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Daughter Regrets Her Children Won't Know Dad's 'Rough Love'
DEAR ABBY: The letter you printed (10/23) from "Anxious Dad in Ohio," who considers it a problem that his father is physically affectionate with his 2-year-old granddaughter, broke my heart. My dad was physically affectionate, too.
My brothers and sister and I didn't always appreciate the way he'd grab us and plant kisses on our necks or hug us tight. We'd wriggle and squirm and protest until he coaxed a smile out of us. Our dad worked long and hard to support us. Many's the time we'd walk away, rubbing at the whisker burn, but we'd always come back for a good roughhouse on the living room rug -- all of us little ones wiggling and giggling and riding on our tired, happy father as if he were made of iron.
Dad wasn't made of iron, though. He died before any of his four grandchildren were born. So I'll never have the pleasure of hearing half-hearted shrieks of "No, no!" turn into giggles and kisses. And my little ones will never know the joy of opening their hearts to Grandpa's rough love. -- PEG B., SEATTLE
DEAR PEG: Your father, I am sure, was a wonderful and loving parent. However, as I said in my reply to "Anxious Dad," today's parents teach their children to assert themselves if someone's touch makes them uncomfortable so they will be less submissive if an adult tries to take advantage of them. Unfortunately, such lessons are a necessary and sad reality. Read on, and perhaps you'll understand why.
DEAR ABBY: I was alarmed at the behavior of the grandfather in "Anxious Dad's" letter. As a therapist who treats children who have been sexually abused, I agree with your response, which was right on target.
I would like to add that when a child perceives that a parent is unable to intervene with another adult who violates that child's boundaries, such as that grandfather's aggressive hugs, the child is less likely to tell the parents if someone violates their boundaries sexually.
In addition, children learn by observation. If the father in that letter is not able to enforce his own boundaries with the grandfather, this also makes the daughter less likely to discern appropriate boundaries from those which are not, and it places her at risk should someone violate her in a sexual way. -- TRACIE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR ABBY: I was the "little girl" in a similar situation 55 years ago. Although my grandfather only hugged and kissed me (raising whisker welts on my face), he restrained me and hugged me even harder as I struggled to break away, laughing at my pleas for him to stop. My parents did not want to offend him, and in my child's mind I interpreted that to mean they were more concerned about others' feelings than mine, and that they would not protect me. Consequently I was a fearful and anxious child, certain that my parents didn't want me. It took years of therapy for me to learn to trust others. -- PROTECT YOUR KIDS, SEASIDE, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: My blood ran cold when I read that letter. That could be my story. I was molested for years by my "adoring" grandfather, and the only outward sign he showed in front of my parents was the forced hugging described in that letter.
I never told anyone the whole story. When I threatened him one time that I'd tell, he hit me so hard he fractured my upper jaw and I lost a tooth -- which he told my parents was an unfortunate accident with a slippery bathroom rug and the toilet.
My grandfather is long dead. My parents are in their 80s and still don't know the truth. I'm almost 50 now and have gone through years of counseling. Please share this with "Anxious Dad." -- FORMERLY ANXIOUS KID IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Steve's," daughter by his first marriage has a mentor at work who keeps trying to "borrow" him as her escort to the company Christmas party. Steve and I have been married nine years, and this is the third time she has tried to pull this stunt.
I don't believe my husband is interested in her, but everyone at the company knows he is married, and for her to show up with him as her escort is highly insulting to me.
Steve agreed on the phone to go with her this afternoon and told me about it when I got home from work. I told him how I felt, and he immediately said he wouldn't go -- he hadn't realized it would bother me. I told him he now "has to" go or she will think I am threatened by her.
My stepdaughter evidently doesn't see a problem with it, as she's the one who called to facilitate the woman asking my husband. (I wonder how she'd have felt if her mother were still married to her dad?)
Yes, my husband is a fun, entertaining person. Are my pantyhose in a knot over nothing? -- OFFENDED, NOT THREATENED
DEAR OFFENDED: Your husband may be "fun and entertaining," but he is also married -- and that means he's out of the escort pool. He should not attend the function without you, and his daughter and her "mentor" were out of line to ask.
DEAR ABBY: I have two children, 15 and 17. Many of their friends are becoming single parents. Not wanting that for my children, I talk to them and urge them not to have babies until they're ready to be good parents.
