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Housework Suffers as Single Dad Juggles Kids' Schedules
DEAR ABBY: I would like your opinion about something. I am a single dad with two kids. I work 60 hours a week to support them. I'm involved with the Boy Scouts, the Girl Scouts, soccer, their school, etc. I am often on the go to the point that the vacuuming, mopping and dusting are postponed. Personally, I feel that being involved with the kids is more important.
I have a lady friend I have been seeing for a few years, and our relationship is at a standstill. She is a very neat and tidy person, and the moderate clutter in my house is a bone of contention. She feels I should cut back on some of the activities, perhaps just drop off the kids and leave so I would have time to clean the house to her standards. That would mean the Girl Scout troop would fold, and many of the activities of the Boy Scout troop would be curtailed, but her feeling is that the housework comes first. I feel that being involved with the kids comes first. What do you think? -- SLIGHTLY CLUTTERED, WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR SLIGHTLY CLUTTERED: The investment you are making in your children will reap untold benefits in the future. You seem to be a man whose priorities are in order. However, it appears there are some important lessons you are not teaching your children -- and one of them is how to share the housekeeping chores.
If they are mature enough for scouting, surely they can make their own beds, clear the table, load the dishwasher and help with the dusting. You are a wonderful father, but please do not overlook this important part of their education. It will help them to be independent later, and frankly, you could use their help now.
DEAR ABBY: My parents have been married 43 years, and my mother has never been happy with my father aside from their first years of marriage. Dad is and has been into himself and his needs, and has never lifted a thumb for our mom. They had three children, and she raised us completely on her own. Dad was either at work or away on a trip.
Now that the three of us are grown and have families of our own, Dad wants nothing to do with the grandchildren. This makes it hard for Mom, because she loves all the grandchildren and would like to spend time with them.
In the past, Mom talked frequently about leaving Dad, but now she thinks that financially it would be hard. All three of us would like nothing better than for her to escape from him and live the rest of her life in peace and harmony.
How do we let her know that divorcing Dad and living on her own would not be impossible when finances are the only thing holding her back? -- FREEDOM AT LAST IN FLORIDA DEAR FREEDOM AT LAST: The most effective way to get that message across would be for the three of you to tell her in person, in plain English, the next time you visit. I presume, however, that you would all be pitching in to help support her if she did decide to leave your father.
However, don't be surprised if your mother refuses your generous offer. The glue that holds some couples together can sometimes be a mystery even to their children, and her reasons for tolerating this lonely marriage may have nothing to do with money.
Daughter Regrets Her Children Won't Know Dad's 'Rough Love'
DEAR ABBY: The letter you printed (10/23) from "Anxious Dad in Ohio," who considers it a problem that his father is physically affectionate with his 2-year-old granddaughter, broke my heart. My dad was physically affectionate, too.
My brothers and sister and I didn't always appreciate the way he'd grab us and plant kisses on our necks or hug us tight. We'd wriggle and squirm and protest until he coaxed a smile out of us. Our dad worked long and hard to support us. Many's the time we'd walk away, rubbing at the whisker burn, but we'd always come back for a good roughhouse on the living room rug -- all of us little ones wiggling and giggling and riding on our tired, happy father as if he were made of iron.
Dad wasn't made of iron, though. He died before any of his four grandchildren were born. So I'll never have the pleasure of hearing half-hearted shrieks of "No, no!" turn into giggles and kisses. And my little ones will never know the joy of opening their hearts to Grandpa's rough love. -- PEG B., SEATTLE
DEAR PEG: Your father, I am sure, was a wonderful and loving parent. However, as I said in my reply to "Anxious Dad," today's parents teach their children to assert themselves if someone's touch makes them uncomfortable so they will be less submissive if an adult tries to take advantage of them. Unfortunately, such lessons are a necessary and sad reality. Read on, and perhaps you'll understand why.
DEAR ABBY: I was alarmed at the behavior of the grandfather in "Anxious Dad's" letter. As a therapist who treats children who have been sexually abused, I agree with your response, which was right on target.
I would like to add that when a child perceives that a parent is unable to intervene with another adult who violates that child's boundaries, such as that grandfather's aggressive hugs, the child is less likely to tell the parents if someone violates their boundaries sexually.
