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Playing the Baby Name Game Is Every Mother's Prerogative
DEAR ABBY: I read the letter on Nov. 22 from the mother who was concerned about how her stepdaughter is going to spell her daughter's name, which will be Jasiela (pronounced Gisella). And you, of all people, agreed that she should speak with the mother about spelling?
Abby, that is the joy in naming your child! You get to choose the name and how to spell it. The unusual spelling of a child's name is what makes the child unique. For that mother to take that away from the mother-to-be, well, it's none of her business! The child will learn to spell her name, as she will other difficult words in life. I feel the mother is entitled to name her child whatever she'd like, as long as the husband agrees. -- SHAWN IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR SHAWN: One of the most interesting things about writing my column is not knowing how the public will react. When I answered that letter, I had no idea that some readers would react like angry hornets. I was trying to be logical, but there are strong feelings on both sides of the subject. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a soon-to-be new mom, I take exception to the arrogance people show regarding naming children. Because it is not a name that everyone is familiar with does not mean that it's not a good one. And spelling is in the eye of the beholder! I am appalled that people would couch their displeasure for a name under the guise of "for the sake of the child." I would encourage that writer to MYOB. I know if I were the stepdaughter and she said something to me, I would not be happy about it at all. -- FUTURE MOTHER TO IAN OR MIKAYLA IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR ABBY: I was given an unusual name. I have had to instruct everyone from teachers, students and co-workers as to how it is pronounced and the correct spelling. Does this mean my parents didn't know the "correct" spelling of my name? I wholeheartedly say NO!
I have also chosen to give my children unusually spelled names, names that were chosen with careful thought and consideration as to spelling and pronunciation. A name is something to cherish and live up to. My children have been and will continue to be taught this throughout their lives.
If the grandmother-to-be is concerned about the name, she should start thinking of a good nickname to give the child. -- KLISTA IN IDAHO
DEAR ABBY: I did a Google search on the baby name databases. One of the better ones I queried was Parenthood.com. It shows the male name "Jasiel" and identifies it as a biblical name meaning "the strength of God." Obviously, then, "Jasiela" is the feminine form of the name.
Your advice seemed off-putting. "Hesitant" is well-meaning, but she should mind her own business. And for you to assume that Mum didn't know the correct spelling -- well! That was a presumptuous remark and certainly not in your normally empathetic style. I think this is one of the rare times that you blew it, Abby! -- LEANNE R. IN CANADA
DEAR ABBY: My siblings and I grew up with unusual names for the United States -- Deirdre (dear-dra), Aisling (ash-ling), St. John (sin-gin) and, easiest of all, Becket, pronounced as spelled. True, it wasn't always easy, but our teachers learned something new, and today, as adults, we love our names and are happy our parents ignored convention. -- DEIRDRE IN EKER, SWEDEN
DEAR READERS: Tomorrow, I'll share some of the letters from folks who agreed with my answer. Stay tuned ...
Abusive Husband's Remarriage Brings His Ex Wife to Tears
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I divorced my abusive husband of 23 years. However, when he remarried I fell apart. Friends we have in common tell me they are happy, and his new wife is "good for him."
Thoughts of why he could change for someone else, but not for his own family (we had two sons) eat me up. It has been a year since his wedding, and I am still hurting as if I want him back. Please help me. -- CRYING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CRYING: Dry your tears and straighten up. Your husband and his new wife are still newlyweds. Leopards don't change their spots. His abuse of her may not have begun yet, because most abusers take some time to chisel away at their victim's self-esteem before the actual abuse starts happening. Also, these "common friends" may not be privy to what goes on behind closed doors. Most abused women blame themselves for it, and are so ashamed they keep it a secret.
Because you are still hurting and comparing yourself unfavorably to the "new" missus, it's time to talk to your doctor about a referral to a licensed psychotherapist who can talk this out with you. It will be money well spent. Consider it a shortcut to feeling better about yourself and the wise decision you made to get away from your abuser.
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Lindy," has lived with my fiance, "Reid," and me since the death of our mother two years ago. Dad died when I was 12, so there was no other option for my sister.
Everything was going fine until a month ago, when Lindy told me she was pregnant. I was upset because she is only 17. Lindy insisted that things were going to be "fine" because the baby's father was older and well-off.
