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Parents Can't Let Details Ruin Precious Time at Zoo
DEAR ABBY: I disagree with the grouchy zookeeper who wants parents to stop "lying" to their kids about zoo animals. I have two children, 4 and 6, and I take them to the zoo for family time and to encourage their love of animals. If they see a small goat and say, "What a cute baby," I'm not going to correct them or run to a zookeeper for an education about pygmy goats. I'll say, "You're right. That's a cute baby. Let's see what other babies we can find." Sometimes it's more important to enjoy the moment and agree with a child than search for the correct answer. Zookeepers should credit parents for taking their kids to the zoo at all, and not be such sticklers for "details"! -- MOMMY IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR MOMMY: Please don't blame the zookeeper for wanting to do a conscientious job. Zoos were created for the purpose of education, conservation, recreation and research. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Many parents at the zoo are working parents, single parents, stressed parents. We are doing well just finding time to take our kids to the zoo. Sometimes we have to tell "white lies" because a young child will not accept "I don't know," and will repeat the same question until you give SOME answer and go on about your business. -- DRIVEN CRAZY IN THE PAST
DEAR ABBY: I know a lot about sea lions because I have volunteered at the Marine Mammal Center in Sausalito, Calif., for six years. One day, a little girl stood next to me asking her dad why she didn't see any baby sea lions. He replied, "That's because the big ones eat the babies!"
The child, who was about 7, looked so horrified I thought she'd cry. I said, "That's not true, honey. The sea lions out there are daddies. The mommies and babies are somewhere else away from the people. They only eat fish; they don't eat their babies." The father gave me a white-hot glare of anger, but I still don't think I owed him an apology. What's the sense in telling a child such nonsense? -- SHERRILL IN SAN JOSE
DEAR ABBY: My family exhibited brown Swiss dairy cattle for years. Some of the comments we've heard: "The one with horns, that's the daddy cow," and my favorite, "The brown cows give chocolate milk." -- "FONDA" IN ANDREWS, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: Allow me to share some "information" I overheard given by a teacher to a student on a Pacific gray whale-watching trip during the breeding season when an amorous male happened to roll over near the boat. In reply to the curious student's question, the teacher replied, "It's a periscope." -- AUDREY IN MARCELLUS, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: My family are proud members of the Cleveland Zoological Society. One day we overheard a mother tell her son, "That's a boy lion. Do you know what a girl lion is called -- a TIGER!" My 8-year-old daughter approached the woman and asked, "Do you know the difference between caribou and reindeer?" After a moment's silence my daughter told her, "Caribou can't fly." The kid got it, but the mother didn't! -- ZOO FAMILY IN CLEVELAND
DEAR ABBY: My father used the zoo as a teaching tool for me. We went there almost daily. I spent the ages of 1 to 5 with him during the days; evenings with my mom. If a question arose about an animal and Dad didn't know the answer, he'd say, "Let's find out together," and we'd proceed to the library.
I'm 27 now. I still love reading, spend many days at the library, and have a profound love and respect for animals. I'm grateful my dad took the time to teach me all that when I was so young. Others could learn from his example. If they do, it will open a door for communication with their children, and everyone will benefit. -- FLORIDA GIRL
Childhood Molestation Still Haunts Woman as an Adult
DEAR ABBY: When I was 7, I spent the night at the home of a friend and was molested by her father. It happened again when I was older. That time it was a cousin who spent the night with us. I never told my mother. I was afraid she would blame me. My father never spent time with me -- I am one of several children -- so it didn't occur to me to tell him.
I have lived with this all my life. I have suffered from low self-esteem and had relationship problems since childhood. Few days have gone by that I haven't thought about it and felt deep personal guilt. I never told anyone what happened until after my mother died, when I finally confessed it to a psychiatrist.
Now I would like to tell my older brother. Should I? Or would it be more difficult for me if my family knew? -- SAD, SCARED AND CONFUSED IN FLORIDA
DEAR SAD: Not knowing your family, I can't predict how they'll react. However, this I do know: You were victimized twice as a child. You have done nothing for which to feel guilty. THE VICTIM IS NEVER AT FAULT.
Because you still have difficulty accepting this, it appears your sessions with the psychiatrist were not as helpful as they should have been. Please pick up the phone and call the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (R.A.I.N.N.). The toll-free number is (800) 656-4673. Counselors there will guide you to specialized services that can help you. Their entire focus is on helping victims of sexual assault, and the fact that your assault happened long ago should not be a deterrent.
