What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Clinging to Wife's Ashes Is Not Yet Willing to Let Go
DEAR ABBY: I am in a two-year relationship with a very nice man I'll call "Ronny." I'm divorced; Ronny was widowed three years ago after many years of marriage.
I'm having trouble accepting the fact that he displays his wife's ashes in his bedroom. We have discussed it, and I have told him it makes me uncomfortable. He moved the urn to another location when he sold his house, but about a month ago it reappeared in his bedroom.
I spend considerable time at Ronny's house and feel somewhat unsettled, not because the ashes belong to his wife, but because they are human remains. I have no problem with a picture of her that he displays -- in fact, I had it framed for him.
Ronny is unwilling to consider other options for the ashes. He says he promised his wife she'd be buried with him. He has also said he is not ready for a commitment.
I'd like a future with Ronny, but I'm afraid he's unwilling to move on with his life because he continues to keep his wife's ashes so close by. Am I out of line with my feelings? Any suggestions for me or for him? I need a new perspective. -- THREE'S A CROWD IN VIRGINIA
DEAR LADY: That Ronny moved his wife's ashes out of the bedroom and then moved them back in indicates to me that while they were "out," you may have gotten too close for his comfort. He has already told you he isn't ready for a commitment. That's a strong message.
Your feelings are not out of line. However, the most practical advice I can offer is to be prepared to be very patient if you want a future with Ronny. This man is going nowhere in a hurry, and neither is your relationship.
DEAR ABBY: We had houseguests during the holidays -- an old friend and his new girlfriend. My parents had given us a beautiful set of expensive towels, which we used for our guests.
Whatever cleanser the girl used to wash her face destroyed them. My wife is devastated, but insists that we can't say a word to them about it. I disagree. I say we should not only mention it, we should request that they replace them. What do you think? -- BLEACHED OUT IN THE BIG CITY
DEAR BLEACHED OUT: If your guests realized that they had damaged your towels, they should have offered to replace them. (If what caused the damage is a product the woman uses regularly, wouldn't you think she'd have known it could cause a problem?) I don't think you should request that the items be replaced, but it would not be out of line to mention that they were ruined. And if the couple visits again, make sure not to use the good linens.
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, who lived with me for three years, left me. The reason is that I went on a cruise and took my 24-year-old son instead of her. (Her father was scheduled for heart bypass surgery during that time, and only half our money would have been refunded if we canceled.) She moved out and is now living with her dad. What do you think about this? I need a woman's opinion. -- HURTING IN ANDERSON, IND.
DEAR HURTING: Here it is: Your romance is probably history. When she needed your emotional support, instead of being there for her, you went sailing off into the sunset with your son. Had you said, "To heck with the money, I won't leave you until we're sure everything is all right," you would still be together.
You might try offering an apology for abandoning her, but I can't guarantee it will be accepted. And frankly, I can't blame her.
Generous Grandmother Expects Thank You to Come With Love
DEAR ABBY: I am a widow who lives independently. I do my own cooking, shopping and laundry. I have good friends, play cards, go to movies and, in general, enjoy life.
I recently gave my only granddaughter, "Wendy," a sizable sum of money. After 30 days and no acknowledgment, I mailed her a blank thank-you card. Here's the response I got:
"Grandmother: Thank you for the money. It couldn't have come at a better time, and my family is very grateful. I have always appreciated everything you have done for me, but I didn't realize that 'family' had to thank one another for every gesture of kindness. I always believed that love was thanks enough.
"I love you very much and want to be a part of your life and have you be a part of my life and my family's lives -- but it's up to you. It's your decision, because we have a lot of love to give and share together with no thanks required or necessary. Love, Wendy."
Abby, this is a girl with a good education and a job she has held for 12 years. The only time I see Wendy is at family gatherings. I used to take her shopping and to lunch. I stopped that when she never reciprocated or invited me to her home.
