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Dining With Alzheimer's Patient Takes Some Advance Planning
DEAR ABBY: "Torn in Framingham, Mass." wrote that her mother suffers from an Alzheimer's-like dementia. Her personality has changed from polite and socially correct to losing the checks and balances that prevent her from saying whatever comes to mind. She went on to say that her mother sometimes acts up in public places -- like restaurants -- and asked how to explain the situation to the restaurant staff without embarrassing her mother.
I work as a server in an upscale restaurant. As a party was being led to my section recently, a woman from the party left the others and handed me a business card. She smiled and asked me to read it before coming to the table. I went to the server station and did so. It was printed with information about her spouse having Alzheimer's. It was tasteful and informative. Most important, she did not have to say anything in front of her husband that might upset him. I thought it was a great idea. I shared the card with our hostess and the cashier so that no misunderstanding could occur there, either. -- NANCY IN HUNTSVILLE, ALA.
DEAR NANCY: How kind of you to write. Since that letter appeared, I have received mail from readers coast to coast telling me that cards such as the one you were handed are available through the Alzheimer's Association. Typically they read: "The person with me has a disease called Alzheimer's or a related disease. Please be kind and understanding. Thank you."
Readers, if there isn't a chapter of the Alzheimer's Association in your community, contact the National Alzheimer's Association. The toll-free number is (800) 272-3900. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Torn in Framingham, Mass." should bring her mother's inappropriate displays to the attention of the woman's physician. As a board-certified geriatrician, I often see families with similar problems. Many of these disruptive behaviors can be controlled with the proper medication or other forms of therapeutic intervention.
Being the caregiver for an Alzheimer's patient can be a stress-filled, 24-hour-a-day job. Help is available, and the assistance and compassionate understanding of professionals can keep the Alzheimer's patient a loving part of the family. -- ARTHUR EFROS, M.D., WEST BLOOMFIELD, MICH.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, normally a very gentle person, has Alzheimer's. When we are going out to eat, I always call the restaurant and inform them of his condition. I ask if there is a time when they are not busy, and request a table in the far corner. In this way, I avoid what could be an unpleasant situation for both the server and my dear husband. I have found if they know ahead of time, they will make every effort to accommodate us. I have even had servers accompany him to the restroom and bring him back to the table. I always leave a generous tip for these servers who go out of their way to make our evening an enjoyable one. -- BEEN THERE AND BACK, EVERETT, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Torn in Framingham" was good, but please go one step further and advise family members, caretakers and other associates of dementia sufferers to contact the Alzheimer's Association and ask for the book "The 36-Hour Day." It is filled with helpful suggestions and advice.
My oldest sister died recently at 79 after a 10-year-battle with Alzheimer's, and my youngest sister has recently been diagnosed with it. I have recommended this book to many people. Those who took the time to read it find it very helpful. -- HORACE IN SPRINGFIELD, OHIO
Daughter Struggles to Reveal Details of Mom's Violent Death
DEAR ABBY: My mother was murdered by a serial killer about 16 years ago. Whenever the subject of parents comes up at work, I don't know what to tell people when they ask about my mom.
I am 26. Once in a while, they will ask me about what happened to her, but when I open my mouth to say something, I get nervous and start blushing. This might be because I know people get uncomfortable when you talk about stuff like this. I also feel weird telling them that my mother was a prostitute and that's how she was murdered. Sometimes I say she was in an "accident" -- but that's a lie.
Can you give me any advice on the proper way to discuss this in the office without it being weird for me or the other person? -- MOTHERLESS DAUGHTER IN WASHINGTON
DEAR MOTHERLESS DAUGHTER: The fact that you become "nervous" when trying to discuss what happened to your mother means -- to me -- that you are still traumatized by the circumstances of her death. (Frankly, that's understandable.) When someone asks about your mother, it's not necessary to give chapter and verse unless you want to. Tell the person your mother passed away many years ago, which is the truth. If you are pressed for details, say that the topic is painful and change the subject. You are under no social obligation to bare your soul to anyone.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old male with a problem. I work at a small business with six employees and 12 contracted associates. My problem concerns one of the female associates, "Stella."
