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NEWS OF COUPLE'S MARRIAGE BRINGS DAUGHTER TO TEARS
DEAR ABBY: What should I have said to my new 24-year-old stepdaughter who started bawling when her father and I told her that we had eloped? She wasn't crying out of happiness, or even disappointment that she hadn't been invited. In fact, the first thing out of her mouth was to ask her father, "Did you make her sign a pre-nup?"
Abby, I have never in my life felt so humiliated and offended by someone else's rude behavior. If we hadn't been out to dinner, I would have left immediately. She was sobbing uncontrollably at the table. But I held my head high and forced a smile for the rest of the meal.
Now I'm not really sure how I should act toward her. Before her father and I married, I thought we had a very friendly relationship. I never imagined a reaction like the one she had. I feel it was rude, tacky, inappropriate and cruel. Part of me never wants to see her again. Any suggestions? -- CRUSHED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CRUSHED: I don't blame you for feeling her behavior was rude, tacky, inappropriate and cruel. But you are all "family" now, and face it, you will be seeing her again. So my recommendation is to recognize that she was shocked, and forgive her candor and loss of control. But don't forget it.
DEAR ABBY: My son, "Ian," has a girlfriend, "Patty," who is 5 1/2 months pregnant. Patty is bipolar, but she is not being treated for it and will not take medication. She has gotten mad at Ian and literally beaten him up. The last time it happened, Ian ended up with scratches on his face and a large bite on his upper arm. Patty was arrested and had to spend four days in jail.
In the meantime, her mother, "Liz," came over to Ian's house and proceeded to tell me about Patty's life.
Before this all happened, Patty told me she didn't want me to meet Liz because she was "crazy." While Patty was in jail, Liz told her that I had said Patty needed to be institutionalized. What I did say was that Patty needs to be ANALYZED. Her mother also said that Ian's house has "bad spirits" in it. Now Patty refuses to move back home with my son.
Abby, this girl needs a lot of understanding and help, but how can I help her if she thinks I said all these bad things about her? A horrible thing happened while Patty was in jail. Her mother killed herself. What can I do to help her? I know and understand her special needs. I want to be there for her and the baby. Can you help me? -- CARING GRANDMOTHER-TO-BE
DEAR CARING: Remind Patty that she told you how mentally ill her mother was, which was proven to be true by the fact she committed suicide while Patty was in jail. Explain that her mother may have thought you said she (Patty) needed institutionalization, but that she was "confused." What you really said was that Patty should be evaluated to determine the cause of her mood swings, and to determine if there was medication she could take to calm them.
Frankly, I, too, am concerned for the baby's welfare. Because Patty becomes violent when she "loses it," it might be safer if your son has legal custody of the child until his girlfriend becomes more stable. I recommend that you and Ian explore that option with a lawyer NOW.
DEAR ABBY: I am currently pregnant with a child I cannot keep. I have chosen adoption, and the parents will be a childhood friend of mine and her husband, with whom I am living.
My question is, I know there should be a baby shower. But should I attend? And if so, should I bring a gift? -- "VI" IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR "VI": I see no reason why you should not attend the shower if you wish. However, no gift should be necessary. You are already bringing the most important gift of all.
Woman Regrets Not Reporting Her Sister's Abusive Husband
DEAR ABBY: Your recent references to the National Domestic Violence Hotline moved me very much. I have read Dear Abby for many years, and have seen many letters from women who say they can't leave their husbands or go to the police.
I was married last October. The only family I had left in the world attended -- my awesome older sister, "Karen," and her two kids, along with her husband, "Jack." After we returned from the honeymoon, Karen informed me that things had been heated and abusive with Jack for quite some time, so she was moving out. I was shocked. I loved her husband. Never in a million years would I have thought that of him. He seemed so laid-back -- but Karen was scared. She said he had threatened to kill her numerous times, but she didn't want to involve the police.
My wedding was the last time I ever saw or held my big sister.
On Nov. 11, Jack tied her up and shot her, then himself, killing both of them. There are no words to describe the hole I feel in my heart. My only family is gone, and at the hands of someone I never thought would be capable of violence.