In addition, children learn by observation. If the father in that letter is not able to enforce his own boundaries with the grandfather, this also makes the daughter less likely to discern appropriate boundaries from those which are not, and it places her at risk should someone violate her in a sexual way. -- TRACIE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR ABBY: I was the "little girl" in a similar situation 55 years ago. Although my grandfather only hugged and kissed me (raising whisker welts on my face), he restrained me and hugged me even harder as I struggled to break away, laughing at my pleas for him to stop. My parents did not want to offend him, and in my child's mind I interpreted that to mean they were more concerned about others' feelings than mine, and that they would not protect me. Consequently I was a fearful and anxious child, certain that my parents didn't want me. It took years of therapy for me to learn to trust others. -- PROTECT YOUR KIDS, SEASIDE, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: My blood ran cold when I read that letter. That could be my story. I was molested for years by my "adoring" grandfather, and the only outward sign he showed in front of my parents was the forced hugging described in that letter.
I never told anyone the whole story. When I threatened him one time that I'd tell, he hit me so hard he fractured my upper jaw and I lost a tooth -- which he told my parents was an unfortunate accident with a slippery bathroom rug and the toilet.
My grandfather is long dead. My parents are in their 80s and still don't know the truth. I'm almost 50 now and have gone through years of counseling. Please share this with "Anxious Dad." -- FORMERLY ANXIOUS KID IN PENNSYLVANIA
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DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Steve's," daughter by his first marriage has a mentor at work who keeps trying to "borrow" him as her escort to the company Christmas party. Steve and I have been married nine years, and this is the third time she has tried to pull this stunt.
I don't believe my husband is interested in her, but everyone at the company knows he is married, and for her to show up with him as her escort is highly insulting to me.
Steve agreed on the phone to go with her this afternoon and told me about it when I got home from work. I told him how I felt, and he immediately said he wouldn't go -- he hadn't realized it would bother me. I told him he now "has to" go or she will think I am threatened by her.
My stepdaughter evidently doesn't see a problem with it, as she's the one who called to facilitate the woman asking my husband. (I wonder how she'd have felt if her mother were still married to her dad?)
Yes, my husband is a fun, entertaining person. Are my pantyhose in a knot over nothing? -- OFFENDED, NOT THREATENED
DEAR OFFENDED: Your husband may be "fun and entertaining," but he is also married -- and that means he's out of the escort pool. He should not attend the function without you, and his daughter and her "mentor" were out of line to ask.
DEAR ABBY: I have two children, 15 and 17. Many of their friends are becoming single parents. Not wanting that for my children, I talk to them and urge them not to have babies until they're ready to be good parents.
You are so good at coming up with lists for things, Abby. Could you compile a list of criteria for what makes a really good parent? It would be nice to show them what that adds up to. -- NANCY IN FLAGSTAFF, ARIZ.
DEAR NANCY: I'm pleased to help. However, I'm sure my readers will want to add to the list, which is a short one.
ARE YOU READY FOR PARENTHOOD?
(1) Can you support the child financially? Children are expensive. I always urge people to complete their education and delay parenthood until they are self-supporting, in case they should find themselves in the role of sole provider.
(2) Can you support the child emotionally? Babies are cute, but they are also completely helpless and emotionally needy. While some young women say they want a baby so they'll have someone to love them, the reality is it's the parent's responsibility to love and sacrifice for the child. In plain English, this means the end of a normal teenage social life because babies are extremely time-consuming.
(3) Are you prepared to be a consistent parent? Children learn by example -- both good and bad. Are you prepared to be a role model for the behaviors you want your child to mimic? Because mimic they do. They learn more from what they observe than what they're told.
(4) Have you read up on child development? Are your expectations of what a child should be able to accomplish as he or she reaches various chronological milestones realistic? Ditto for your partner, whether or not he or she is the child's biological parent.
(5) Are you prepared to put someone else's needs before your own for the next 18 to 21 years? Remember, babies can't be returned to the manufacturer for a refund if you're not 100 percent satisfied. Sometimes they come with serious challenges. Can you cope with those realities?
If the answer to any of these questions is no, I strongly advise postponing parenthood.
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