For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Genetic Testing May Reveal Son Is Not Husband's Child
DEAR ABBY: My heart is pounding and I'm at my wit's end. This situation is difficult to explain. I'm afraid that other readers may be facing the same horror that I'm dealing with, so please advise us on how to handle an extremely delicate situation.
My husband has it in his head to do genetic testing for "genealogy" purposes. It isn't cheap. One of the places he wants testing from charges a couple of hundred dollars. He has asked me to have it done, too. I told him I wasn't interested and I thought it was too expensive.
Now he wants to have our 17-year-old son tested. I have argued that our son should not have his DNA on record anywhere, that he really needs both parents to give consent for testing, and it costs too much.
The horror I really have is that, 18 years ago, I made an awful mistake. I don't know if my husband is the father of our son. I'm having panic attacks about his finding out how awful I was 18 years ago.
Can you issue advice that these DNA tests should not be used on minor children, and that there are powerful reasons why not? Can you think of any other reasons I can give for not having him tested so I can convince my husband to drop the idea? Please don't reveal where we live. You can say it's Minnesota. -- IN A PANIC!
DEAR IN A PANIC!: Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. (And no, I didn't coin the phrase.)
Although you have my sympathy, I think it takes a lot of gall to ask me to lie in my column. I cannot come up with a reason why your son should not be tested because there are reasons why everyone should be -- particularly before having children. (Two of them are Tay-Sachs and sickle-cell anemia.) I have news for you. Your husband already has his suspicions about whether he fathered the boy. That's why he's determined to have him tested. If I were you, I'd take a few deep breaths and come clean before the guano hits the fan -- and that's the best advice I can offer. Confession is good for the soul.
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a committed relationship for five years with a woman who disagrees with me about something and won't let the subject drop. Several years ago, I put my family home on the market. I accepted an early offer. My partner told me I was "naive" and selling the house for too little. I took her advice and pulled out of the deal.
A couple of months later, I sold the house for $80,000 more than the previous offer. My partner says I owe her the $80,000 because she "earned" it for me.
Although she says she would not have accepted such an offer from me, she feels I should've offered to give her that amount. I believe if she had my best interests at heart, to say nothing of the interests of our relationship, she would never have even thought such a thing. What is your take on this? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN FLORIDA
DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: It appears you have partnered up with a greedy woman. Not only was it wrong of her to think of such a thing, it is wrong of her to keep harping on it. Of course she would have taken the money if you had offered it. From my perspective, all you "owe" her is a heartfelt thank-you.
Wife's Cover Up of Premarital Affair Was Betrayal of Trust
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Hurt and Sad in Trenton," whose wife slept with a married man before they were married, stunk.
"Hurt's" wife should have said right from the start: "This is who I am; this is where I've been. Take me as I am or let's go our separate ways." If she'd been honest, he'd have no cause to complain.
Reflecting back on years spent in ignorance turns happy marriages bitter, as one realizes one was played for a fool. Suddenly the "innocent" nights out of old assume an ominous character. Is it not better to risk a relationship at the beginning by telling the truth, than to risk its implosion years later when the truth will come out?
"Hurt" deserved sympathy, not an attack. His wife betrayed his trust, not with sex before she met him, but with lies afterward. -- NORTH OF TRENTON
DEAR NORTH OF TRENTON: I did not "attack" the writer of that letter. I advised him to stop the name-calling and get religious and psychological counseling -- although I may have made a few other points along the way. Perhaps you would like to sample the reactions of other male readers to that letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The man who wrote that letter is an idiot. You were right to tell him his wife deserves better. His lofty ideals seem to take precedence over all else, and his comments do not portend a bright future for them.
To paraphrase your words: The place for a good wife (or husband) is neither on a pedestal nor in the gutter. It's on a comfy sofa, each with an arm around the other -- cuddling and secure in the knowledge of the love they share. -- GARY IN WORCESTER, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: I, too, have been married 15 years. We also have two children. I, too, recently learned about my wife having an affair with a married man, but it happened during the last year or so. I never strayed -- not once. She betrayed my love for her, and I'm a train wreck. "Hurt and Sad" should walk in my shoes. He was by no means betrayed by something that happened before he knew his wife. Unlike mine, his wife has honored her marriage vows.
