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Wife Is Trapped in Marriage of Thirty Unfaithful Years
DEAR ABBY: I am married to a man who cheated on me for 30 years. First there was a long-distance romance with my high school girlfriend that lasted 28 years. Then he had another affair with a woman from church. It went on for eight years that I know of.
He always accused me of being "evil" because I expressed concern about his fidelity. Of course, when I found solid evidence of his affairs, it was, "It's over," and "It'll never happen again," etc. But the affairs continued, and I didn't leave. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because I'm afraid of what's out there.
Is there something wrong with me? I know I'm "settling." But I am terrified of starting over. Everywhere I look, I don't see prospects that are any better. Are they ALL dogs? -- DEFLATED IN RALEIGH, N.C.
DEAR DEFLATED: Not all men are dogs, nor are they adulterers like the one you married. There are good men out there, but, like gold nuggets, it takes exploration to find them.
What you don't seem to appreciate is that there are worse things than being alone -- and one of them is the pain of having a husband who makes you feel you never measure up. You have paid a price for living with the evil you know rather than risking the unknown. If you do decide to divorce, you will need time to heal and rediscover yourself before you go prospecting for another mate, because the way you feel about yourself will dictate the kind of life partner you'll attract.
DEAR ABBY: I have a son, "Max," who is 1. At Christmas, we were at my sister-in-law "Babette's" home for dinner. Babette has a peek-a-poo dog that occasionally growls at her teenage kids.
Max kept trying to go over and see the dog. I kept telling him that the dog didn't want to play right now, and to leave him alone. (My sister, who frequently baby-sits Max, has three very friendly dogs.) Babette's dog growled at my son, so I asked her if we could put the dog elsewhere. She said, "No. He doesn't have a cage or anything."
I think she was rude because I don't think I was asking too much for her to put her dog in another room for a short period of time. What do you think? I'd like your opinion. -- PROTECTIVE MOTHER IN OHIO
DEAR PROTECTIVE: When a dog growls, that's the dog's way of saying, "Stay away!" Because your son was too young to understand this, and because your sister-in-law was unwilling to separate her dog from your child, you should have separated your child from her dog by cutting the dinner short and leaving.
DEAR ABBY: When I was a young teenager, I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of my brother, "Carl." I am now worried about his daughter.
My niece is now nearly the age I was when he committed this crime against me. Because I want to protect her, I want very badly to ask him if he would ever do that to his daughter. However, every time I start to ask, I stop myself because I don't want to rock the boat.
Would it be wrong or rude of me to ask him if he has ever touched his daughter the way he touched me? -- CONCERNED FOR HER SAFETY IN TEXAS
DEAR CONCERNED: It would be a mistake to ask, because if he is molesting his daughter, he would not be forthcoming about it. What you should do is discuss what happened to you with Carl's wife, so she can be on the lookout for any signs of sexual abuse in their daughter.
Sister in Law Resents Being Nameless in Family Newsletter
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law writes family newsletters that she sends to all her siblings and their spouses. All of the names of the sisters-in-law are listed at the top of the letters except for my name -- which is conspicuously absent.
If my husband and I were newlyweds, I'd assume that this lack of courtesy was an innocent oversight. However, we're rapidly approaching our 25th wedding anniversary, and we have been married longer than any of the other siblings.
When I complain to my husband, he says I'm making too much out of it. Should he say something to his sister on my behalf, or should we both continue pretending not to notice? For the record, my sister-in-law and I have always been friendly to each other.
Please, Abby, don't reveal my name or location. I don't want to create any friction in the family or be embarrassed any further. -- HURT IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR HURT: I can't help but wonder why it has taken you nearly a quarter of a century to ask this question. Your husband should have dealt with this matter years ago. However, because he has not, my advice to you is to pick up the phone and humorously ask your sister-in-law if she's finally ready to "accept you into the family." And when she asks why you're asking that question -- point out her omission.
DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law in another state insists on sending inappropriate gifts to our daughters. For example, he sent our oldest daughter an expensive doll on her first birthday. The doll was designed for children ages 3 and up. We thanked him for the gift and stored it away for later use, since we were unable to return it without incurring significant shipping charges.