One night last week, Lindy and Reid (who is 28) sat me down to have a talk about her pregnancy -- and told me that Reid is the father of the baby! I am devastated at their betrayal. I can't believe that Reid, the love of my life, and my little sister, whom I'd considered my best friend, would sleep together. I have let them both live with me and carried them financially for the last two years.
I am beside myself and don't know what to do. I want to kick them out, but I'm afraid for the baby, and I can't just turn my sister out into the streets. I love my fiance and can't bear to let him go, but his actions have proven that he doesn't love me like I love him.
You're the only person I can talk to about this. Please help me, Abby. -- BETRAYED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR BETRAYED: Call off the engagement and get your two-timing deadbeat "fiance" out of there immediately. You have been his meal ticket for far too long. What your sister did might be chalked up to immaturity, but Reid is an adult. Do not let it escape you that he has used you both.
If you can handle it, let Lindy stay until she's 18 and has her high school diploma. That way, she can provide for herself and the baby if she decides to keep it. The baby is not your responsibility; it is Lindy's and Reid's. If you remember that, you'll shield yourself from pain and aggravation in the future.
DEAR ABBY: Could you settle an argument between me and my husband? We've been married only four months.
I get out of the shower and dry off, or walk into the bedroom to dry off. He says I should dry off in the shower. Who is correct? -- ANN FROM FLORIDA
DEAR ANN: You should dry off wherever you are more comfortable drying off, and if your controlling new husband doesn't like it, then HE should dry you off in the shower.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Unrequited Childhood Love Morphs Into Teen Depression
DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old who lives in northern Portugal, and while it's true that the vast majority of teens suffer from depression, mine is different.
Before I went to grade school, I was a happy kid, extroverted and showing some talent for the violin. When I was 6, however, I met a girl who I thought was so beautiful that I couldn't look at her.
As much as adults might insist that love in a 6-year-old is impossible, that is the only thing it could have been. The idea that she didn't love me back gave me many nights of pain and even a trip to the hospital for an emotional breakdown, from which I suffered very badly.
My parents were more supportive of my intellect than anything else. They didn't really have the time for my emotions. My intense, unrequited love turned me into a bitter person who has not been remotely happy in years. I find it very hard to wake up every day, and my family doesn't know the slightest about my inner self. What can I do to ease my pain? -- BITTER 13-YEAR-OLD IN PORTUGAL
DEAR BITTER: You appear to be highly intelligent and precocious for your age. You write like an adult, so I will answer you on that level.
The first thing you must do is talk honestly with your parents about your feelings of sadness, bitterness and pain. They are some of the classic signs of chronic depression. You may discover that, in light of the fact that you were once hospitalized for a breakdown, your parents will not be surprised and will be open to what you have to say. Depression can run in families, and you are probably not the only family member who has struggled with it.
While it is possible for a young child to fall in love -- I did it myself as a child, more than once -- you must realize that not all children do. The object of your adoration may not have been as much "rejecting" as unaware of the depth of your feelings and not mature enough to return the emotions.
Your road to happiness lies within yourself, and with your parents' help, I pray you find it. But before you can begin that journey, you must find the courage to reveal your inner self to the people closest to you.
DEAR ABBY: Last night my wife and I went to a movie. A man in our row was talking, so I "shushed" him, but he continued to talk, ruining the movie for us.
What is the best way to handle someone talking during a movie? Thanks! -- JIM IN OVERLAND PARK, KAN.
DEAR JIM: Talking during a movie is one of the rudest things a person can do, on the same level as answering a cell phone rather than turning it off while a film is in progress.
Because your request for silence was ignored, you had several alternatives: Get up and move to a different location, or inform the theater manager about the distraction so he/she could handle it. Your final solution would be to ask for your money back and see the film another time, or watch it on DVD in the comfort and quiet of your own home. That's what many people are deciding to do these days.
DEAR ABBY: What do you think of a man who pulls a chair out from underneath his wife when she goes to sit down? -- SORE BUTT, TEMECULA, CALIF.
DEAR SORE BUTT: Not much. You could have been seriously injured. If your husband thinks it was funny, he appears to be immature and have a warped sense of humor. From now on, seat yourself, because your husband is not to be trusted until he grows up.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)