For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Generous Grandmother Expects Thank You to Come With Love
DEAR ABBY: I am a widow who lives independently. I do my own cooking, shopping and laundry. I have good friends, play cards, go to movies and, in general, enjoy life.
I recently gave my only granddaughter, "Wendy," a sizable sum of money. After 30 days and no acknowledgment, I mailed her a blank thank-you card. Here's the response I got:
"Grandmother: Thank you for the money. It couldn't have come at a better time, and my family is very grateful. I have always appreciated everything you have done for me, but I didn't realize that 'family' had to thank one another for every gesture of kindness. I always believed that love was thanks enough.
"I love you very much and want to be a part of your life and have you be a part of my life and my family's lives -- but it's up to you. It's your decision, because we have a lot of love to give and share together with no thanks required or necessary. Love, Wendy."
Abby, this is a girl with a good education and a job she has held for 12 years. The only time I see Wendy is at family gatherings. I used to take her shopping and to lunch. I stopped that when she never reciprocated or invited me to her home.
From infancy through college I have given Wendy toys, clothing, furniture, money -- but no more! My grandsons never ask for anything and are loving and respectful. I feel foolish and used. -- GRANDMOTHER IN IDAHO
DEAR GRANDMOTHER: For someone with a "good" education, your granddaughter seems ignorant of basic good manners. Her parents should have taught her by example from earliest childhood to say thank you when a kindness was extended, and the importance of a prompt thank-you note. (And "family" is no exception!)
If Wendy "loves" you, she has a strange and self-serving way of showing it. She owes you an apology, and if it is not forthcoming, you have every right to direct your attention -- as well as your estate -- to the grandsons who have been both loving and respectful.
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my significant other for 15 years, and I would like a suggestion as to what I can do for this special occasion. We have always seen eye to eye, and she's the best thing that has ever happened to me.
In recent years we have been fortunate enough to travel our great country from coast to coast. We have done pretty much everything you can imagine, going out to eat, going to movies. I just don't have a clue about what to do for our 15th year of being together. Any ideas? Please respond soon. -- CHRISTOPHER IN MICHIGAN
DEAR CHRIS: I have a novel idea. Because she's the best thing that ever happened to you, why not propose marriage? And here's how: Tell her that since you have already traveled this great country from coast to coast, you think it's time you both went for a cruise on the sea of matrimony. I'll bet she'll be surprised.
Soft Spoken Dad Won't Control His Abusive Teenage Daughter
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Jeff," is a single parent. His daughter, "Nicole," is 14. Jeff is very soft-spoken and even-tempered. He hates conflict and shies away from it if it arises. We have been in a loving and caring relationship for nine years. We don't yell at each other or call each other names.
Over the last six months, Nicole's behavior toward her father has changed radically. She has become verbally abusive toward him. When she speaks to him she calls him names and uses ungodly language. I cringe when she starts screaming and cursing at him.
I moved out of the house because I can't be part of a household like that -- it made me sick. I have stated on more than one occasion that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and not normal. Jeff says he has read books that say that it is. It has driven a wedge between us. I'm concerned that if Nicole treats her father this way, how is she treating her peers, teachers or strangers? Have you any advice to offer? -- HEARTSICK IN FLORIDA
DEAR HEARTSICK: Nicole's behavior is neither normal nor acceptable. Your boyfriend should have asserted his authority the first time it happened. The longer he tolerates his daughter's outbursts, the more they will escalate.
I don't know what her problem is -- whether she has fallen in with the wrong crowd, is experimenting with drugs or having emotional difficulties. But the time to get to the root of it and put a stop to it is NOW. And if your boyfriend refuses to face that fact and act like a parent, he is shirking his responsibility to his daughter.
DEAR ABBY: I need some advice. I married "Fritz" in February 2001, during a spur-of-the-moment trip to Las Vegas. Afterward, we decided we would wait to tell our parents because we wanted to have a traditional wedding and invite all of our relatives.
It has been more than four years, and I am still trying to get Fritz, at the bare minimum, to tell our families that we're "engaged." But if I bring up the subject, he gets angry and refuses to talk about it because he's "not ready."