After you have been counseled, and accept that you were never at fault for what happened, it will be safe to tell your brother because, at that point, his reaction will not be all-important to you.
DEAR ABBY: I recently attended a birthday dinner celebration for my father at my brother and his girlfriend's home. While the girlfriend, "Cheryl," was eating, she speared a bite of her food with her fork and then held it down to the floor for the dog to eat. Then she put another bite of food onto her fork and ate it. This continued throughout the dinner, with Cheryl and the dog alternating bites off the same fork.
When she was finished eating, she placed her dinner plate on the floor for the dog to finish eating. It was revolting. Dad and I just sat there, stunned, and stopped eating, not knowing how sanitary the plates and dinnerware were. How would you have handled this? -- HORRIFIED IN HOUSTON
DEAR HORRIFIED: I would have handled it as you did, having lost my appetite, too. However, if your brother and his girlfriend have a dishwasher with an extra-hot and sanitizing cycle, the plates were probably "safe" to eat from. (Yech!)
DEAR ABBY: I recently purchased a "mother's ring" for my mother and am having all of my siblings' stones added to it. However, last Thanksgiving, my brother, the baby of the family, passed away unexpectedly.
Should I still add his birthstone to the ring, or just the survivors'? Your thoughts, please. -- TORN IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TORN: By all means, add your brother's birthstone to the ring. To do otherwise would imply that he never existed. Please believe me when I say that when your mother looks at the ring, your brother's stone will remind her of the precious time she had with him. What would make her sad would be knowing that one stone was missing.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
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Birth Mother's Regret Begins to Weigh on Teenage Daughter
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I adopted a beautiful baby girl in an open adoption 14 years ago. "Sara's" birth mother, "Chris," was trapped in an abusive relationship. We promised to exchange letters and pictures when Sara was able to communicate, and have done so since Sara turned 10. Sara and her birth mother talk on the phone four times a year.
Although the "open" agreement is not legally binding, we have kept our word. However, over the past year we have become concerned about the effect this is having on our daughter. Sara is sad and moody after contacts with Chris. Chris also sends poetry about the adoption, which upsets Sara. It's pretty heavy stuff for a 14-year-old.
Chris has rebuilt her life, obtained higher education, married and has two toddlers. Despite this, it seems she's still mourning the loss of her firstborn. We understand this, but feel it's unfair to unload this burden on Sara. Sara cried when she saw photos of Chris' two small sons.
Should we limit or sever the contact? -- NO NAMES PLEASE IN THE NORTHWEST
DEAR NO NAMES: From my perspective, the letters, photographs and the quarterly phone calls are excessive. And for the birth mother to send "heavy" poetry in an effort to offload her guilt and pain at placing her child for adoption is selfish. Because the contact with her birth mother is depressing your daughter instead of being uplifting, it's time to ask Sara what she thinks -- and take your cue from her.
DEAR ABBY: After 20 years of marriage to an abusive man, I finally divorced him.
One night I was feeling depressed, so I contacted "Garrett," an old high school sweetheart. We ended up really clicking. Garrett has been married twice. Both his ex-wives were unfaithful and treated him shamefully, so he's afraid of marrying again.
Garrett says he loves me and we plan on moving in together. The problem is his mother, who is very religious. She will have a hard time accepting our arrangement. I asked him if he wanted me to talk to her, and he said yes. How do I make her understand? I love Garrett very much and know in my heart we were meant to be together. I feel God brought him back into my life.
I am 42 and Garrett is 43, so it's not like we're kids. I respect his mother very much and know her son wants her acceptance. Any advice you could offer would be appreciated. -- DESPERATE TO BE HAPPY IN ILLINOIS
DEAR DESPERATE: Say to Garrett's mother: "I love your son and feel in my heart that we were meant to be together. I want and need to be with him. He has struck out twice at marriage and is afraid to try again -- and at least for now, I'm prepared to accept this. I like and respect you very much. We plan to live together, and if you would like to be part of our lives, we would like that, too." Then shut your mouth and hear what the woman has to say. She may pleasantly surprise you.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it is inappropriate to leave a family gathering if another family member brings a child -- or himself -- to the gathering with a highly contagious sickness? This is causing a rift between me and my husband's family. -- DEBBIE IN HAMILTON, OHIO
DEAR DEBBIE: Let me answer you in this way: For someone with a contagious illness to put others at risk of catching it is selfish and inconsiderate. You have every right to protect yourself by leaving the gathering. In fact, I recommend it.
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