For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Other Man's Overture Puts Couple's Romance in Doubt
DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old man, deeply and madly in love with a 36-year-old woman who has two kids. I'll call her Whitney. We would both like our relationship to lead to marriage and more kids, but something -- or rather someone -- has put a damper on things. Whitney has been talking to this other man (who she thinks is gay) for quite some time. A few weeks ago, he finally asked her out. She declined, but did not tell him she's involved with anyone else.
When we discussed it, and when I told Whitney he has crossed the line by asking her out, she argued that she is not attracted to him and he's gay, and then she accused me of not trusting her.
I am not a controlling person. I never minded her talking to him before he asked her out. But the fact that he did, and they talk to each other daily and she does nothing to avoid talking to him, makes me uncomfortable. It has shaken my trust in her. This has seriously affected our relationship, although she doesn't realize it.
I don't want to see Whitney get hurt by some guy who may be looking for just one thing. Does this look innocent to you? Can a gay man be attracted to a woman? And more important, can a woman be attracted to a gay man? - - CONFUSED IN LANCASTER, PA.
DEAR CONFUSED: Let me answer your questions in reverse order. Can a woman be attracted to a gay man? Absolutely! I can think of quite a few "out" gay men whom women find attractive. Among them are Rupert Everett, George Michael, Lance Bass, Richard Chamberlain and Neil Patrick Harris.
And gay men can be attracted to -- and have a lot in common with -- women. I know that firsthand. But the attraction has everything to do with common interests, a similar sense of humor and a mutual understanding. It is not sexual. As a good (gay) friend once told me, "Never try to change a queen. It won't work."
Although you say you are not a controlling person, you appear to be insecure in your relationship with Whitney. For heaven's sake, your lady friend has not tried to hide anything from you. She has told you she talks to this man, and how often, and what she has and has not told him. Even if she had a ring on her finger, she has a right to spend time with whomever she wishes.
So calm down and let this play out. The "one thing" he may be looking for may be friendship, and it's something that eventually you could offer him, too.
DEAR ABBY: My teenage daughters went to a birthday party for a friend. It was a slumber party, and on the spur of the moment, one of the girls suggested they play "strip poker." Abby, the host girl's mother not only allowed it, but actually joined the game! The mother is a single parent, and only females were present in the home.
The girls found the game great fun and plan on doing it in the future at slumber parties. I told them that I do not feel this was appropriate, but they reminded me that I have always told them there was no reason to be shy about their bodies with other girls, so I was stumped to explain why I disapprove. I am still not comfortable with the idea of such an activity. Please tell me what you think. -- APPALLED IN CARMICHAEL, CALIF.
DEAR APPALLED: I see no harm in a group of young women playing strip poker at an all-girl slumber party. However, for the host girl's mother to abdicate her role as a parent in an attempt to act like their contemporary was, in my opinion, a lapse of judgment. Tempting as it may have been for this single mother to try to be "one of the girls," she should have refrained because she's not one of the peers.
Husband Who Likes to Kiss Is Stuck With Wife Who Doesn't
DEAR ABBY: I have an unusual problem that I'm not sure how to handle. As a man in my late 20s, I still consider myself quite young. I dated a bit before getting married and enjoyed kissing. My wife, however, does not seem to enjoy it -- or perhaps isn't that "skilled," I'm not sure which.
I feel like one of my needs isn't being met. We have been married almost three years. I have tried talking with her about it, but it always seems to come off like I'm comparing her "abilities" to my past girlfriends' -- and that's not what I intend at all. I honestly don't think this is a question of technique, but rather of effort. This hasn't caused any major arguments or anything yet, but it is something I find seriously lacking. Any ideas? -- MISSING THE KISSING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR MISSING THE KISSING: You may "honestly not think it's a question of technique, but rather of effort" -- but I'm not entirely sure I agree. Not all people are equally talented at kissing, so my suggestion to you is to demonstrate the kind of kisses you would like to be able to share with her. And when you do, do not mention your past or any other woman -- just what kind of kisses make you feel the most loved and cherished. If your wife loves you, and your breath isn't a turn-off, I'm sure she'll cooperate.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Trey," and I have been married a year and a half. Most of the time I am very happy. I say that because we do argue sometimes, which is normal.
