To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Lying Becomes a Kindness to Victims of Alzheimer's
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to "Sad in California," who is uncomfortable lying to her elderly mother, who has Alzheimer's, about the fact that her husband died. Your answer was correct.
I am a therapist. Years ago, I was a consultant to nursing homes. Once, I was called in to see a woman in the middle stages of Alzheimer's who had adjusted well to the nursing home. Suddenly, however, she had become depressed and began having daily crying jags. I went in to speak to the woman, and the first thing she asked me was, "Is my husband coming to see me today?" (Her husband had been dead 20 years.)
Upon checking with staff, I found that in the past, staff working with her had always answered, "Yes, I believe he will be in later." Recently, however, a new supervisor had been hired who did not approve of lying, so she made staff start telling the woman each time she asked that her husband was dead. Naturally, each time she heard it, she became upset, believing he had died just that day and she was hearing it for the first time.
Fortunately, the supervisor was open to suggestions, and everyone went back to saying the husband would be in "later." It made the woman happy each time she heard it, and she lived the rest of her days believing her husband was just running a little late. -- PAULA C., WOOSTER, OHIO
DEAR PAULA: Your anecdote makes sense to me. One of the frustrations of writing this column is that I can't print more of the terrific letters I receive on a subject. I received a bushel regarding the letter you referenced. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm a social worker. After 25 years in the field, I have found that everyone needs to be told of deaths -- but they need to be told only once. Someone with short-term memory problems does not need to be reminded every time they ask, as it is painful. But everyone deserves the dignity of grieving for a loved one at least one time. Death is a part of life, as so many of our elders with dementia understand. -- SUSAN IN DULUTH, MINN.
DEAR ABBY: I worked in an Alzheimer's unit for two years before going to nursing school. There is nothing sadder than having to tell someone as many as 10 times a day that they lost someone they love. Each time, they are hearing it for the first time. They are never able to progress in the grieving process, and there is never any closure for them. There's no good answer to that question, but yours is the best solution. -- JENNIFER IN RALEIGH, N.C.
DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago, I worked at a care facility. We had one very active man with Alzheimer's. His ex-wife died suddenly (he thought they were still married). The Social Service workers and his family decided to tell him. Then they found out they had to KEEP telling him, often 12 or more times a day! It was a nightmare for him, his family and the staff, and it lasted for several months -- until his meds were adjusted and he calmed down. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. "Ignorance is bliss" is darned smart advice in a case like that. -- TRUDY IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ABBY: When my grandmother died, her younger sister, Rose, was alive, but with Alzheimer's. I sat behind Aunt Rose at the graveside. After a while, she asked whose funeral it was. I told her Ethel had died, and she started to cry. A little while later, she asked again whose funeral it was.
When we went back to Mom and Dad's after the funeral, Aunt Rose said it was "such a nice party." She asked where Ethel was. We told her that Ethel couldn't come -- and Aunt Rose had a wonderful time. Enough said? -- JOAN IN SAN FRANCISCO
Teen's Angry Outbursts Raise Red Flags for Concerned Uncle
DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, you helped me with an unhappy relationship I was in. I took your advice, and it made a big improvement in my life. I am now engaged to a wonderful woman, and we're very happy. I never thought I would have to write you again.
Abby, I am seeing some behavior in my 15-year-old nephew that has me worried. He's a "high achiever" and, basically, a pretty good kid. Maybe he's under stress from school or sports, but he has been having some shocking, angry outbursts. Whether against his parents, his brother or his girlfriend, he will fly into a rage. He shouts, pounds his fists on the table, slams doors (breaking a glass pane) and storms out of the house. I saw him shove his brother during a recent argument, and I have heard him threaten to put his fist through a wall. Luckily, he hasn't followed through.
He doesn't have a history of causing trouble, and these angry outbursts don't happen all the time. I know you have a booklet about controlling anger. Do you think it might help him, and how can I order one? -- WORRIED UNCLE, ANNAPOLIS, MD.
DEAR WORRIED UNCLE: We all have moments when we react without thinking. Your nephew is young, and his problem could be caused by a number of things -- including immaturity, lack of self-control and raging hormones. If you have a good level of communication with him, the first thing you should do is have a talk with him and ask what's really going on.