The problem in their marriage is his Middle Ages attitude that regards women as chattel. His wife is not a used car. He needs a therapist, badly, and I happen to know a good one who is helping me through the toughest time of my life. Oh, and since I live only one town away from him, tell "Hurt and Sad" that if he's tossing his "slut" into the "gutter," let me know where and when. I'd be more than happy to embrace his "dirty laundry." She sounds like just the person I'm searching for to restore my trust. -- DEVASTATED IN PRINCETON, N.J.
DEAR ABBY: It seems to me that "Hurt and Sad" is looking for a way out, a justifiable excuse to prove to his Catholic family and friends that divorce was "unavoidable." He says he'll stay for the children, but peppers her with accusations. Maybe he's hoping she'll be verbally abused into filing for divorce so he will be off the hook.
He needs to stop hiding behind the church and start following all of the Catholic faith, not just those beliefs he agrees with. Her sins are only to be resolved between her and her God. She does not need her husband's "almighty" grace. If he's as perfect as he insinuates, I'll be the first to nominate him for sainthood. -- VIC IN DALLAS
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen Working for Neighbor May Have Done More Than Odd Jobs
DEAR ABBY: I think my grandson lives next door to me, but I'm not sure. I can't sleep at night wondering and worrying.
About two years ago, my neighbor kept inviting my then-18-year-old son over to help her do odd jobs while her husband was at work. He seemed happy to help out, and she always gave him some money for the jobs. A few months later, she and her husband announced they were expecting.
I work with this man's ex-wife, and she confided to me once that she never had children because he couldn't give her any. To me, this could mean that the husband knows he's not the father, or maybe that they used my son as an unintentional sperm donor. The little boy looks a lot like my son did at that age. Should I confront him about the affair and possible parenthood? He may be unaware that he fathered the child. -- SUSPICIOUS IN ILLINOIS
DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I don't know if "confronting" your son on the subject would be warmly received, but you are certainly entitled to discuss your concerns with your son and find out if they are well-founded. Whatever happens -- or doesn't happen -- after that is up to your son.
DEAR ABBY: My 12-year-old daughter was invited to a classmate's birthday party today. When I asked for the details of the party, she told me it was a slumber party. Here's the kicker: The classmate in question is a boy!
As my shock dissipates, I'm suddenly reminded that the times sure are a-changin', and that even younger parents like me need to brace themselves. (I am 32.) I don't consider myself oblivious, but boy, do I suddenly feel that way. I don't feel it is at all appropriate for my child, but I'm interested in what you and your readers have to say about this. -- PERPLEXED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR PERPLEXED: The times may be a-changin', but they ain't a-changin' THAT much. It's the duty of a conscientious parent to do what is right for his or her child, even if it isn't a popular decision. By that, I mean that every family has different standards, and it's up to the parents to enforce them. The excuse, "But everyone else is doing it," does not mean that your child must. Remember that when the pressure is on, and it seems the whole world is going crazy. It'll keep you balanced.
DEAR ABBY: I am a professional man in my early 40s. When I was in my late teens, I started losing my hair. By the time I was 22, I was almost completely bald.
Someone suggested that I get a wig, so I did. I have been wearing it for years. Now, however, I'm uncomfortable with the wig. I think it's obvious that it's not my own hair, and I'm self-conscious about it.
I'd like to stop wearing the wig, but I wonder what my co-workers will think. Also, my mother tells me that my head is shaped a little "funny." But I feel like a fraud when I'm wearing the darn thing. What do you suggest? -- BALD IN BALTIMORE
DEAR BALD: If ever there was a time when bald was "in," it is now. And that's to your advantage. My advice to you is to have a "coming out party," invite your friends and co-workers, and attend the way God made you. I'm betting the only reaction you'll get is the comment, "What took you so long?"
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)