For Christmas, my father-in-law sent our 10-day-old baby a similar gift from the same store. I hate to see him continue this pattern and waste money on dolls that a newborn won't be able to enjoy for three years. I feel my husband should speak to his father about choosing age-appropriate gifts. However, I don't want him to think my husband and I are ungrateful, so we are hesitant to mention the issue to him. Please advise what, if anything, we should do about these gifts. -- NOT UNGRATEFUL IN TAMPA
DEAR NOT UNGRATEFUL: Use the personal approach. Call your father-in-law and thank him for his thoughtfulness and generosity. Then explain that the beautiful dolls he has been sending cannot be given to your daughters yet. Tell him that not only could the children hurt the dolls, the dolls could come apart and hurt the children. Your father-in-law may be clueless that very young children need special cuddly toys that can't hurt or choke them if they should come apart. You'll be doing both him and your daughters a favor.
DEAR ABBY: Some close friends, "Mary" and "Bob," are in the midst of a bitter divorce. I like both of them and would like to remain friends with them -- but how can I comfort and support one of them without seeming like a traitor to the other one, and vice versa?
Mary has already chewed me out for even talking to Bob. What should I do? -- IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: As I see it, you have two choices -- speak to neither one until the divorce is final, or tell Mary that you are not community property and you have chosen to remain neutral because you care about them both. However, there is one caveat to the latter: If you refuse to side with Mary, she may interpret your "neutrality" as betrayal and dump YOU.
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Ex Husband's Harassment Qualifies as Illegal Stalking
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my mid-30s, recently divorced for the second time. I was married for 13 years.
Abby, my ex won't leave me alone. He calls me constantly, and if I won't talk to him, he starts threatening me. Hanging up on him doesn't work; it makes him that much angrier. He threatens to damage my vehicle, and says he has people watching my daughter when she goes out on the one night that she is allowed.
He will call and tell me where she went, who she was with and what time she came home. He has me watched, too. I don't go out except to work and to the grocery store. Calling the police is not an option because that will just make it even worse on me. Please help me. -- BEING WATCHED, BIRMINGHAM, ALA.
DEAR WATCHED: There is a name for the harassment you and your daughter are receiving. It's called STALKING. Although you may not be aware of it, there is a law against stalking in Alabama. After I read your letter, I contacted your chief of police and read it to her. She advises that you should document every incident -- which can include recording those threatening phone calls -- and file a police report.
I wish you had been more specific about the reason for your reluctance to inform the police. If you are frightened because your ex-husband is somehow connected to law enforcement, this crime should be reported to Internal Affairs so they can investigate the charges. The longer you remain silent, the longer his intimidation will continue.
DEAR ABBY: I married late, to a wonderful man I'll call "Juan." Our courtship was very brief. We are fine. My problem is his family.
Everyone was very cordial at first, but during a brief rough patch early on in our marriage, his family made it clear where the line was drawn -- me on one side, all of them on the other. (I have no immediate family of my own, just a couple of close girlfriends I consider to be "family.") Juan was caught in the middle.
Since then, we have come to an understanding regarding holidays, birthdays, etc. If I work the holiday, Juan spends it with his family. If not, he's home with me for the majority of it, but makes a short visit to them. (We live in the same town.) We split Juan's birthday. If someone from his family phones the house, I'm pleasant, but other than that we don't speak.
My question concerns my elderly mother-in-law. There's a language barrier, and she usually believes what anyone tells her, which early on was unflattering where I was concerned. Due to her advanced age, there will be a funeral I have to contend with at some point. I feel I should be there for Juan when the time comes, but I have absolutely no desire to be around any of the rest of his family. What should I do? -- JUAN'S WIFE
DEAR WIFE: When the time comes, take your cue from your husband. If he would like you to be there, then attend the funeral with him and be pleasant to his family. If he prefers to go alone, you'll be off the hook.
P.S. Between you and me, you should be prepared to go. When a man loses his mother, he usually wants the person closest to him to be near him -- and that should be you.
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