If he is not having emotional or substance abuse problems, my anger booklet might be helpful to him. It contains constructive information about anger and suggestions for defusing it in healthy ways. It can be ordered by sending a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been house-sitting -- and paying rent -- for a retired couple for the last six months. They are traveling in an RV, so I moved into the spare room, collect their mail and keep their house in order.
They come back to town every few weeks so one or both of them stays a night at the home. This was OK until last night.
The husband wasn't supposed to be at the house. I was expecting him tonight because he has a doctor's appointment tomorrow. When I came home and saw him there, I was a little surprised. I was tired from a hard day at work, so I went to bed early. This morning, I awoke at 6:15 to my door opening. The husband came into my room, said he was cold, and jumped into my bed. He was naked! I told him he was a freak, jumped out of bed, rushed into my bathroom, locked the door and got ready to leave for work. I didn't see him before I left.
Should I call the wife and tell her what happened? I am staying at a friend's tonight because I don't want to run into him again. I no longer feel safe with him there. Should I find a new place to live? I'm 31 and he is in his 60s. Yuck! -- GROSSED OUT IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR GROSSED OUT: The answers to both of your questions is yes -- and the sooner the better.
Widows Defy Age to Contend for Bride's Wedding Bouquet
DEAR ABBY: I couldn't believe your response to the widow who wanted to participate in the throwing of the wedding bouquet. It is meant for single women only, not widows or women who've run through a legion of husbands. For goodness' sake, is it too much to ask that only TRULY single women participate in this ritual? It amazes me that you sided with the writer. The daughter-in-law who objected was right on the money. The woman should have respected that, sat down and tried to remember that the wedding was not about her. -- LAURIE F., ODESSA, FLA.
DEAR LAURIE F.: That's exactly what the wounded widow did. She retreated to her table, and the wedding was no longer a happy celebration for her. I felt, and still do, that being allowed to join the throng to participate would have impinged on no one, and the daughter-in-law was out of line. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Good for you regarding the Texas widow! At my daughter's wedding reception, my 80-plus-year-old widowed mother caught the bouquet and immediately shoved it into the hands of a 60-year-old widow. I wish you could see the video. What I think is wrong is letting anyone under 18 out there. -- ALL FOR THE TEXAS WIDOW
DEAR ABBY: At my son's wedding, my 85-year-old widowed mother, who was walking with a cane at the time, got up and caught the bouquet. The man who caught the garter put it on my mom like she was a 25-year-old woman, and Mom blushed like a schoolgirl. We were all delighted for her. She died at the age of 92, and this is one of my fondest memories of my son's wedding.
In our golden years, we deserve to enjoy life as much as any young person. Please tell that Texas widow not to let anyone stop her from doing things that will give her pleasure. -- M.J. IN CHATTANOOGA
DEAR ABBY: A dear friend of my mother's attended our wedding. She was 70 at the time, and brought her 80-year-old gentleman friend to the celebration. (Both had been widowed.) Whether it was quietly planned, I don't know, but she caught the bouquet, and he caught the garter. They were married within a year.
Whenever I see a video of other receptions, I remember that gracious and loving couple -- and my guests, who stood quietly and made only "token" motions toward the items. -- GINA IN FT. COLLINS, COLO.
DEAR ABBY: That daughter-in-law needs a sense of humor and to ease up a bit. Weddings are about celebrating family, love and happiness. She showed none of these when she chastized her mother-in-law. She owes the bride and her mother-in-law an apology. -- CELEBRATING BRIDE, GREAT FALLS, MONT.
DEAR ABBY: A woman in her 60s caught the bouquet at my wedding. The younger women didn't have a chance. Actually, TWO 60-year-old women fought over it. It's one of the most memorable memories from our reception. We have a great picture of the best man putting the garter on her. She was wearing knee-highs and granny glasses. -- CELESTE IN ENFIELD, CONN.
DEAR ABBY: That daughter-in-law was certainly a pill. The family should feel lucky to have a grandmother who is able to participate physically. My dad was in a wheelchair and didn't have that privilege. I lost him two years ago, and I would give anything to have him here to hold his hand and tell him how much I love him. That daughter-in-law should reorganize her priorities, thank her lucky stars, and keep her mouth shut. You go, Grandma! Thanks for letting me vent, Abby. -- PATRICIA IN PUEBLO, COLO.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)