From infancy through college I have given Wendy toys, clothing, furniture, money -- but no more! My grandsons never ask for anything and are loving and respectful. I feel foolish and used. -- GRANDMOTHER IN IDAHO
DEAR GRANDMOTHER: For someone with a "good" education, your granddaughter seems ignorant of basic good manners. Her parents should have taught her by example from earliest childhood to say thank you when a kindness was extended, and the importance of a prompt thank-you note. (And "family" is no exception!)
If Wendy "loves" you, she has a strange and self-serving way of showing it. She owes you an apology, and if it is not forthcoming, you have every right to direct your attention -- as well as your estate -- to the grandsons who have been both loving and respectful.
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my significant other for 15 years, and I would like a suggestion as to what I can do for this special occasion. We have always seen eye to eye, and she's the best thing that has ever happened to me.
In recent years we have been fortunate enough to travel our great country from coast to coast. We have done pretty much everything you can imagine, going out to eat, going to movies. I just don't have a clue about what to do for our 15th year of being together. Any ideas? Please respond soon. -- CHRISTOPHER IN MICHIGAN
DEAR CHRIS: I have a novel idea. Because she's the best thing that ever happened to you, why not propose marriage? And here's how: Tell her that since you have already traveled this great country from coast to coast, you think it's time you both went for a cruise on the sea of matrimony. I'll bet she'll be surprised.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Soft Spoken Dad Won't Control His Abusive Teenage Daughter
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Jeff," is a single parent. His daughter, "Nicole," is 14. Jeff is very soft-spoken and even-tempered. He hates conflict and shies away from it if it arises. We have been in a loving and caring relationship for nine years. We don't yell at each other or call each other names.
Over the last six months, Nicole's behavior toward her father has changed radically. She has become verbally abusive toward him. When she speaks to him she calls him names and uses ungodly language. I cringe when she starts screaming and cursing at him.
I moved out of the house because I can't be part of a household like that -- it made me sick. I have stated on more than one occasion that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and not normal. Jeff says he has read books that say that it is. It has driven a wedge between us. I'm concerned that if Nicole treats her father this way, how is she treating her peers, teachers or strangers? Have you any advice to offer? -- HEARTSICK IN FLORIDA
DEAR HEARTSICK: Nicole's behavior is neither normal nor acceptable. Your boyfriend should have asserted his authority the first time it happened. The longer he tolerates his daughter's outbursts, the more they will escalate.
I don't know what her problem is -- whether she has fallen in with the wrong crowd, is experimenting with drugs or having emotional difficulties. But the time to get to the root of it and put a stop to it is NOW. And if your boyfriend refuses to face that fact and act like a parent, he is shirking his responsibility to his daughter.
DEAR ABBY: I need some advice. I married "Fritz" in February 2001, during a spur-of-the-moment trip to Las Vegas. Afterward, we decided we would wait to tell our parents because we wanted to have a traditional wedding and invite all of our relatives.
It has been more than four years, and I am still trying to get Fritz, at the bare minimum, to tell our families that we're "engaged." But if I bring up the subject, he gets angry and refuses to talk about it because he's "not ready."
Fritz keeps sending me mixed signals -- he bought me a $2,500 diamond engagement/wedding ring, but I'm not allowed to wear it in front of any family members. He tells me he loves me and I'm the only person he's going to spend the rest of his life with, but this has become a real strain on our relationship. I don't understand why he won't marry me publicly since we are already married legally. Please help me. -- WANTS MY M.R.S. IN ILLINOIS
DEAR WANTS: It appears that the man you married still has a lot of growing up to do. He may have had second thoughts about marrying you, or he may be afraid of his parents' reaction. He could also have a problem with commitment and feels that he's "not really married" until there's a formal announcement. Because I'm not a mind reader, I can't be sure what his problem is.
However, there's one thing I know for sure. The way you are being treated is degrading, and you should not tolerate it. Offer Fritz the option of marriage counseling, because whether or not he wants to admit it, you ARE married, or end this travesty once and for all.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)