What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your continued support of victims of domestic and dating violence. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, a day filled with romance for many couples. Unfortunately, for some, it is like any other day -- filled with fear, anxiety and violence.
The sad truth is, every year, close to 4 million American women experience a serious assault by someone who said they loved them. I would like to remind your readers that domestic and dating violence is not just physical abuse. It can also be sexual, emotional, economic or psychological abuse. It is actions, or threats of actions, meant to frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any age, race, sexual orientation, religion, gender or socioeconomic background. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or dating.
With Valentine's Day only a day away, let's work to keep our loved ones safe. -- SHERYL CATES, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE
DEAR SHERYL: Thank you for your important letter. As readers of my column know, your organization is one I have relied upon for years to help victims of abuse. If anyone reading this column today feels she is being abused, or knows of someone who is being abused, I hope she will call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The toll-free number is (800) 799-7233 (SAFE). The number for people with hearing disabilities is (800) 787-3224 (TTY). You can also log onto the Web site at www.ndvh.org. There is help available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The danger is great, so please don't wait to contact them.
DEAR ABBY: My dear friend "Rose" has a 3-year-old great-granddaughter I'll call "Andrea." I am concerned because the child does not play nicely with her dolls. She chokes them, bashes their heads against the wall and "drowns" them in the bathtub.
Rose and her daughter think it is funny. I think Andrea needs help.
The little girl doesn't get hit or abused herself, but she has an on-again, off-again father who has beaten up her mother on more than one occasion. And there has been a new baby in the house since November. Should I suggest counseling? -- WORRIED IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR WORRIED: Andrea appears to be a very angry little girl who is using her dolls to channel her aggression. She may feel displaced by her new sibling. It might help to suggest to Rose that she and her daughter give Andrea more attention because you are concerned that she might take her resentment out on the baby. If that fails to improve the child's behavior, then point out that a visit with a child psychologist might be in order.
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, a male friend and I decided to save our spare change in a jar for a road trip. There are now three large jars, and they're all at my house.
During the time that we've been saving, my friend and I have grown apart. It's not that we don't like each other anymore, but sometimes that's the way things go.
There is nearly $300 in the jars, and I'd like to give him his share, but I have no idea how to do it. There is no way of knowing how much of the money is his and how much is mine. There isn't an even amount in the jars, and I'm considering giving all of it to him. What do you suggest? -- TRYING TO BE FAIR IN N.C.
DEAR TRYING: Either get a neutral friend to help you count the money, or "guesstimate" the amount in the jars and write the man a check for half. It's better than cheating yourself out of your share of what you have accumulated. Or, with your friend's approval, the entire amount could be donated to charity.
BOYFRIEND OBJECTS TO WOMAN'S CIVIL RELATIONSHIP WITH HER EX
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of three months, "Josh," and I are having a disagreement. I was married to my ex-husband for seven years and had two beautiful sons with him. I am no longer in love with my ex and we do not spend any time alone together. However, after our divorce six years ago, we agreed it would be best to remain on good terms for the sake of our boys. We spend holidays, birthdays and special events jointly with our sons.
Josh has a very difficult time with this. He thinks that once you're divorced, it's over. You don't sit together at functions. Josh doesn't even want him to come into the house to pick up the boys.
I care deeply for Josh and don't want to lose him over this, but I'm at my wit's end. I want my children to know that even though their parents are no longer married, we can be civil and get along. Can you help me with this? -- "STUCK" IN NEW YORK
DEAR "STUCK": I commend you and your ex-husband for your maturity and determination that your children will see you as a united front, even though you're no longer married. It saddens me that the man with whom you are now involved is insecure and unable to appreciate the wisdom of your decision.
If your boyfriend is willing, I'd recommend some couples counseling to help him calm his jealousy. Please discuss it with him. However, if he refuses, then he has already told you what you need to know about the future of your relationship and the degree to which he values it.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old mother of two. I have been having serious issues with my daughter, who is 9. She has come to me asking questions like, "What is rape?" and "Why does it happen all the time?" She wants to know what she can do to prevent being raped.
I was raped as a child, and twice more in my teens. I have a big problem even talking to my children about sex. How can I get over this very uncomfortable feeling and be able to answer my children's questions honestly and without having to say "not now," or trying to change the subject? -- NEEDS HELP IN FLORIDA
DEAR NEEDS HELP: You're asking intelligent questions. The answer is to get psychological counseling to help you deal with the unresolved issues related to the rapes you suffered as a young girl. Your physician should be able to refer you to a licensed therapist. After that, there are books at the library that can help you to answer your daughter's questions. Please don't wait any longer. Do it now.
DEAR ABBY: My adult children complain that when they send me photos of their kids who are missing teeth, I photo-edit them and replace the teeth. I am guilty as charged, but I think it looks better -- so why not do it?
They claim that part of the "charm" of the children's photos is the missing teeth, the cowlicks, the twisted tie, etc. In this electronic age, who is right? -- DEDE IN TACOMA, WASH.
DEAR DEDE: They are. The pictures they are sending you are not those of child models. Your grandchildren are normal children, and normal children are works in progress. My question to you is, why can't you accept them for exactly who they are in their current stage of development?
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Wants to Be Just Friends With Woman in Love With Him
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful woman for the past 16 months. She comes from a good family, is well-educated, is financially and emotionally stable, and has two great kids who hero-worship me.
Last night she told me she has fallen in love with me -- and herein lies the problem. Although we have much in common and have a blast together, I'm only so-so attracted to her physically, and she's starting to notice.
I don't want to lose her friendship, but I also don't want to hurt her or her kids, and I'm afraid I already have. What should I do? -- WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING
DEAR WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING: The right thing is to tell her how fond you are of her and her children and it's something that will never go away, but that you think of her more as a sister than a lover. It won't be easy to say or to hear. But honesty is the best policy in a situation like yours.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Anne," who is in her 40s. She has never married and has dutifully taken care of her mother, whom she loves very much.
Abby, Anne's mother is hypercritical, overbearing and unloving. She'll take her hairdresser's advice about her personal affairs rather than listen to the advice of her daughter, who only wants what's best for her mother.
Anne desperately wants her mother's love and approval, but I don't think her mother, who is now elderly, will ever change. Poor Anne will never be happy because she can't let go of wanting her mother's love and approval -- which is all she ever wanted but never received. She can't afford counseling and probably wouldn't go if she could. Is there anything I can do to help her? -- WORRIED FRIEND, HOT SPRINGS, ARK.
DEAR FRIEND: Unless your friend wakes up and recognizes that her relationship with her mother is repetitive and unfulfilling, there is nothing anyone can do. However, one day when she seems receptive, you might point out to her that the way her mother controls her is by withholding the very things that she needs and wants the most.
DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to a wonderful man I'll call "Howard." His mother, "Tillie," is driving me crazy. She's trying to plan our wedding with no regard to my feelings or Howard's. She is trying to dictate the style of the wedding cake, the food that will be served, the colors we'll use and the size of the wedding. (We want something small and intimate; she wants a large one.)
Tillie has even bought a solid off-white dress to wear, which I think is tacky. Telling her how we feel does no good. Please help! -- EMBATTLED BRIDE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR EMBATTLED: Assuming that you are paying for this wedding, you should have the right to veto any "suggestions" from Howard's mother. Tillie seems to have run her son's life so far, and she will run yours, too, unless you and Howard form a united front to prevent it.
I could suggest an elopement, but that wouldn't solve your ultimate problem. Howard's mother will take over your lives if you give her an inch, so unless you're 100 percent positive that once you're married Howard will stand with you, save yourself a lot of heartache and rethink your decision to marry him.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)