Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Weight Loss Surgery Results in Loss of Woman's Friendship
DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of a 10-year-old who also cares for my elderly mother at my home. I have had a lot of stress in my life and have gained a lot of weight.
After much investigation, I decided to have weight-loss surgery to better my health and energy. I ended up financing the surgery with a no-interest loan for five years. I do not regret my decision; it has helped with my self-esteem and outlook on life.
My problem is a friend of mine now shuns me. I suspect it is because she did not agree with my decision to pay for this surgery. She is being married this year, and I would never give her advice on how to spend her money on her wedding or otherwise. Why would this person not be happy for me and support my decision that did not involve her? -- HURT IN OHIO
DEAR HURT: If your theory is correct, it appears your "friend" was extremely controlling and is punishing you because you went against her wishes. Or she may have been somehow so invested in your remaining fat that your "escape" from that role is a threat to her, which would mean that she is competitive or jealous. Neither is a particularly attractive trait, and you are probably better off without this woman in your life. From my perspective, consider it another "health benefit" of your surgery.
DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, I gave a bridal shower for our eldest granddaughter, "Liz," one month before her wedding. Two weeks later they canceled the wedding. Liz did not return the gifts, nor did she write thank-yous for them. I was embarrassed by her lack of courtesy and appreciation to those who participated, as well as to me. Liz is a college graduate. Her mother, our daughter, knows better -- but apparently was not able to influence her daughter's behavior.
Soon afterward, the local daily paper had a series of articles on the frequency of wedding cancellations. It specifically said that unused gifts were to be returned, and that thank-yous were to be sent.
Abby, if another wedding is planned, Liz may expect me to host another bridal shower and include these same relatives. I plan to tell her that I hope to give one shower to each of our eight grandchildren, if I can. Am I being unreasonable? -- DISTRESSED GRANDMA
DEAR GRANDMA: Your granddaughter may suffer from "great expectations," but that doesn't mean you have to comply. A bridal shower is a gift, and you are under no obligation to host another one. It's not "unreasonable" to draw the line, and that's what you should do. However, it's possible that you won't be asked because it might have such strong associations for your granddaughter with the wedding that fell through. (Cross your fingers!)
DEAR ABBY: Please settle a disagreement between my husband and me. When we get in line at the checkout stand at the grocery store, he says if the bar is not behind the groceries of the person in front of you, that we need to wait until they're done before putting our groceries on the counter. (Sometimes I can't reach the bar.)
I say it's rude for the shopper in front not to put up the bar if it's out of my reach, and I put the groceries on the counter, leaving an obvious space. Who's right? -- KATHY IN ORLANDO, FLA.
DEAR KATHY: You are. Now stop arguing.
Being Sad and Being Stoned Are Wrong Mix for Funeral
DEAR ABBY: A schoolmate of mine died recently. To pay respects to his family, I attended the funeral.
A large group of his friends passed me, and they reeked of marijuana. I could literally smell them from across the room. I know that they had just lost a dear friend, but I was so offended I had to leave. No one else seemed to mind but me.
Now I feel bad because I left behind my personal friends who were mourning. Is it more disrespectful to go to a funeral smelling like drugs, or to leave before the eulogy? -- GRIEVING IN MINNESOTA
DEAR GRIEVING: Going somewhere "reeking of marijuana" would qualify as extremely poor judgment. Attending an emotional event such as a funeral when stoned (or drunk) is also a mistake, because substance abuse can alter a person's perception of what is going on and lead that person to behave inappropriately. (An example that comes to mind would be a laughing jag -- during a eulogy.)
As to leaving a funeral before the eulogy, the polite way to handle it would have been to explain quietly to one or more of your sober friends why you had to go and make your exit discreetly, so as few people as possible noticed you leaving.
DEAR ABBY: As a security officer at a crowded shopping mall, I am hoping you will spread the word about a serious concern that only becomes worse during the holidays: lost children.
This is one of the happiest times of the year, but it's also one of the busiest and most stressful. Parents, please make sure to designate a central location in case your party gets separated. Also, please understand that it is imperative that a child know his or her parents' first and last names. This helps security officers page and locate you in case of emergency. Also, make sure you know pertinent information like your child's height, weight, the clothes they are wearing and the last place he or she was seen.