Fritz keeps sending me mixed signals -- he bought me a $2,500 diamond engagement/wedding ring, but I'm not allowed to wear it in front of any family members. He tells me he loves me and I'm the only person he's going to spend the rest of his life with, but this has become a real strain on our relationship. I don't understand why he won't marry me publicly since we are already married legally. Please help me. -- WANTS MY M.R.S. IN ILLINOIS
DEAR WANTS: It appears that the man you married still has a lot of growing up to do. He may have had second thoughts about marrying you, or he may be afraid of his parents' reaction. He could also have a problem with commitment and feels that he's "not really married" until there's a formal announcement. Because I'm not a mind reader, I can't be sure what his problem is.
However, there's one thing I know for sure. The way you are being treated is degrading, and you should not tolerate it. Offer Fritz the option of marriage counseling, because whether or not he wants to admit it, you ARE married, or end this travesty once and for all.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Parents Can't Let Details Ruin Precious Time at Zoo
DEAR ABBY: I disagree with the grouchy zookeeper who wants parents to stop "lying" to their kids about zoo animals. I have two children, 4 and 6, and I take them to the zoo for family time and to encourage their love of animals. If they see a small goat and say, "What a cute baby," I'm not going to correct them or run to a zookeeper for an education about pygmy goats. I'll say, "You're right. That's a cute baby. Let's see what other babies we can find." Sometimes it's more important to enjoy the moment and agree with a child than search for the correct answer. Zookeepers should credit parents for taking their kids to the zoo at all, and not be such sticklers for "details"! -- MOMMY IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR MOMMY: Please don't blame the zookeeper for wanting to do a conscientious job. Zoos were created for the purpose of education, conservation, recreation and research. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Many parents at the zoo are working parents, single parents, stressed parents. We are doing well just finding time to take our kids to the zoo. Sometimes we have to tell "white lies" because a young child will not accept "I don't know," and will repeat the same question until you give SOME answer and go on about your business. -- DRIVEN CRAZY IN THE PAST
DEAR ABBY: I know a lot about sea lions because I have volunteered at the Marine Mammal Center in Sausalito, Calif., for six years. One day, a little girl stood next to me asking her dad why she didn't see any baby sea lions. He replied, "That's because the big ones eat the babies!"
The child, who was about 7, looked so horrified I thought she'd cry. I said, "That's not true, honey. The sea lions out there are daddies. The mommies and babies are somewhere else away from the people. They only eat fish; they don't eat their babies." The father gave me a white-hot glare of anger, but I still don't think I owed him an apology. What's the sense in telling a child such nonsense? -- SHERRILL IN SAN JOSE
DEAR ABBY: My family exhibited brown Swiss dairy cattle for years. Some of the comments we've heard: "The one with horns, that's the daddy cow," and my favorite, "The brown cows give chocolate milk." -- "FONDA" IN ANDREWS, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: Allow me to share some "information" I overheard given by a teacher to a student on a Pacific gray whale-watching trip during the breeding season when an amorous male happened to roll over near the boat. In reply to the curious student's question, the teacher replied, "It's a periscope." -- AUDREY IN MARCELLUS, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: My family are proud members of the Cleveland Zoological Society. One day we overheard a mother tell her son, "That's a boy lion. Do you know what a girl lion is called -- a TIGER!" My 8-year-old daughter approached the woman and asked, "Do you know the difference between caribou and reindeer?" After a moment's silence my daughter told her, "Caribou can't fly." The kid got it, but the mother didn't! -- ZOO FAMILY IN CLEVELAND
DEAR ABBY: My father used the zoo as a teaching tool for me. We went there almost daily. I spent the ages of 1 to 5 with him during the days; evenings with my mom. If a question arose about an animal and Dad didn't know the answer, he'd say, "Let's find out together," and we'd proceed to the library.
I'm 27 now. I still love reading, spend many days at the library, and have a profound love and respect for animals. I'm grateful my dad took the time to teach me all that when I was so young. Others could learn from his example. If they do, it will open a door for communication with their children, and everyone will benefit. -- FLORIDA GIRL
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)