What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Pastor's Wife With a Past Could Cause Future Havoc
DEAR ABBY: Being a pastor of a church, I had to respond to the letter from "Hates Hypocrites in Washington." She's the woman who discovered that the new associate pastor's wife, "Millie," is the same woman who broke up her marriage, in addition to having had a "history," so to speak.
The senior pastor is probably aware of at least some of what she wrote about -- that Millie has had two previous marriages, countless affairs and did time in prison for drugs. However, on the off chance that he doesn't, "Hates Hypocrites" should say something.
As you suggested, she needs to introduce herself to the woman in question: Millie's reaction will give her a pretty good idea of whether she has had a change of heart in recent years. If Millie hasn't, then the writer needs to go quietly to the pastor, approaching it from the standpoint of, "I hope Millie has turned over a new leaf since all of this, but you need to know that ..."
I have seen firsthand what can happen when not enough questions are asked when a staff person comes into a church. While I hope and pray that Millie has learned from her mistakes, that may not be the case. -- REV. CHET THOMAS, DAWSON, GA.
DEAR REV. THOMAS: Although I am reluctant to see anyone "carry tales" that could ruin a career -- specifically the associate pastor's -- I bow to your expertise. You are not the only clergyperson who weighed in on this one. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am an ordained minister and pastoral counselor. While it's traditional in many churches, simply being a pastor's spouse in no way qualifies someone to teach marriage classes any more than being a doctor's wife qualifies her to teach CPR. That she knows firsthand where the pitfalls are does not make one an expert on how others might form healthy relationships and avoid adultery, drugs, prison, etc.
Whether or not this pastor's wife, "Millie," may have repented of her sin and amended her life, she is still responsible for her past behavior, and one of its consequences is that her credibility as an expert on marriage may rightfully be questioned. Nor should one assume that all pastors' marriages are exemplary. Since clergy families live highly public lives, whatever flaws this marriage has are on public display, and given Millie's past, one would assume there might be many that come to light.
The woman's real value to a marriage class could be as an example of one who has acknowledged her failing and changed her ways, and shows openness to learn from others who have had longer, more healthy relationships -- but not if she hides her past and pretends to be something she's not. -- MARY KRAHN, BEMUS POINT, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: If it is true that the new associate pastor's wife broke up the writer's marriage, and has a history of similarly disruptive behavior elsewhere, then the woman represents a potentially destructive force in that congregation. As a parish minister of nearly 30 years, I can see the red flags flying high on this one.
"Hates Hypocrites" should notify the appropriate denominational officials of whatever larger body this church is affiliated with and let them take whatever action they feel may be warranted. This is not about "Hates Hypocrites" getting revenge; it is about protecting the stability and well-being of the congregation. -- REV. STEPHEN EDINGTON, NASHUA, N.H.
NEWS OF COUPLE'S MARRIAGE BRINGS DAUGHTER TO TEARS
DEAR ABBY: What should I have said to my new 24-year-old stepdaughter who started bawling when her father and I told her that we had eloped? She wasn't crying out of happiness, or even disappointment that she hadn't been invited. In fact, the first thing out of her mouth was to ask her father, "Did you make her sign a pre-nup?"
Abby, I have never in my life felt so humiliated and offended by someone else's rude behavior. If we hadn't been out to dinner, I would have left immediately. She was sobbing uncontrollably at the table. But I held my head high and forced a smile for the rest of the meal.
Now I'm not really sure how I should act toward her. Before her father and I married, I thought we had a very friendly relationship. I never imagined a reaction like the one she had. I feel it was rude, tacky, inappropriate and cruel. Part of me never wants to see her again. Any suggestions? -- CRUSHED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CRUSHED: I don't blame you for feeling her behavior was rude, tacky, inappropriate and cruel. But you are all "family" now, and face it, you will be seeing her again. So my recommendation is to recognize that she was shocked, and forgive her candor and loss of control. But don't forget it.
DEAR ABBY: My son, "Ian," has a girlfriend, "Patty," who is 5 1/2 months pregnant. Patty is bipolar, but she is not being treated for it and will not take medication. She has gotten mad at Ian and literally beaten him up. The last time it happened, Ian ended up with scratches on his face and a large bite on his upper arm. Patty was arrested and had to spend four days in jail.
In the meantime, her mother, "Liz," came over to Ian's house and proceeded to tell me about Patty's life.
