To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Therapist Should Follow Her Own Training and Seek Help
DEAR ABBY: Do you ever feel sometimes that your life is going backward instead of forward? In my early 20s, I had a life. I was engaged, going to college, hanging with my friends, loved my family, had standards for myself and goals in my life.
As I have gotten older, I feel like all I have is a graduate degree, a good job, my health, a truck that's paid for, and wonderful, generous parents for letting me once again live with them. (Another relationship gone bad.)
Somewhere along the way, I kept losing the things that mattered to me, that kept me together, that made me who I was. And now, here I am at 28, and if I died tomorrow the only people at my funeral would be my family and some co-workers.
I am lost and I can't seem to find my way back. I don't even recognize the girl in the mirror anymore. And the saddest thing is I am a licensed therapist, trying to help other people put their lives back together while I'm still searching for mine. Ironically, I'm amazed at what I do and have a deep-seated passion for it.
Abby, how do you get a life when you've lost the one you thought you were living in? -- AT SEA IN WISCONSIN
DEAR AT SEA: All of us have down days when we feel like we are going backward instead of forward. How can we appreciate a bowl of cherries if we don't encounter a few pits from time to time? Or a worm?
Being a licensed therapist (or an advice columnist, for that matter) is no guarantee that life isn't going to have its ups and downs. As human beings, we are as vulnerable to depression as the next person -- and people in the helping professions are not except.
If you want to figure out where you lost your way and how to get back on track, then your best bet is to find a colleague you can talk to. (Many therapists do this.) Accept that you need a dose of therapy and embrace it. You're in the perfect position to get the help you need, so stop procrastinating.
DEAR ABBY: I am wondering what the rule of thumb is as far as giving your roommates notice that you're moving out. I know it is usually a 30-day notice, but I never signed a lease. All I do is rent a room from a couple of my friends who own the house.
Would it be all right if I gave them a week's notice and offered to pay to the following month's end? -- CLUELESS IN ILLINOIS
DEAR CLUELESS: That seems fair to me. It would be the equivalent of a month's notice and would not cause your friends any inconvenience. However, be sure to give your notice in writing. It will eliminate any misunderstandings.
DEAR ABBY: Is it true what people say while drunk, or not? Does alcohol cause one's true feelings to come out? -- LINDA IN CRESTVIEW, FLA.
DEAR LINDA: Drinking lowers a person's inhibitions. When that happens, things he or she would not say under normal (sober) circumstances can come out. Are they a reflection of the person's true feelings? Yes, often they are -- but not always. Drinking can also distort one's sense of reality, causing the drinker to become defensive -- or offensive -- and react to a threat, insult or "invitation" that exists only in his or her addled imagination.
Advice to Baby Sitter Doesn't Sit Well With Some Readers
DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Concerned Mom in New Jersey" (11/4), who feels her daughter, "Dayna," should be paid more for baby-sitting because the other girl in the neighborhood receives a higher rate. I think your advice was a little off-base.
I have baby-sat since I was 13. At 14, I started my own baby-sitting business. By the time I was 17, I was baby-sitting for more than 20 families. I was the primary baby sitter for more than five families and earning considerably more than my friends because I worked harder.
I am now 25 and still work as a care provider/baby sitter. I do the cooking, cleaning and laundry while playing with and attending to the children and their miscellaneous needs. Also, when driving is required, I have a reliable vehicle and a clean driving record. Parents take all this into consideration when hiring and deciding on reasonable rates.
I am sure that if Dayna did half the work the other sitter attends to, then perhaps she'd be making more money. But it also comes down to one thing: The other girl is the primary baby sitter and she SHOULD be making more money. She is paid that wage to ensure that she will make herself available to baby-sit. Only when she cannot would they rely on the other girl in the neighborhood. -- MS. RELIABLE IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.
DEAR MS. RELIABLE: You are right. When I answered that letter, I assumed that both baby sitters were providing equal -- or at least similar -- services. Since that letter appeared, I have received an education from parents of small children. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Has it occurred to you that the girl who is being paid more might be a "value-added" sitter? Does Dayna do the dishes while she baby-sits, or does she leave dishes in the sink for the parents to come home to? Does she read to the kids, or even interact with them at all -- or does she take her job description literally and just sit? Perhaps she's paid less because the kids groan when told she's their sitter because she ignores them and watches TV.