Over the past year, Stella has made sexual advances toward me. She asks me to come over and watch movies while her husband is away; she asks for hugs while I'm busy with customers, and shows me her new undergarments. When I told Stella I was uncomfortable with the situation she placed me in, she became upset and accused me of being rude, unprofessional and sexually discriminatory.
I have brought this to the attention of my employer. He says he had a talk with her and that it will stop, but it hasn't. I love my job and don't like being treated this way, yet I feel my only option is to leave. Can you please help? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Leaving is NOT your only option. Document the times, dates and examples of the sexual harassment. Give copies to your boss and explain that the conduct has continued. According to my employment law expert, Nancy Bertrando, if the boss doesn't deal with this, you should file a complaint with the California Department of Fair Employment and Housing. (It is listed in your phone book under Government Agencies.)
DEAR ABBY: I am being married in May. I want to wear my wedding gown to the airport and on the plane. Is this common? Is it proper? Please let me know. -- BRIDE-TO-BE, TERRE HAUTE, IND.
DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: There is no "law" against it, but I would recommend against wearing your bridal gown to the airport because the idea is impractical. Airport floors are dirty and could soil the gown. A trip up or down an escalator could tear the hem. The compulsory security screening could also create a problem, and so would the seating on the aircraft.
It would be much better to do what brides traditionally do: After the reception, change into comfortable traveling clothes and leave your wedding gown at home.
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Husband's Sexual Fantasy Is Bad Dream for His Wife
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together nearly five years. We have two beautiful children.
Over the weekend, I had a friend over. We had a few drinks, and my husband asked if I wanted to try "something new." I thought he meant between us, but when I said yes, he went to my friend and asked her to join us! We had never discussed having a third person join us in our "private time." I would never be with anyone besides my husband.
Why would he ask her without consulting me? I am really hurt and offended because now I think he is interested in her, and I'm not enough for him. He did apologize. He said he thought that's what I wanted.
I no longer know how to act around him because he made me feel so worthless. Should I forgive him? -- HELEN IN HOLLYWOOD
DEAR HELEN: I don't know how many drinks your husband had, but it appears he had at least one too many and acted on an impulse to live out a sexual fantasy. Should you forgive him? Yes, but not until you have hashed this whole episode out in the sober light of day -- and are fully assured that he's faithful and intends to remain that way.
DEAR ABBY: A new family moved into our neighborhood a couple of weeks ago. They have this little tube tacked next to their front door they call a "me-zoo-zah." I'm embarrassed to ask them what it's for. Have you ever heard of one, and can you answer my question? -- CURIOUS IN IRVINE, CALIF.
DEAR CURIOUS: The little tube is a MEZUZAH, and it's hung on the doorposts of the homes of observant Jewish people. The cylinder contains a parchment scroll inscribed with verses from the Old Testament written in Hebrew, which remind the dwellers every time they leave or enter to be faithful to the Commandments and to Jewish values. (One wit has suggested that the tubes are actually electrically charged to "zap" any anti-Semite who tries to enter!)
DEAR ABBY: I have read your column ever since I immigrated to the United States from Asia in 1990. It has been a very useful tool for me in learning about your culture.
Now I need your help. I am going back to work soon, and it is hard on the kids. They do not want to go to day care after school -- they are 10 and 5 -- but they cannot stay home alone. They still need supervision.
The reason I am going back to work is because we need the money. My husband was laid off after 30 years working at one company. However, he cannot take early retirement because he is still too young.
Should I mention to the kids that we are heading for financial trouble, so that's why they have to go to day care? Please reply ASAP. My husband has found a job, but we need the extra income. -- FAITHFUL READER IN TEXAS
DEAR READER: Tell your children that you love them and are doing what you feel is best for them. However, telling them your family is "headed for financial trouble" might be a burden that is too heavy to place on them. It's enough to say that you have taken the job temporarily because the family "needs the money right now." They will be able to understand that without becoming frightened or insecure.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Are you feeling down today because you don't have a special Valentine? The surest cure for the blues is to do something for someone else. So how about logging on to OperationDearAbby.net and sending a Valentine message to our troops stationed away from home today? I guarantee it'll give you a lift, and give a boost to the spirits of our servicemen and women who could use one.
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