Abby, PLEASE urge your readers who are caught up in abusive relationships not to end up like my sister. I know they are scared, but the police are there to protect them. I wish now that I had made Karen go to the police or called them myself. Instead, I'm left trying to explain to their kids how this could happen. Please, people, get help before it is too late. If she had, my sister would be here today and her children would not be motherless. -- GRIEVING IN TEXAS
DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my most profound sympathy for the tragic and untimely loss of your sister. It's understandable that you are left wracking your brain for answers as to how this could have been averted.
However, I urge you not to torture yourself with "if onlys." Your sister's husband, the "laid-back" Jack, appears to have been a clever psychopath, and my experts tell me that the most dangerous time for victims of spousal abuse is when they announce they are leaving. That is why I urge these people, once they have made the decision to go, to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. (The number is (800) 799-7233. TTY: (800) 787-3224.) The people who work the hotline can help victims to formulate a safe plan of escape -- which, I'm sad to say, is sometimes absolutely necessary.
If you haven't already done so, I hope you will look into some professional counseling for your sister's children. The trauma of losing their parents will take time -- and work -- to process. You are all in my prayers.
DEAR ABBY: I am in the process of going through a divorce. He is with someone else now, and they are having a baby. My soon-to-be ex-husband and I still talk. Every time we do, he asks me if I still want to have sex with him.
I still love him, but I am no longer IN love with him. What should I tell him when he asks if I still want to have sex with him? -- WONDERING IN HAYSVILLE, KAN.
DEAR WONDERING: Tell him NO!
DEAR ABBY: My in-laws are creating a family newsletter and including the birth dates and anniversaries for all family members. Is it proper etiquette to include the ages of the adults? -- HAPPY AT 39
DEAR HAPPY AT 39: Not if the person requests that the information be omitted.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Playing Games at Day Care Is Taking Toll on Toddler
DEAR ABBY: I have a 3-year-old daughter who has been going to a home day-care provider since she was an infant. The sitter is wonderful and I like the way she cares for my daughter. She doesn't speak English very well, but we have been able to communicate through her 12-year-old daughter, "Laurie."
The issue that I'm having is with her daughter. Laurie plays with the children a lot when she gets out of school in the afternoons. Lately, my daughter has been telling me that they play school and that Laurie is the "teacher." My daughter comes home devastated every day because Laurie tells her that she is getting failing grades and pretends to send her to the principal's office.
According to my daughter, none of the other kids have to do this. She also says that she has to eat her lunch alone for talking. I don't think the sitter realizes that this is going on. I have tried to talk to Laurie about it, but she denies doing it.
I'm afraid this will have a lasting effect on my child when she starts school. I don't want to change sitters, but I don't want to subject my daughter to this kind of behavior either. I need some help here. What should I do? -- MELODY IN HOUSTON
DEAR MELODY: The first thing you should do is find someone who speaks your day-care provider's language to help you to explain to the woman what her daughter has been doing. Your concerns are well-founded. It's possible that Laurie is mirroring what is going on with HER at school, and her mother should be made aware of it.
Second, please remove your daughter from this home day-care situation and find a licensed and accredited day-care center for her. There are things she should be learning to prepare her for school that she isn't being taught. A proper preschool education can give your child an important head start. As a responsible parent, it's up to you to see that she gets it.
DEAR ABBY: On New Year's Day, my stepdaughter and her husband dropped in unexpectedly. They live two miles away, and we see them frequently. After a very hectic Christmas, I had been looking forward to a quiet, relaxing day with my husband. I had not even showered when they arrived.
Even though I was uncomfortable not having showered, and in my pajamas, I made our surprise guests welcome. I offered breakfast and coffee and spent hours with them. After 1 p.m., I finally decided to shower and dress. I made a fresh pot of coffee and offered our guests more to eat. I took between 45 minutes and an hour to shower and dress. When I emerged, I offered more coffee and food. They finally left hours later.
A week later, my husband and I had a huge argument concerning how "rude" I was for having disappeared for almost an hour to shower and change. Abby, I did everything possible to make our uninvited guests feel welcome. Was I rude to abandon our guests for this selfish reason? Your input is much appreciated. -- CHERYL IN ILLINOIS
DEAR CHERYL: You were not rude to go and get cleaned up. The people who were rude were the "drop-ins" who didn't bother to call and arrange a convenient time before coming over. As to your husband's "snit," I think he was angry because he was left alone to entertain them for an hour. Too bad, so sad!
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