Trey gets upset with me when I ask questions about the ex-lover he had before me. (I ask him about his intimacy with her and how she was.) I often ask these questions out of the blue. I just want to know because I become jealous.
I never had a man in my life before. My husband was my first man ever, but I don't feel that "special" anymore because his ex was a virgin, too, and gave him her all as I did on our wedding night. I just don't feel like I gave him anything that special when someone before me already did. In other words, I wanted to be the first virgin he ever had. How can I get past this? -- UNSATISFIED IN SPRINGFIELD, VA.
DEAR UNSATISFIED: You gave your husband the one gift that nobody else could ever give him: You gave him yourself on your wedding night. Please be satisfied with that, and stop obsessing.
What you are looking for isn't information about another woman; it's really confirmation about your husband's feelings about you. Because you need reassurance, that is what you should be asking your husband for -- not information about a woman who wasn't able to earn his love regardless of how much she gave him.
DEAR ABBY: Friends of mine received an invitation to a holiday party that I have attended for the last few years, but I did not get an invitation this year. The same thing happened last year. When I mentioned it to the hosts, they said it was an oversight and to attend the party anyway.
My friend who got an invitation said he can't make it, so I should attend in his place. Is this proper protocol? What should I do? -- UNDECIDED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR UNDECIDED: Under no circumstances should you attend the party in your friend's place. You were not invited to the gathering and do not belong there. My advice is to make plans for the evening, go out and enjoy yourself with other friends. (And I sincerely hope you take it!)
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Who's Started New Life Leaves Puzzled Kids Behind
DEAR ABBY: I come from a family of seven kids that has been torn apart ever since the year our mother decided to leave our stepfather of 11 years to be with another woman.
It's not the fact that she chose to be gay; it's the distance that came along with it. She has severed her relationship with all of us kids.
Mom has changed her phone number a few times already. When she has given it out to one of us, it was only after making us promise not to share it with any other sibling or family member. The same with her address. This has caused problems between siblings. Some are hurt because they don't understand why she doesn't talk to them.
I guess some of us borrowed money and didn't pay her back -- and other similar things -- but she doesn't even give us a chance to pay her back.
A few weeks ago, I sent Mom a letter apologizing for everything I have put her through, asking for forgiveness and telling her I'll love her unconditionally. It has been more than two weeks since I mailed it, but still no reply. We live in the same city.
I'd knock on her door, but I'm afraid I'll be rejected. Everyone tells me to give up on her, but she's the only mother I've got, and I don't want to. What can you recommend I do? -- WANTS MY MOM IN SAN JOSE
DEAR WANTS MOM: Risk the rejection. It would not be more painful than what you're experiencing now. Write your mother a check for the money you owe her, buy her flowers and knock on her door.
But before you do, please understand that people do not "choose" to be gay -- and after having seven children and spending all those years with two husbands trying to be straight, at this point she deserves all the love and support she can get.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have a 2-month-old baby. We agreed that I'd stay home for a few months and "take care of the house." Unfortunately, with breastfeeding and the baby's sleep schedule being irregular, I never get enough rest and I constantly feel fatigued.
I know this is a common occurrence with new moms, but my boyfriend feels he should come home every day to a clean house, with dinner on the table and me ready for sex. I want to do all of these things, but the household chores are harder than I thought, and the sex -- I really have little desire for it yet.
When I try talking to him about it and explaining how I feel, he dismisses me and says that I'm the only woman in the world who can't do the "simple task" of keeping house, etc.
He insults me, calls me lazy and makes me feel awful. If I cry, he tells me to "stop feeling sorry for myself" and acting like a little girl. It's starting to make me not even want to try anymore. But I know that will only make it worse. What can I do? -- HURT IN MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIF.
DEAR HURT: Your boyfriend is extremely uninformed about the changes that take place in a woman's body -- not to mention a couple's lives -- when a baby enters the picture. A talk with your pediatrician might sensitize him, but if it doesn't, then it's time for you to look into finding day-care for your baby and a job for yourself, because, as it stands, your child could reach adulthood before your boyfriend does. His expectations are unrealistic, and his attitude of entitlement should give you serious second thoughts about ever marrying him.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)