Remember, seconds count! Most times, a lost child is simply confused and scared, but in case of a true emergency, the more information a parent or guardian can provide, the better the chances are of a quick and happy reunion.
Also, remember these policies apply to seniors who may have cognitive problems. Thanks for your help, Abby. -- MALL COP ON A MISSION
DEAR MALL COP: I'm glad to help. I hope parents of small children will take your reminder to heart and review the information with their little ones. Sometimes knowing you are "Mommy" and "Daddy" isn't quite enough.
P.S. Readers, you can find more tips for handling these situations by logging onto � HYPERLINK "http://www.missingkids.com" ��www.missingkids.com�. It's the Web site for the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.
DEAR ABBY: There is an annoying woman in my office who insists on telling people to "smile." It's ridiculous -- as if she expects people to go around with permanent grins on their faces for no reason. What is a good response to people who order you to "Smile!" out of the blue? -- NOT FROWNING IN ONTARIO
DEAR NOT FROWNING: I agree, it is obnoxious to be ordered to smile on cue. The next time it happens, look the offender in the eye and say, "I AM smiling. If you want to see a smile, look in a mirror. Now leave me alone. I have work to do."
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Respect Can Lead to Love in Families Trying to Blend
DEAR ABBY: As a licensed marriage and family therapist, a licensed professional counselor and a stepparent, I would like to offer some information to "Ashamed in the South" (10/7) that might help to ease her mind.
She was troubled because she didn't feel love toward her stepchildren. There seems to be an unspoken expectation that stepparents should love their stepchildren. If stepparents do love their stepchildren (and vice versa), that is a definite plus, but it is not required. What IS required, in my opinion, is that people in stepfamilies treat each other respectfully. Love often comes in time, but not always.
In addition to your good advice, I would say to "Ashamed in the South": "Behave respectfully and kindly toward your stepchildren. Be open to the possibility of love, but give yourself a break. You are not a bad person because you don't feel love toward them at this time. Love their father and expect less from yourself."
Abby, I can't help but believe that if she can take some of the pressure off herself, she might find that she will begin to feel differently toward her stepchildren. -- FAMILY THERAPIST IN THE SOUTH
DEAR FAMILY THERAPIST: Thank you for a terrific letter, one which I know will ease the minds of many other stepparents who are embarking on the challenging role of blending two already-formed families into one. Not surprisingly, after that letter appeared, I heard from other stepparents wanting to offer support to the writer. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As I prepared to adopt my child a few years ago, social workers warned me that I might not bond with him or her. They said the important thing was that even if I didn't feel love for my child, I should treat that child as if I loved him or her. This helped me have a plan, so my actions would ensure that my child felt loved. I was lucky. I fell in love with my son the moment I first held him. That's not true for everyone -- even with a biological child.
I say kudos to the writer of that letter, who, most importantly, is treating her stepchildren with love. In time she may feel love for them. But even if she doesn't, she shouldn't be so hard on herself. -- ADOPTIVE MOM IN MARYLAND
DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Ashamed in the South" that many stepparents feel bad for not immediately loving their new offspring. A wonderful family psychologist gave me some advice that has helped enormously: "Think of love as an action instead of an emotion." Thereafter, I acted as if I loved my stepchild, and over the years the habit of action grew into emotion. She's long since grown, but we're good friends, and my husband often teases me about the time we spend on the phone. -- NOT-SO-WICKED STEPMOM IN OREGON
DEAR ABBY: Growing up, my mother was always trying to turn me against my stepmother. My stepmother always treated my sister and me as if we were her own children. She became my best friend, and still is 30 years after walking into our lives. My relationship is better with my stepmother than it is with my birth mother, and the same is true for my sister. Our stepmother has always been there for us to talk to.
Please tell "Ashamed" that she could end up making a profound difference in these children's lives in the end. It was true for us. -- GRATEFUL STEPDAUGHTER IN FLORIDA
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)