Before this all happened, Patty told me she didn't want me to meet Liz because she was "crazy." While Patty was in jail, Liz told her that I had said Patty needed to be institutionalized. What I did say was that Patty needs to be ANALYZED. Her mother also said that Ian's house has "bad spirits" in it. Now Patty refuses to move back home with my son.
Abby, this girl needs a lot of understanding and help, but how can I help her if she thinks I said all these bad things about her? A horrible thing happened while Patty was in jail. Her mother killed herself. What can I do to help her? I know and understand her special needs. I want to be there for her and the baby. Can you help me? -- CARING GRANDMOTHER-TO-BE
DEAR CARING: Remind Patty that she told you how mentally ill her mother was, which was proven to be true by the fact she committed suicide while Patty was in jail. Explain that her mother may have thought you said she (Patty) needed institutionalization, but that she was "confused." What you really said was that Patty should be evaluated to determine the cause of her mood swings, and to determine if there was medication she could take to calm them.
Frankly, I, too, am concerned for the baby's welfare. Because Patty becomes violent when she "loses it," it might be safer if your son has legal custody of the child until his girlfriend becomes more stable. I recommend that you and Ian explore that option with a lawyer NOW.
DEAR ABBY: I am currently pregnant with a child I cannot keep. I have chosen adoption, and the parents will be a childhood friend of mine and her husband, with whom I am living.
My question is, I know there should be a baby shower. But should I attend? And if so, should I bring a gift? -- "VI" IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR "VI": I see no reason why you should not attend the shower if you wish. However, no gift should be necessary. You are already bringing the most important gift of all.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Regrets Not Reporting Her Sister's Abusive Husband
DEAR ABBY: Your recent references to the National Domestic Violence Hotline moved me very much. I have read Dear Abby for many years, and have seen many letters from women who say they can't leave their husbands or go to the police.
I was married last October. The only family I had left in the world attended -- my awesome older sister, "Karen," and her two kids, along with her husband, "Jack." After we returned from the honeymoon, Karen informed me that things had been heated and abusive with Jack for quite some time, so she was moving out. I was shocked. I loved her husband. Never in a million years would I have thought that of him. He seemed so laid-back -- but Karen was scared. She said he had threatened to kill her numerous times, but she didn't want to involve the police.
My wedding was the last time I ever saw or held my big sister.
On Nov. 11, Jack tied her up and shot her, then himself, killing both of them. There are no words to describe the hole I feel in my heart. My only family is gone, and at the hands of someone I never thought would be capable of violence.
Abby, PLEASE urge your readers who are caught up in abusive relationships not to end up like my sister. I know they are scared, but the police are there to protect them. I wish now that I had made Karen go to the police or called them myself. Instead, I'm left trying to explain to their kids how this could happen. Please, people, get help before it is too late. If she had, my sister would be here today and her children would not be motherless. -- GRIEVING IN TEXAS
DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my most profound sympathy for the tragic and untimely loss of your sister. It's understandable that you are left wracking your brain for answers as to how this could have been averted.
However, I urge you not to torture yourself with "if onlys." Your sister's husband, the "laid-back" Jack, appears to have been a clever psychopath, and my experts tell me that the most dangerous time for victims of spousal abuse is when they announce they are leaving. That is why I urge these people, once they have made the decision to go, to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. (The number is (800) 799-7233. TTY: (800) 787-3224.) The people who work the hotline can help victims to formulate a safe plan of escape -- which, I'm sad to say, is sometimes absolutely necessary.
If you haven't already done so, I hope you will look into some professional counseling for your sister's children. The trauma of losing their parents will take time -- and work -- to process. You are all in my prayers.
DEAR ABBY: I am in the process of going through a divorce. He is with someone else now, and they are having a baby. My soon-to-be ex-husband and I still talk. Every time we do, he asks me if I still want to have sex with him.
I still love him, but I am no longer IN love with him. What should I tell him when he asks if I still want to have sex with him? -- WONDERING IN HAYSVILLE, KAN.
DEAR WONDERING: Tell him NO!
DEAR ABBY: My in-laws are creating a family newsletter and including the birth dates and anniversaries for all family members. Is it proper etiquette to include the ages of the adults? -- HAPPY AT 39
DEAR HAPPY AT 39: Not if the person requests that the information be omitted.
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