CONFIDENTIAL TO EDWARD JAY PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Birthday, li'l bro. I hope you're partying hearty!
Daughter Unsure About Contact From Her Long Absent Dad
DEAR ABBY: My parents split when I was 3 and divorced when I was 6. I am now 28. Mama remarried when I was 7 to a man I consider to be my dad. My biological father, "Kevin," lived in the same town we did until I was 11, when we moved. (My stepfather was in the military.)
Communications and visits were rare before we moved and have been nearly nonexistent ever since. Kevin never paid child support and only occasionally remembered birthdays when I was young. He called once a few years ago. The entire conversation was centered around his making excuses about why he was never around and never supported us. In the end, he blamed Mama for it. He never once apologized for being a deadbeat dad or his lack of interest in my life.
Kevin called again a few months ago. I was civil to him although I didn't offer much in the way of conversation. He said he and his wife had prepared their wills and that I was named in his. I simply said "OK" and didn't ask any questions.
Kevin has called a couple of times since, but I have no motivation to return his calls. This week I got a birthday card from him in the mail -- two weeks late, of course. It contained a check for a small amount of money. I honestly did not feel any loss for not having Kevin in my life because I was blessed with a loving, caring male parent. Sharing DNA does not constitute being a father in my book. But I think he at least owes me an apology or some kind of admission of wrongdoing (or lack of doing) if he expects me to be civil and communicate with him.
Should I return the check? Should I cash it, and write a letter thanking him for remembering my birthday, albeit late? Or should I tell him I am not willing to talk to him until he's willing to offer me an apology? -- DAUGHTER WHO DOESN'T NEED TWO DADS
DEAR DAUGHTER: For someone who "honestly did not feel any loss for not having him in (your) life," you appear to be genuinely steamed at your birth father. The time has come to be honest with yourself about your feelings of anger, disappointment and abandonment -- and tell him honestly how you feel. Then hear him out.
You may learn that your mother made it difficult for your father to see you -- and the move reinforced it. He may also have had financial problems that made monetary support difficult. Only he can give you the details that, in my opinion, you sorely need to hear. It is clear your father is now trying to make amends, even if it's not in the form of an apology.
DEAR ABBY: Am I a "sicko" because I step out of the shower naked in front of our dog? My wife thinks so. The trouble started when we got a female dog, "Taffy," from the local animal shelter. Taffy sleeps in our bedroom and is there in the morning when I take my shower.
My wife insists that I cover up in front of the dog and that Taffy is no different from a child. This has created a lot of stress between us because, to me, a dog is a dog. Is it wrong to be naked in front of a dog? -- IN THE DOGHOUSE, TEMECULA, CALIF.
DEAR IN THE DOGHOUSE: Even though many people treat their dogs like children, the fact remains that dogs are canines -- not homo sapiens. Your wife appears to be either jealous or have an overactive imagination. It is no more wrong for a human to be naked in the presence of a dog than it is for a dog to be naked in the presence of a human.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Parents Who Try to Be Friends With Kids Often Lose Control
DEAR ABBY: Here I go, sounding like an old fogy, but "Feeling Lost and Guilty" (11/5), who said she and her loudmouthed, snotty son are "best friends," has brought her problem on herself. The No. 1 problem of parents today is that they try to be friends with their children rather than parents. Back when I was his age, parents were parents to their children -- not friends. There is a difference!
She asked how to undo what she has done. She now knows there is a difference between being a parent and being a friend, something she should have realized 14 years ago.
I see that all too often in parents today, including my own daughter, whose teenage daughters walk all over her because "it's easier and less stressful" to allow it than provide guidance. In cases like this, the cart is down the path and the horse is still in the barn. -- DISAPPOINTED GRANDFATHER, EASTON, PA.
