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Woman Regrets Not Reporting Her Sister's Abusive Husband
DEAR ABBY: Your recent references to the National Domestic Violence Hotline moved me very much. I have read Dear Abby for many years, and have seen many letters from women who say they can't leave their husbands or go to the police.
I was married last October. The only family I had left in the world attended -- my awesome older sister, "Karen," and her two kids, along with her husband, "Jack." After we returned from the honeymoon, Karen informed me that things had been heated and abusive with Jack for quite some time, so she was moving out. I was shocked. I loved her husband. Never in a million years would I have thought that of him. He seemed so laid-back -- but Karen was scared. She said he had threatened to kill her numerous times, but she didn't want to involve the police.
My wedding was the last time I ever saw or held my big sister.
On Nov. 11, Jack tied her up and shot her, then himself, killing both of them. There are no words to describe the hole I feel in my heart. My only family is gone, and at the hands of someone I never thought would be capable of violence.
Abby, PLEASE urge your readers who are caught up in abusive relationships not to end up like my sister. I know they are scared, but the police are there to protect them. I wish now that I had made Karen go to the police or called them myself. Instead, I'm left trying to explain to their kids how this could happen. Please, people, get help before it is too late. If she had, my sister would be here today and her children would not be motherless. -- GRIEVING IN TEXAS
DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my most profound sympathy for the tragic and untimely loss of your sister. It's understandable that you are left wracking your brain for answers as to how this could have been averted.
However, I urge you not to torture yourself with "if onlys." Your sister's husband, the "laid-back" Jack, appears to have been a clever psychopath, and my experts tell me that the most dangerous time for victims of spousal abuse is when they announce they are leaving. That is why I urge these people, once they have made the decision to go, to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. (The number is (800) 799-7233. TTY: (800) 787-3224.) The people who work the hotline can help victims to formulate a safe plan of escape -- which, I'm sad to say, is sometimes absolutely necessary.
If you haven't already done so, I hope you will look into some professional counseling for your sister's children. The trauma of losing their parents will take time -- and work -- to process. You are all in my prayers.
DEAR ABBY: I am in the process of going through a divorce. He is with someone else now, and they are having a baby. My soon-to-be ex-husband and I still talk. Every time we do, he asks me if I still want to have sex with him.
I still love him, but I am no longer IN love with him. What should I tell him when he asks if I still want to have sex with him? -- WONDERING IN HAYSVILLE, KAN.
DEAR WONDERING: Tell him NO!
DEAR ABBY: My in-laws are creating a family newsletter and including the birth dates and anniversaries for all family members. Is it proper etiquette to include the ages of the adults? -- HAPPY AT 39
DEAR HAPPY AT 39: Not if the person requests that the information be omitted.
Playing Games at Day Care Is Taking Toll on Toddler
DEAR ABBY: I have a 3-year-old daughter who has been going to a home day-care provider since she was an infant. The sitter is wonderful and I like the way she cares for my daughter. She doesn't speak English very well, but we have been able to communicate through her 12-year-old daughter, "Laurie."
The issue that I'm having is with her daughter. Laurie plays with the children a lot when she gets out of school in the afternoons. Lately, my daughter has been telling me that they play school and that Laurie is the "teacher." My daughter comes home devastated every day because Laurie tells her that she is getting failing grades and pretends to send her to the principal's office.
According to my daughter, none of the other kids have to do this. She also says that she has to eat her lunch alone for talking. I don't think the sitter realizes that this is going on. I have tried to talk to Laurie about it, but she denies doing it.
I'm afraid this will have a lasting effect on my child when she starts school. I don't want to change sitters, but I don't want to subject my daughter to this kind of behavior either. I need some help here. What should I do? -- MELODY IN HOUSTON
DEAR MELODY: The first thing you should do is find someone who speaks your day-care provider's language to help you to explain to the woman what her daughter has been doing. Your concerns are well-founded. It's possible that Laurie is mirroring what is going on with HER at school, and her mother should be made aware of it.
Second, please remove your daughter from this home day-care situation and find a licensed and accredited day-care center for her. There are things she should be learning to prepare her for school that she isn't being taught. A proper preschool education can give your child an important head start. As a responsible parent, it's up to you to see that she gets it.