You are so good at coming up with lists for things, Abby. Could you compile a list of criteria for what makes a really good parent? It would be nice to show them what that adds up to. -- NANCY IN FLAGSTAFF, ARIZ.
DEAR NANCY: I'm pleased to help. However, I'm sure my readers will want to add to the list, which is a short one.
ARE YOU READY FOR PARENTHOOD?
(1) Can you support the child financially? Children are expensive. I always urge people to complete their education and delay parenthood until they are self-supporting, in case they should find themselves in the role of sole provider.
(2) Can you support the child emotionally? Babies are cute, but they are also completely helpless and emotionally needy. While some young women say they want a baby so they'll have someone to love them, the reality is it's the parent's responsibility to love and sacrifice for the child. In plain English, this means the end of a normal teenage social life because babies are extremely time-consuming.
(3) Are you prepared to be a consistent parent? Children learn by example -- both good and bad. Are you prepared to be a role model for the behaviors you want your child to mimic? Because mimic they do. They learn more from what they observe than what they're told.
(4) Have you read up on child development? Are your expectations of what a child should be able to accomplish as he or she reaches various chronological milestones realistic? Ditto for your partner, whether or not he or she is the child's biological parent.
(5) Are you prepared to put someone else's needs before your own for the next 18 to 21 years? Remember, babies can't be returned to the manufacturer for a refund if you're not 100 percent satisfied. Sometimes they come with serious challenges. Can you cope with those realities?
If the answer to any of these questions is no, I strongly advise postponing parenthood.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Husband's Limping Libido Sends Couple to Counselor
DEAR ABBY: I want "Short on Intimacy," the wife in her 20s with no sex life (10/26), to know that she is not the only wife out there who has this problem. I wish you could have heard some of the wild excuses my husband made about why he couldn't have sex. We have been in counseling for months because of this.
I think it is so hard for us women because other men are always talking about wanting sex, and our husbands may even be acting like they want it. And then, when we get home, sex is the furthest thing from their minds.
Through counseling, I have realized that "why" may never be answered. The bottom-line question is, Can I live the rest of my life this way or not? -- NO ANSWERS IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR NO ANSWERS: Only you can answer that. You were generous to share your own experience on this personal and sensitive subject -- and so were countless others who aired their views. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In response to the young woman who doesn't understand why her husband isn't interested in sex, I applaud your reply. However, in addition to seeing a therapist, I think that man should consult his family doctor.
My husband suffers from clinical depression as well as adult-diagnosed ADD. I struggled for years with the same questions she asked, until he started being treated for his disorders. Things are improving. -- STILL WORKING ON IT, WINCHESTER, IND.
DEAR ABBY: The first 10 years of my marriage, my husband had a low sex drive and intermittent impotency. During a blood screening it was discovered that his testosterone level was about 20 percent of where it should be for an adult male. The medication he now takes may have saved our marriage, and it definitely saved our sex life. This was something neither of us had heard of before. -- HAPPIER NOW IN ARIZONA
DEAR ABBY: I could have written that letter. I would put on lingerie and try to seduce my husband. Still nothing. Of course, I became horribly insecure and thought something was wrong with me. When we went for counseling, my husband finally admitted he didn't need me for sex because he had been "satisfying" himself. It stemmed from huge issues he has with intimacy.
Your advice was right on. Counseling is needed so she won't blame herself for his problem. -- BEEN THROUGH IT IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ABBY: I have been married 12 years. We have two wonderful children. My husband was a virgin when we married, which I attributed to his shyness and uptight upbringing. I was optimistic, though, and thought in time he'd learn to appreciate sex and get into it, but he never did.
Three weeks ago, he finally confessed that he is gay and always has been, but kept it locked inside. Although I feel compassion for my husband, I also feel betrayed -- but at least I know now it wasn't my fault.
My advice to "Short on Intimacy": My heart goes out to you, but the sooner you find out the reason for his behavior, the better. Do not waste your best years waiting for something that might never happen. -- BEEN THERE IN NEW ROCHELLE, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old male and not very sexually driven. I don't believe sex is how a man shows love to his mate, and have a hard time keeping up with my fiancee's sex drive. In past relationships I ended up resenting my partner for making me feel that just being "close to each other" wasn't enough, and wondering if I was wanted only for sex.
Perhaps that woman's husband prefers to show his love for her in a less physical way. -- THE OTHER SIDE IN UTAH
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)