To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Being Sad and Being Stoned Are Wrong Mix for Funeral
DEAR ABBY: A schoolmate of mine died recently. To pay respects to his family, I attended the funeral.
A large group of his friends passed me, and they reeked of marijuana. I could literally smell them from across the room. I know that they had just lost a dear friend, but I was so offended I had to leave. No one else seemed to mind but me.
Now I feel bad because I left behind my personal friends who were mourning. Is it more disrespectful to go to a funeral smelling like drugs, or to leave before the eulogy? -- GRIEVING IN MINNESOTA
DEAR GRIEVING: Going somewhere "reeking of marijuana" would qualify as extremely poor judgment. Attending an emotional event such as a funeral when stoned (or drunk) is also a mistake, because substance abuse can alter a person's perception of what is going on and lead that person to behave inappropriately. (An example that comes to mind would be a laughing jag -- during a eulogy.)
As to leaving a funeral before the eulogy, the polite way to handle it would have been to explain quietly to one or more of your sober friends why you had to go and make your exit discreetly, so as few people as possible noticed you leaving.
DEAR ABBY: As a security officer at a crowded shopping mall, I am hoping you will spread the word about a serious concern that only becomes worse during the holidays: lost children.
This is one of the happiest times of the year, but it's also one of the busiest and most stressful. Parents, please make sure to designate a central location in case your party gets separated. Also, please understand that it is imperative that a child know his or her parents' first and last names. This helps security officers page and locate you in case of emergency. Also, make sure you know pertinent information like your child's height, weight, the clothes they are wearing and the last place he or she was seen.
Remember, seconds count! Most times, a lost child is simply confused and scared, but in case of a true emergency, the more information a parent or guardian can provide, the better the chances are of a quick and happy reunion.
Also, remember these policies apply to seniors who may have cognitive problems. Thanks for your help, Abby. -- MALL COP ON A MISSION
DEAR MALL COP: I'm glad to help. I hope parents of small children will take your reminder to heart and review the information with their little ones. Sometimes knowing you are "Mommy" and "Daddy" isn't quite enough.
P.S. Readers, you can find more tips for handling these situations by logging onto � HYPERLINK "http://www.missingkids.com" ��www.missingkids.com�. It's the Web site for the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.
DEAR ABBY: There is an annoying woman in my office who insists on telling people to "smile." It's ridiculous -- as if she expects people to go around with permanent grins on their faces for no reason. What is a good response to people who order you to "Smile!" out of the blue? -- NOT FROWNING IN ONTARIO
DEAR NOT FROWNING: I agree, it is obnoxious to be ordered to smile on cue. The next time it happens, look the offender in the eye and say, "I AM smiling. If you want to see a smile, look in a mirror. Now leave me alone. I have work to do."
Respect Can Lead to Love in Families Trying to Blend
DEAR ABBY: As a licensed marriage and family therapist, a licensed professional counselor and a stepparent, I would like to offer some information to "Ashamed in the South" (10/7) that might help to ease her mind.
She was troubled because she didn't feel love toward her stepchildren. There seems to be an unspoken expectation that stepparents should love their stepchildren. If stepparents do love their stepchildren (and vice versa), that is a definite plus, but it is not required. What IS required, in my opinion, is that people in stepfamilies treat each other respectfully. Love often comes in time, but not always.
In addition to your good advice, I would say to "Ashamed in the South": "Behave respectfully and kindly toward your stepchildren. Be open to the possibility of love, but give yourself a break. You are not a bad person because you don't feel love toward them at this time. Love their father and expect less from yourself."
Abby, I can't help but believe that if she can take some of the pressure off herself, she might find that she will begin to feel differently toward her stepchildren. -- FAMILY THERAPIST IN THE SOUTH
DEAR FAMILY THERAPIST: Thank you for a terrific letter, one which I know will ease the minds of many other stepparents who are embarking on the challenging role of blending two already-formed families into one. Not surprisingly, after that letter appeared, I heard from other stepparents wanting to offer support to the writer. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As I prepared to adopt my child a few years ago, social workers warned me that I might not bond with him or her. They said the important thing was that even if I didn't feel love for my child, I should treat that child as if I loved him or her. This helped me have a plan, so my actions would ensure that my child felt loved. I was lucky. I fell in love with my son the moment I first held him. That's not true for everyone -- even with a biological child.
