship with your children, please rethink the wisdom of her having one. You have described a woman who tolerated the sexual harassment of her two daughters and grandchild. She made her choice long ago, and you are all better off keeping your distance from her and her husband.
DEAR ABBY: I'm ready to tear my hair out. My boyfriend of two years refuses to divorce his wife. He tells everyone he wants to marry me. He says he doesn't love her, he just "doesn't have time" to go and get the divorce.
She was in a mental hospital for a while for killing her boyfriend. Now they talk a lot, and he says he feels sorry for her. I want him to get the divorce so he can marry me.
Am I pushing too hard on this, because I told him if he isn't divorced by July 4, I am leaving. -- CONFUSED IN INDIANA
DEAR CONFUSED: I don't think you're pushing too hard, and I also don't think he is being completely honest with you. Your timing seems logical to me. What better time to declare your independence than Independence Day?
DEAR ABBY: Twice now, I have inquired about the beautiful accents of strangers. One was a cashier and the other was a bank employee. Both seemed embarrassed and unwilling to reveal their country of origin.
Was this attempt to show personal interest actually a tactless invasion? Is there a rule of etiquette on this subject? I never meant to put anyone on the spot. -- SEAN IN AFTON, VA.
DEAR SEAN: Some people are sensitive about revealing their background because of the circumstances that brought them to this country -- war, poverty, torture, loss of family members. Although your question was well meant, it is better to let time pass, let them get to know you, and get to know them before venturing into such personal territory. If they want you to have the information, they will volunteer it. It should not be necessary to ask.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
BRIDE PLANNING FOR HER FUTURE WANTS ALL OF HUSBAND'S ESTATE
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Rita," and I have been together almost two years, and living together for about a year. We have decided to marry, but have not yet set a date.
Recently our marriage plans have run aground because I told her that I had made changes in my estate planning. I assigned Rita as my 100 percent beneficiary for my savings/retirement benefits. She will also get 75 percent of my state retirement benefits; my sister will get the other 25 percent. In addition, I also had my $100,000 life insurance policy increased to $300,000. I allocated one-third of that for her, the rest to my parents. (Until recently, she had not been assigned a percentage of anything.)
Rita is very upset that I did not make her my sole beneficiary. She says that "traditionally," a spouse leaves everything to the other spouse. She says that by assigning her less than 100 percent, I have not made her the No. 1 priority in my life. Based on your knowledge and experience, is her request reasonable, or am I headed for disaster? -- GETTING WORRIED IN RANCHO MURRIETA, CALIF.
DEAR GETTING WORRIED: Let me put it this way. You should not be faulted for wanting to make sure that your parents and your sister are taken care of if anything should happen to you. It appears your girlfriend has a calculator where her heart ought to be. If I were you, I'd run for the hills.
DEAR ABBY: A close friend of mine -- my college roommate -- is being married in three months. Because we are close, he asked me to be one of his groomsmen.
The problem is, I do not approve of the woman he is marrying. She's controlling, talks down to him, and degrades him in front of family and friends. I think she is just plain cold-hearted. She is the same way with friends and family. He makes excuses for her behavior, so I know he sees it as well.
Should I still stand up in his wedding, even though I don't think they should be married? If I don't, it is sure to put extreme stress on our friendship. I have tried to talk to him, but he doesn't seem to hear me. Help! -- RED FLAGS IN OHIO
DEAR RED FLAGS: It takes character to take a stand and do what is right. Being a member of the wedding party implies that you endorse the marriage. Because you cannot do that, you need to level with your friend, and explain that because you care so much for him and his future, you cannot be in his wedding. Do it soon, so you can be replaced without a hassle.
DEAR ABBY: When taking advantage of a restaurant's offer of "buy one meal, get one free," what is the proper way to calculate the tip? Should a percentage be calculated on the price of the first meal only, for which the diners are actually billed, or for the value of the two meals combined? Also, what is the current tip percentage for adequate service? (A free dinner is riding on your answer!) -- STUCK FOR THE TIP
DEAR STUCK: The current tip percentage for "adequate" service in a restaurant is 15 percent. And, when taking advantage of the "buy one, get one free" offer, you should calculate the tip as though you had actually paid for the two meals. (It's called not stiffing the server.)
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)