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: You are correct in saying that some parents shirk their responsibility by refusing to be firm with their children as well as responsible role models. However, before painting all parents of children with social problems with the same broad brush, please read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for advising the mother of "Todd," the teen who doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut, to seek an evaluation. If the boy has a problem with empathy, it could be that he has Asperger's syndrome, an increasingly more common form of mild autism. This is a social disability, often more noticeable in the teenage years, when social expectations are more sophisticated. I should know -- I am a school psychologist and also the mother of a 13-year-old with Asperger's. -- MOM IN BERKELEY, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: It's time that mother, whose son hasn't learned that "discretion is the better part of valor," teach her son "active listening" skills. These include reading body language and nonverbal cues, withholding opinions until all facts are in, and learning to discern when someone actually wants to hear our opinion vs. just wanting to vent. (I have had some really bad employers who could have benefited from that last one.)
I learned active listening skills more than 30 years ago as a peer counselor in junior high school, and while I was able to adapt some of the skills immediately, others have taken literally decades to sink in. However, this is why we plant seeds. Some bloom right away, while others take time to germinate. -- HAPPY ACTIVE LISTENER
DEAR ABBY: My son has Asperger's, and one of the traits of this condition is the person is very literal in his or her speech and usually says whatever comes to mind. These young people do not understand the social taboo of being brutally honest. (I am not saying that her child has Asperger's syndrome.) We have to try to teach our kids to not say everything that comes to mind in public as well.
One method that I have found helpful is social role playing. That mother can make up situations and role-play how her son might respond so that the other person's feelings are not hurt. We have to practice with our kids. This is not a "common sense" that is learned just by mimicking what others do.
These children often do not understand the "little white lies" that we tell in polite society. On the other hand, if you want an honest answer as to whether you look fat, just ask an Aspie! -- PROUD MOTHER OF AN ASPIE IN MONTANA
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Therapist Should Follow Her Own Training and Seek Help
DEAR ABBY: Do you ever feel sometimes that your life is going backward instead of forward? In my early 20s, I had a life. I was engaged, going to college, hanging with my friends, loved my family, had standards for myself and goals in my life.
As I have gotten older, I feel like all I have is a graduate degree, a good job, my health, a truck that's paid for, and wonderful, generous parents for letting me once again live with them. (Another relationship gone bad.)
Somewhere along the way, I kept losing the things that mattered to me, that kept me together, that made me who I was. And now, here I am at 28, and if I died tomorrow the only people at my funeral would be my family and some co-workers.
I am lost and I can't seem to find my way back. I don't even recognize the girl in the mirror anymore. And the saddest thing is I am a licensed therapist, trying to help other people put their lives back together while I'm still searching for mine. Ironically, I'm amazed at what I do and have a deep-seated passion for it.
Abby, how do you get a life when you've lost the one you thought you were living in? -- AT SEA IN WISCONSIN
DEAR AT SEA: All of us have down days when we feel like we are going backward instead of forward. How can we appreciate a bowl of cherries if we don't encounter a few pits from time to time? Or a worm?
Being a licensed therapist (or an advice columnist, for that matter) is no guarantee that life isn't going to have its ups and downs. As human beings, we are as vulnerable to depression as the next person -- and people in the helping professions are not except.
If you want to figure out where you lost your way and how to get back on track, then your best bet is to find a colleague you can talk to. (Many therapists do this.) Accept that you need a dose of therapy and embrace it. You're in the perfect position to get the help you need, so stop procrastinating.
DEAR ABBY: I am wondering what the rule of thumb is as far as giving your roommates notice that you're moving out. I know it is usually a 30-day notice, but I never signed a lease. All I do is rent a room from a couple of my friends who own the house.
Would it be all right if I gave them a week's notice and offered to pay to the following month's end? -- CLUELESS IN ILLINOIS
DEAR CLUELESS: That seems fair to me. It would be the equivalent of a month's notice and would not cause your friends any inconvenience. However, be sure to give your notice in writing. It will eliminate any misunderstandings.
DEAR ABBY: Is it true what people say while drunk, or not? Does alcohol cause one's true feelings to come out? -- LINDA IN CRESTVIEW, FLA.
DEAR LINDA: Drinking lowers a person's inhibitions. When that happens, things he or she would not say under normal (sober) circumstances can come out. Are they a reflection of the person's true feelings? Yes, often they are -- but not always. Drinking can also distort one's sense of reality, causing the drinker to become defensive -- or offensive -- and react to a threat, insult or "invitation" that exists only in his or her addled imagination.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)