I say kudos to the writer of that letter, who, most importantly, is treating her stepchildren with love. In time she may feel love for them. But even if she doesn't, she shouldn't be so hard on herself. -- ADOPTIVE MOM IN MARYLAND
DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Ashamed in the South" that many stepparents feel bad for not immediately loving their new offspring. A wonderful family psychologist gave me some advice that has helped enormously: "Think of love as an action instead of an emotion." Thereafter, I acted as if I loved my stepchild, and over the years the habit of action grew into emotion. She's long since grown, but we're good friends, and my husband often teases me about the time we spend on the phone. -- NOT-SO-WICKED STEPMOM IN OREGON
DEAR ABBY: Growing up, my mother was always trying to turn me against my stepmother. My stepmother always treated my sister and me as if we were her own children. She became my best friend, and still is 30 years after walking into our lives. My relationship is better with my stepmother than it is with my birth mother, and the same is true for my sister. Our stepmother has always been there for us to talk to.
Please tell "Ashamed" that she could end up making a profound difference in these children's lives in the end. It was true for us. -- GRATEFUL STEPDAUGHTER IN FLORIDA
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Businesswoman Asks if Deals and Drinking Go Hand in Hand
DEAR ABBY: I am a well-educated, confident, attractive woman in my mid-30s. My job is in business development. My question is, Do I need to be a social drinker in order to be successful? A male friend of mine often harps on how I make the other drinkers uncomfortable, and how people stay out late, drinking and discussing business deals until 3 or 4 in the morning. He says I must learn to have a drink or two -- otherwise I won't be successful in getting any deals.
I never criticize others who drink, and I quietly order fruit juice when others are drinking. No one beside this friend even notices it. But he often says loudly to the server that they should find some juice for me since I don't drink. I have tried to learn to drink, but frankly, I don't enjoy it.
Also, I have seen my friend and some of the other men indulge in somewhat loose behavior as they keep having more drinks. I think I'd be wise to refrain from drinking. My friend says because I am originally from another country, that I am "different." His remarks are wearing me down, as he recently has started accusing me of not being good company.
Please tell me your thoughts on this. He is my best friend, but also has a temper. -- DESPERATELY NEEDING ADVICE IN MANHATTAN
DEAR DESPERATE: For a "best friend," this man is behaving peculiarly. "Best friends" do not announce during a business dinner that a colleague is "different." He appears to be someone who has a drinking problem, and is trying to coerce you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable so your sobriety won't make him feel guilty.
When someone accuses you of not being good company because you don't drink, it means he's looking for a drinking buddy. This man has more problems than you're equipped to deal with, and he won't help you advance your career. My advice is to distance yourself from him.
DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away four months ago. The night she died, a sibling of mine took her purse home and brought it back the next day with the checkbook and credit cards gone. I asked about them and was told they "took care of them."
Last week, I received a copy of mother's credit card statement in the mail. It had more than $2,500 in charges after she passed away. I know who did the charging, but I don't know how to approach that person. It was a sibling of mine. Please advise me, as the estate is now in probate. -- MOTHERLESS IN MISSOURI
DEAR MOTHERLESS: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother, as well as the loss of your illusions about your sibling. I see no reason for you to confront the person who did the stealing, but you should definitely report it to the attorney who is handling your mother's probate.
DEAR ABBY: I am 35 years old and have been divorced for four years. Hypothetically speaking, if I decide to never remarry or if I remarry 20 years from now, what is my marital status between now and that time?
I consider myself single, not divorced. If I'm still single at the age of 55 -- or 80, for that matter -- I'd hate to refer to myself as "divorced," giving people the idea that I was divorced recently. -- IN A QUANDARY
DEAR IN A QUANDARY: You may consider yourself single and not divorced, but if you were married and divorced four years ago, you're divorced. If you're still single at 55 -- or 80, for that matter -- tell the questioner you were "married at one time but it was many years ago." That way you won't have to mention the word "divorce," and the person will get the correct message.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)