DEAR ABBY: On New Year's Day, my stepdaughter and her husband dropped in unexpectedly. They live two miles away, and we see them frequently. After a very hectic Christmas, I had been looking forward to a quiet, relaxing day with my husband. I had not even showered when they arrived.
Even though I was uncomfortable not having showered, and in my pajamas, I made our surprise guests welcome. I offered breakfast and coffee and spent hours with them. After 1 p.m., I finally decided to shower and dress. I made a fresh pot of coffee and offered our guests more to eat. I took between 45 minutes and an hour to shower and dress. When I emerged, I offered more coffee and food. They finally left hours later.
A week later, my husband and I had a huge argument concerning how "rude" I was for having disappeared for almost an hour to shower and change. Abby, I did everything possible to make our uninvited guests feel welcome. Was I rude to abandon our guests for this selfish reason? Your input is much appreciated. -- CHERYL IN ILLINOIS
DEAR CHERYL: You were not rude to go and get cleaned up. The people who were rude were the "drop-ins" who didn't bother to call and arrange a convenient time before coming over. As to your husband's "snit," I think he was angry because he was left alone to entertain them for an hour. Too bad, so sad!
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Wife Is Trapped in Marriage of Thirty Unfaithful Years
DEAR ABBY: I am married to a man who cheated on me for 30 years. First there was a long-distance romance with my high school girlfriend that lasted 28 years. Then he had another affair with a woman from church. It went on for eight years that I know of.
He always accused me of being "evil" because I expressed concern about his fidelity. Of course, when I found solid evidence of his affairs, it was, "It's over," and "It'll never happen again," etc. But the affairs continued, and I didn't leave. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because I'm afraid of what's out there.
Is there something wrong with me? I know I'm "settling." But I am terrified of starting over. Everywhere I look, I don't see prospects that are any better. Are they ALL dogs? -- DEFLATED IN RALEIGH, N.C.
DEAR DEFLATED: Not all men are dogs, nor are they adulterers like the one you married. There are good men out there, but, like gold nuggets, it takes exploration to find them.
What you don't seem to appreciate is that there are worse things than being alone -- and one of them is the pain of having a husband who makes you feel you never measure up. You have paid a price for living with the evil you know rather than risking the unknown. If you do decide to divorce, you will need time to heal and rediscover yourself before you go prospecting for another mate, because the way you feel about yourself will dictate the kind of life partner you'll attract.
DEAR ABBY: I have a son, "Max," who is 1. At Christmas, we were at my sister-in-law "Babette's" home for dinner. Babette has a peek-a-poo dog that occasionally growls at her teenage kids.
Max kept trying to go over and see the dog. I kept telling him that the dog didn't want to play right now, and to leave him alone. (My sister, who frequently baby-sits Max, has three very friendly dogs.) Babette's dog growled at my son, so I asked her if we could put the dog elsewhere. She said, "No. He doesn't have a cage or anything."
I think she was rude because I don't think I was asking too much for her to put her dog in another room for a short period of time. What do you think? I'd like your opinion. -- PROTECTIVE MOTHER IN OHIO
DEAR PROTECTIVE: When a dog growls, that's the dog's way of saying, "Stay away!" Because your son was too young to understand this, and because your sister-in-law was unwilling to separate her dog from your child, you should have separated your child from her dog by cutting the dinner short and leaving.
DEAR ABBY: When I was a young teenager, I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of my brother, "Carl." I am now worried about his daughter.
My niece is now nearly the age I was when he committed this crime against me. Because I want to protect her, I want very badly to ask him if he would ever do that to his daughter. However, every time I start to ask, I stop myself because I don't want to rock the boat.
Would it be wrong or rude of me to ask him if he has ever touched his daughter the way he touched me? -- CONCERNED FOR HER SAFETY IN TEXAS
DEAR CONCERNED: It would be a mistake to ask, because if he is molesting his daughter, he would not be forthcoming about it. What you should do is discuss what happened to you with Carl's wife, so she can be on the lookout for any signs of sexual abuse in their daughter.
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