I'd suggest Dayna ask her friend to describe what she does when she baby-sits and try to match -- or exceed -- these efforts the next time she's asked to take care of the kids. I'll bet that would add to her value, and she'll be able to name her price the next time she's hired to baby-sit. -- JOHN IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR ABBY: In your reply to "Concerned Mom," you pointed out that baby-sitting is a business. True!
As a business person, the first thing I'd want to know is why this customer thinks another supplier of the same service is worth more than I am. There must be some difference.
Before demanding a rate increase, I would ask my customer, "You have hired me several times; how can I improve my baby-sitting service to you?"
The insight that girl gets could be far more valuable than a few more dollars per hour. And of course, if she improves in her customer's eyes, getting more money will be easy. -- ALAN (A CONSULTANT) IN DAYTONA BEACH, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: Dayna could benefit from taking a "Safe Sitter" course. My daughter took one at age 11, and I cannot praise it enough. She learned signs of illness, rescue breathing and more. She also learned how to manage her "sitting business," set fees up front and collect them. What she learned was invaluable. -- JACQUELINE IN NEW YORK
DEAR JACQUELINE: Thank you for the tip. Readers, you can learn more about Safe Sitter at 1-800-255-4089 or � HYPERLINK "http://www.safesitter.org" ��www.safesitter.org�.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Husband Hurt by Radio D.J. Should Just Tune Him Out
DEAR ABBY: I never thought I would write to you, but several months ago my wife learned that a DJ at the local radio station was an old high school acquaintance. After swapping several e-mails, the man tried to seduce my wife. He didn't do it in a way that could get him into trouble, but his intentions were very clear.
My wife called him and blasted him, telling him she has been happily married for 16 years.
This DJ works for my wife's favorite radio station, and every time she listens to this station a little bit of my heart breaks because she knows how I feel about this incident. Should I ask her to stop listening to this station -- thereby punishing my wife, who is entirely innocent in this matter -- or keep my mouth shut and hope the hurting will someday stop? Any advice you can offer will be appreciated, as I have been troubled by this for some time. -- ACHY-BREAKY HEART IN MAINE
DEAR ACHY-BREAKY: I'm sorry you were hurt by the lechery of that presumptuous DJ, but please understand that this had nothing to do with you. Your wife discouraged his advances. The fact that she likes the programming on that particular station doesn't mean she's attracted to the disc jockey. At this point, you're making a mountain out of a molehill. You won. He's the loser. Forget about it.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been through a lot this past year. We found out my stepson, "Tim," was molesting young children. Three of his victims are close family members. Our entire family has been through some traumatic times trying to deal with this. Tim is currently in a foster home for young adults. He wants to come home and for everyone to forgive him.
As you might expect, my husband is taking this extremely hard. He also wants his son home. I gave him an ultimatum. If Tim comes home, I will leave him. Was that wrong? That boy literally destroyed my family.
I do want Tim to get help, but he has been cheating the system and not taking the treatment in his hurry to get back here. Also, he has lied about other victims. Is there hope? - - NEEDING ANSWERS IN UTAH
DEAR NEEDING ANSWERS: My heart goes out to your husband. It is understandable that he would want his son to come home. However, you were right to give him the ultimatum -- especially if you have children in the household -- and if necessary you should follow through. Your stepson is a predator, and no young child is safe around him. He needs supervision and therapy. The fact that he has not been honest with the people who are trying to help him indicates that he needs to be exactly where he is.
DEAR ABBY: When I learned that my 16-year-old son and his friends were high on marijuana at school, I reported them all to the administration. As a result, they were suspended from school for eight days. His friends' parents are furious with me, and now I am beginning to question whether I did the right thing.
My friends tell me I was right to do what I did. My son said I should have left his friends out of it. Apparently their smoking has been ongoing, and I do not believe it would have stopped unless they faced disciplinary action. By the way, I am a middle school teacher. What do you think? -- SECOND-GUESSING MYSELF IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR SECOND-GUESSING: While I don't approve of minors getting high on anything, your solution was needlessly Draconian. Your son's friends' parents are angry because you did not consult them before reporting their children and allow them the option of handling the matter themselves. Frankly, I see their point. I think you jumped the gun, and you owe them an apology.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)